Nathan Lane credited as playing...
Albert
- Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
- Armand: I made you short?
- Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
- Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
- Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
- Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
- Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
- Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
- Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
- Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!
- Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
- Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
- Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
- Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
- Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
- Albert: [Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story] ... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!