Brian O'Halloran credited as playing...
Dante
- Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
- Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
- [throws stuff at Dante]
- Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
- [sighs]
- Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
- Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
- Dante Hicks: This life.
- Randal Graves: This life?
- Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
- Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
- Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
- Randal Graves: 37.
- Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
- Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
- Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
- Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
- Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
- Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
- Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
- Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
- Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
- Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
- Dante Hicks: How many?
- Veronica Loughran: Dante...
- Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
- Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
- Dante Hicks: How many?
- Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
- Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
- [long pause as customer buys something]
- Dante Hicks: Well?
- Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
- Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
- Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
- Dante Hicks: Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
- Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37.
- Dante Hicks: I'm 37?
- Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
- Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
- Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
- Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.
- Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.
- Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
- Dante Hicks: How did he die?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
- Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!
- Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?
- Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
- Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
- Dante Hicks: [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
- Dante Hicks: [a random customer standing outside Quick Stop starts to follow Veronica after hearing remark] Hey... get back here!
- [after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
- Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
- Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
- Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
- Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
- Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
- Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
- Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
- [notices Dante's confusion]
- Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
- Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
- Dante Hicks: What?
- Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
- Dante Hicks: Exactly.
- Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
- Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
- Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
- Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.
- [takes a drink of water]
- Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-
- [Randal spits water at him]
- Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
- Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
- Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!
- Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
- Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.
- [to Randal]
- Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!
- [Randal salutes him as he leaves]
- Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?
- Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
- Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!
- Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
- Dante Hicks: What?
- Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
- Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
- Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
- Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.
- Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.
- [on his past relationship with Caitlin]
- Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
- Randal Graves: Oh, my God.
- Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
- Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
- Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?
- Randal Graves: Your mother?
- Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
- Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
- Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.
- Randal Graves: That's frightening.
- Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
- Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
- Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
- Dante Hicks: "Empire".
- Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
- Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
- Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.
- Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?
- Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?
- Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.
- Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.
- Dante Hicks: I'm serious.
- Caitlin Bree: Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?
- Dante Hicks: No.
- Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.
- Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
- Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny, Dante!
- Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding!
- [to Randal]
- Dante Hicks: Who went back there?
- Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!
- Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.
- Dante Hicks: Are you sure there was someone back there?
- Caitlin Bree: Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!
- Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?
- Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!
- Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this.
- Dante Hicks: Call the police!
- Caitlin Bree: No, don't!
- Randal Graves: Why?
- Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
- Randal Graves: She said she did all the work.
- Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
- Jay: I dunno dude, that Caitlin chick's nice, but I've seen that Veronica girl doing shit for you all the time. I saw her rubbing your back, fucking comes and brings you food. Didn't I see her change your tire once?
- Dante Hicks: Hey-hey, you know, I jacked up the car, all she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.
- Jay: I dunno, she does a lot for you.
- Dante Hicks: She's my girlfriend.
- Jay: I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me is weed and shit. Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin', a good plate with nothin' on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?'
- Dante Hicks: Meaning?
- Jay: I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on, Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!
- Veronica Loughran: You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
- Dante Hicks: Animal, mineral or vegetable.
- Veronica Loughran: Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.
- Dante Hicks: They put up the least amount of struggle.
- Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.
- Dante Hicks: Which ones?
- Randal Graves: All of them.
- [a series of vignettes]
- Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
- Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?
- [zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]
- Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
- Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.
- Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
- Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
- Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
- [more vignettes]
- Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
- Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?
- [zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]
- Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
- [after a customer got his hand stuck in a can of Pringles]
- Dante Hicks: A little word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.