Quotes

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

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Bernadette: [to Shirley] Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!

Bernadette: [to Felicia] That's just what this country needs: a cock in a frock on a rock.

Bernadette: No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba!
Tick: Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?

Felicia: [singing] A desert holiday, let's pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer, I'm getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!

Felicia: Do you know why this microphone has such a long cord?
Man In Crowd: Why?
Felicia: So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass.

Tick: [to Felicia] Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?

Bernadette: [to Felicia] I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "No more fucking ABBA!"

Benji: [about his Dad] Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?
Felicia: No, no he doesn't.
Benji: Neither does Mum. She used to have a girlfriend, but she got over her.
Benji: [Benji pauses, then turns and looks at Felicia] You want to come play in my room? I've got Lego.

Felicia: [to Tick, when the Spencer's see all three and then take off] Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz. How many times do I have to tell you? Green is not your color!
[laughs hysterically]

Bernadette: Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.
Bob: Bernadette, please.
Frank: *Bernadette?* Well I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town. Well I suppose you wanna fuck too do you? Come on Bernadette, come and fuck me. That's it. Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on. Fuck me.
[Bernadette knees Frank in the groin]
Bernadette: There, now you're fucked!

Bernadette: [to Tick] Don't "Darling", me, Darling. Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse.

Felicia: Oh, for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood.

Bernadette: What a nice dog. What's it's name?
Bob: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal.

Tick: [Tick and Bernadette are discussing what it would be like to have children] What happens if they turn out like Adam?
Bernadette: You stuff 'em back in and ask for a refund.

Bernadette: [to Felicia] It's funny. We all sit around mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a city. But in its own strange way, it takes care of us. I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia's been put there to stop them getting in, or us getting out. Come on. Don't let it drag you down. Let it toughen you up. I can only fight because I've learnt to. Being a man one day and a woman the next isn't an easy thing to do.

Mitzi: [to Felicia] You know, there are two things I don't like about you, Felicia... your face. So how 'bout shutting both of them?

Bernadette: [to Bob] Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species. Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits.

Bernadette: Oh. Uh, gather around girls, uh, let me show you a trick. You, um, drink the Gin...
[guzzles the entire contents]
Bernadette: Aaah! Uh, fill the bottle up with water and then put it back in the fridge.
Mitzi: Va-t'en vous. What about the scotch?
Bernadette: Aha! That's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.

Felicia: [to the video shop worker] Umm... , do you have "The Texas Chainsaw Mascara"?

Bernadette: We've only recently discovered that young Anthony here, bats for both teams.
Mitzi: I do not!
Felicia: Oh, so we're straight?
Mitzi: No.
Felicia: Oh, we're not. So we're a donut puncher, after all?
Mitzi: No.
Felicia: Then what the hell are we?
Mitzi: I don't fuckin' know.

Bernadette: [to Tick about Felicia] One more push, I'm gonna to smack his face so hard he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth!

Felicia: [to Tick] Do you think I'm going to let you walk away with all the attention? No chance, come on girls. Let's go shopping.

Bernadette: [after Felicia tells Bernadette about her ABBA story] What are you telling me? This is an ABBA turd?

Felicia: Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball!
Bernadette: Do you wanna bet?

Felicia: [in sweet voice] Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback will help me get over this little... phase I'm going through. And you never know, I might meet some lovely country girl.
[in tough voice]
Felicia: I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper... Priscilla. Queen of the Desert!
[smashes champagne bottle against bus]
Bernadette: That's gotta be the understatement of the century.

Mitzi: [about Trumpet] , You know, I never heard him play.
Bernadette: Play? He didn't *play*, dear. Trumpet didn't have a single musical bone in his body. No, Trumpet had an unusually large foreskin. So large, in fact, that he could wrap the entire thing around a Monte Carlo biscuit.

Felicia: I mean who is the fish that runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere, anyway? Your mother?
Tick: No, my wife.
Felicia: Ooh, don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend tucked away out here somewhere.
Tick: No, my wife! I'm married.
[the bus brakes screech and glass shatters]
Tick: Oh, fuck!

Aboriginal Man: So... You actually make money by dressing up like a woman?
Tick: Oh, sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.

[to Tick and Bernadette, as he is cooking sausages]
Felicia: How do you like your little boys, girls?

Mitzi: [to Felicia] Bernice has left her cake out in the rain!

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] I met these Swedish tourists called... Lars, Lars and Lars.

Doctor: Mr. Belrose?
Tick: Yes?
Doctor: Congratulations. It's a boy.

Felicia: There goes the transsexual, last seen heading south. We called her Bernie, but her real name was...
Tick: Adam?

Bernadette: Tony, Adam. This is Mr. and Mrs. Spencer.
Tick: Hello.
Felicia: Hello.
[the car drives off leaving them stranded]
Felicia: No, wait. Stop! Shit!.

Bob: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret act do you do?
Felicia: We dress up in women's clothes and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.

Cynthia: [to Bob] I no like you anyway. You got little ding-a-ling.

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] The only life I saw for the last million miles were the hypnotized bunnies. Most of them are now wedged in the tires.

[after their bus breaks down in the middle of the outback]
Tick: What's happening?
Felicia: Um, I don't know.
Bernadette: Oh, my God! Oh, Felicia. Where the Fuckawei?

Tick: What do you assume I do? Lie?
Marion: Assumption, my dear Mitz, is the mother of all fuck-ups.

Tick: [to Felicia] Night, John Boy.

Tick: Well, listen to this one. After we did the ABBA show, Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements.
Felicia: He didn't?
Tick: Yep. Do you know what they do? They siphon all the fat out of your love handles, and actually inject it into your wing-wang.
Felicia: Ugh! Yucky! I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to "cracking a fat", though, doesn't it?
[laughs]

Bernadette: [to the Bartender] Hello. Could I please have a Stoli and tonic, a Bloody Mary and a lime daiquiri, please?
Shirley: Well! Look what the cat dragged in! What have we got here, eh? A couple of showgirls, have we? Where did you ladies come in from? Uranus?
Bernadette: [to the Bartender] Could I please have a Stoli...
Shirley: No! Ya can't have! Ya can't have nothing! We've got nothing here for people like you! Nothin'!

Bernadette: [to Tick] Oh, that's a novel idea. Let's stuff ourselves to death. Imagine the headlines: "Whales Beach Themselves In The Outback". "Mystery Bum Sticks Dead In Drag".

Cynthia: Refreshments! Lemonade here - I make!
Bob: That's very nice, darling. Please... go back inside.
Cynthia: Lemonade here - I make! Lemonade for guests.
Bob: No, darling, please.
Cynthia: [snarls viciously and curses in an Asian language] I make chockrit cracker!

Mitzi: [as Felicia starts painting over the graffiti on their bus, which is stranded in the middle of nowhere] Purple?
Felicia: It's not *purple*, it's *lavender*. Whaddaya think?
Mitzi: It's nice... in a hideous sort of a way.
Mitzi: [to Bernadette, who has started walking off] Where are *you* going?
Bernadette: If you think I'm going to sit around watching Picasso take on the public transit system, you've got another thing coming. I'll be back with the cavalry in a couple of hours.