- Muddy Grimmes: You got any last words before I kill you?
- Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.
- Muddy Grimmes: I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
- Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
- Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
- Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
- Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
- Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
- Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
- Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
- Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
- Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
- Bus Driver: [fed up with being disobeyed] ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS!
- [tackles Beavis to the floor]
- David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
- Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
- David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
- Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
- David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
- Butt-head: What a dork.
- Butt-head's Dad: Hey, one of you bastards got a match?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.
- Muddy Grimmes: I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
- Butt-head: Uh, do her?
- Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
- Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
- Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
- Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
- [Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
- Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand?
- [scoffs]
- Dallas Grimmes: Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
- Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
- [after apprehending Butt-head]
- Agent Fleming: Agent Hurly, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter. Don't stop until you reach the back of his teeth.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?
- Butt-head: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
- Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
- Butt-head: Butt dumpling.
- Beavis: Turd burglar.
- Butt-head: Uhhh... ass goblin.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
- Butt-head: Uh, yep.
- Beavis: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.
- Butt-head: [giggles] Tool.
- Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
- Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?
- Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
- Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
- Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
- Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
- Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
- Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
- Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
- Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
- Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
- Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
- Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.
- [eight M-16 assault rifles are pointed at him]
- Butt-head: This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
- Little Old Lady: [to her husband] I want you to meet two nice boys.
- [She introduces Beavis first]
- Little Old Lady: This is Travis and Bob.
- [to Butt-head]
- Little Old Lady: And, what's your last name, dear?
- Butt-head: Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.
- [in the trunk of Muddy's car, Butt-head finds a tire jack and begins pumping the handle]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off.
- David VanDriessen: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.
- Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
- Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
- David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
- Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
- Concierge: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...
- Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.
- Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...
- Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.
- Beavis: [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.
- [Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]
- Butt-head: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff?
- Butt-head: [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.
- [last lines]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're gonna ever score?
- Butt-head: I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
- Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
- Butt-head: Butt-dumpling.
- Beavis: Turd burglar.
- Butt-head: Uh, ass goblin.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: 'Cause, I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.
- [laughs]
- Beavis: You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Tool.
- [noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window]
- Butt-head: Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis.
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: This sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks.
- Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.
- [after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
- Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
- Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
- Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.
- Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.
- [Getting back on the bus]
- Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
- Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
- Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
- Butt-head's Dad: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you want to see something really cool?
- [farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]
- Beavis: FIRE!
- Ranger at Old Faithful: There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.
- Butt-head: So?
- Ranger at Old Faithful: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.
- Beavis: That's not that much, really.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
- Beavis: [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
- Butt-head: Uh?, Okay.
- Beavis: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video!
- [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body]
- Beavis: Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!
- Tom Anderson: [Anderson drives by] Something wrong, officer?
- ATF Agent: [holds up picture of B&B] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
- Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
- ATF Agent: You saw these two?
- Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
- ATF Agent: [on walkietalkie] This is post 9, I have positive ID.
- Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spidermonkeys, I tell ya.
- ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
- Tom Anderson: Well, now, wait a minute, me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington DC.
- ATF Agent: [points gun at Anderson] Now!
- Tom Anderson: [being led away] Now wait right there! You're dealing with a veteran of two foreign wars! *They're* the ones who've been whacking. I find anything broken, and I'll tangle...
- Agent Fleming: Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart! Full cavity searches all around! Something tells me he could be involved.
- [walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it]
- Beavis: Are you threatening ME?
- Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV, Tom.
- Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.
- Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.