Martin Landau credited as playing...
Bela Lugosi
- Bela Lugosi: Home? I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal. The jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!
- Conrad Brooks: Mr. Lugosi? I know you're very busy, but, um... can I have your autograph?
- Bela Lugosi: Certainly.
- Conrad Brooks: You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? The Invisible Ray. You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
- Bela Lugosi: Karloff? Sidekick? FUCK YOU! Karloff does not deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in Hell for all I care!
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: What happened?
- Bela Lugosi: How dare that asshole bring up Karloff? You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It's all makeup and grunting!
- [mocks Frankenstein]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Bela, I agree with you 100%. Now, "Dracula," that's a role that requires talent.
- Bela Lugosi: Of course. Dracula requires presence. It's all in the eyes, and the voice, and the hands...
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: That's right. That's right. You seem a little agitated. You wanna to go outside and get some air?
- Bela Lugosi: Bullshit! I'm ready now! Roll the camera!
- Bela Lugosi: This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in. Your selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: What are you drinking, Bela?
- Bela Lugosi: Formaldehyde
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Straight up or on the rocks?
- [on the phone to Bunny]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites. I need transvestites. All right. Bye.
- Bela Lugosi: Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?
- [on the reason for the success of 'Dracula(1931)']
- Bela Lugosi: They were mythic. They had a poetry to them.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Yes.
- Bela Lugosi: And you know what else? The women... the women preferred the traditional monsters.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: The women? Huh?
- Bela Lugosi: The pure horror, it both repels, and attracts them, because in their collective unconsiousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: You know, I never thought of that.
- Bela Lugosi: Take my word for it. If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see "Dracula".
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
- Bela Lugosi: I have no next picture.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: You gotta be joking, a great star like you? You must have dozens of them lined up!
- Bela Lugosi: Back in the old days, yes... Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: But you're a big star!
- Bela Lugosi: No more. I haven't worked in four years. This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
- [pauses]
- Bela Lugosi: I'm just an ex-boogeyman.
- [Stepping into water]
- Bela Lugosi: GODDAMN, it's cold!
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: It'll warm up once you're in it.
- Bela Lugosi: FUCK YOU! You come out here!
- [Bela Lugosi casts a love spell on Vampira who is on TV while moving his fingers like Dracula]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: My Gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
- Bela Lugosi: You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.
- Bela Lugosi: Thank you.
- [while he and the others flee the chaotic premiere of "Bride of the Monster" in a cab]
- Bela Lugosi: Now that was a premiere.
- Bela Lugosi: They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today it's all giant bugs. Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers... Who would believe such nonsense?
- [Bela Lugosi answers the door on Halloween night wearing his Dracula costume]
- Children: Trick or treat!
- [At the sight of Dracula, all but one little boy scream and run away]
- Bela Lugosi: Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood!
- Trick-or-Treating Kid: You're not a real vampire. Those teeth don't frighten me.
- [Bela looks puzzled. Ed Wood appears next to him in the doorway]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: How 'bout these?
- [Pulls out his entire row of front teeth]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: [Little boy screams and runs away]
- Bela Lugosi: Hey... How d'you do that?
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Dentures!
- [Holds them up]
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Lost my pearlies in the war!
- Bela Lugosi: [pointing to a Tesla Coil on the set of "Bride of the Atom"] I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of them burned me in "The Return of Chandu".
- [Bela, in his Dracula costume, hears the doorbell on Halloween night]
- Bela Lugosi: Children! I love children.