- Maverick: [talking to the village thieves] The man who'll blow your brains out is Marshal Zane Cooper. You've probably heard of him, I know what you're thinking, he's old and decrepit, gums his food AND his women, but he can still shoot straight.
- Maverick: After you is ugly Annie Bransford. When she was born, she came out backwards and no one noticed. Hell, when she was little, her parents had to tie a pork chop around her neck so the dog would play with her. When she's making love, she has to pretend SHE'S someone else!
- Maverick: Lord... whatever I've done to piss you off... if you could just get me out of this and somehow let me know what it was I promise to rectify the situation.
- Maverick: My old pappy always used to say, "there is no more deeply satisfying religious experience... than cheatin' on a cheater."
- Zane Cooper: I never said that once. You've been misquoting me all your life.
- Maverick: What, we're going to quibble over fine points?
- Zane Cooper: You never even get close. Give me some credit.
- Annabelle: How'd you know I was bluffing? I didn't do any of my tells. I didn't shuffle my cards, I didn't pull my hair, I didn't even flick my teeth.
- Maverick: You held your breath. If you'd been excited, you would have started breathing harder.
- Annabelle: I did not.
- [Looks at the Commodore]
- Annabelle: Did I?
- [Commodore nods]
- Annabelle: [Annabelle looks at Angel] Did I?
- [Angel nods]
- Annabelle: [Annabelle looks at the dealer] Did I?
- [the dealer nods]
- Annabelle: Well, I'll just pretend I was playin' with someone else's money.
- Maverick: That shouldn't be too hard.
- [Annabelle gets up. Cooper leans toward her]
- Zane Cooper: [whispering] You did hold your breath, ma'am.
- Annabelle: Well, they're Indians. They probably just stole the ponies!
- Maverick: Not everybody's like you, Mrs. Bransford.
- Annabelle: What is it with you and Indians anyway?
- Maverick: Oh, nothing. I try and shoot one a day, if possible, before noon. How 'bout you, Coop? I figure it's their fault for being on our land before we got here.
- Maverick: [while unbuttoning his shirt] Now, it's time for you to do something that I want
- Annabelle: How dare you. I am a lady. Not if you were a hundred years old, not if I was a hundred years old...
- Maverick: Oh shut up. I don't want to go to bed with you, lady.
- Annabelle: [disappointed] Why not?
- Maverick: Why not? I'd be too frightened. God knows what parts of me you'd steal. I'd wake up with all sorts of things missing.
- Maverick: Well, now, I bring all sorts of plusses to the table. I hardly ever bluff and I never ever cheat.
- The Archduke: What's greatest Western thrill of all?
- Joseph: Kill Indians.
- The Archduke: Kill Indians? Is it legal?
- Joseph: Oh, white man been doing it for years.
- Zane Cooper: Well, Bret, you know what we ended up with? A half a million dollar silk shirt.
- Maverick: Nope, we ended up with a quarter million dollar silk shirt, because my old pappy always used to say "Don't put the chicken in front of"... no, wait "Never cut the cards before"... no, wait, "Don't put all you eggs in one basket".
- Zane Cooper: Now that, I said.
- Zane Cooper: Oh, I suppose somebody ought to say something nice about the deceased.
- Annabelle: How do you know he was nice? We don't know anything about him. The only thing he's got in his wallet is a bunch of names of whorehouses.
- Annabelle: Well look at this. Here's a lot of money and your gun is six feet away.
- Zane Cooper, Maverick: Eight.
- Annabelle: What a remarkable family.
- Maverick: How'd she - how'd she figure that?
- Annabelle: Well, you all don't have the exclusive on tells! You both have the same height, the same build, you both talk the same, you both kiss the same, you both draw your guns the same, and you both sing the same wrong words to 'Amazing Grace'.
- Zane Cooper, Maverick: Do not.
- Stable Boy: [Yelling] Pa, this man wants to know if you want to buy a burro.
- Stable owner: That burro ain't worth a dollar!
- Maverick: Well, sir, I say you got yourself a deal.
- Stable owner: Here's your dollar.
- Maverick: Well, he doesn't eat much, but he's a regular jackass, and hee-haw, hee-haw, he hawlways likes to be called Arthur.
- Maverick: [narrating, when first meeting Angel] From the moment I slapped eyes on this hombre, I smelled trouble. And re-fried beans. Something else was telling me that this was not just a "chance" meeting.
- Commodore: [Looking around the room after a gunfight during the final Poker Game] You're security didnt work a damn coop, everybody's got a gun
- Maverick: I don't know why I kept the rest of the money in the satchel, though.
- Zane Cooper: I do.
- Maverick: So do I. Sure will be a whole lot of fun getting it back.
- Annabelle: My, such splendid similarities. Now from the looks of things, I'll have the lady come in with some more hot water.
- Angel: [after everyone says Maverick paid them to get knocked down] You boys should have seen me first. I'd have let you fall down for free!
- [Picks up pan and starts hitting everyone]
- Zane Cooper: [guns are contraband and Zane catches a couple with a pistol] I'm sorry, ma'am, but these aren't allowed.
- Couple with Concealed Guns: Oh, that's my gun!
- Zane Cooper: Oh, yours? Well, do you swim?
- Couple with Concealed Guns: Swim... uh, no, but she does, and it's her gun!
- Zane Cooper: Oh, hers?
- Couple with Concealed Guns: Just holding it for her!
- Couple with Concealed Guns: I can't believe you!
- Mary Margret: [counting money for Maverick] 2,500 2,600 2,800...
- Annabelle: [interrupts] 2,700.
- Mary Margret: Are you sure?
- Annabelle: Oh, I'm sure
- [an old man walks up to the wagon, and Maverick tries to help him up]
- Driver: No, no. I'm the driver.
- Maverick: Oh. Are you all right?
- Driver: Why does everybody always ask me that?
- Zane Cooper: [about to club the Commodore over the head with a branch] I've never committed a cold blooded murder in my life...
- [stops and drops the branch]
- Zane Cooper: ...and I won't. Not till I find Maverick.
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