Robert Smigel credited as playing...
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog • Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger • Lips of Bill Clinton • Lips of George W. Bush • George W. Bush • Arnold Schwarzenegger • Lips of Saddam Hussein • Al Sharpton • Bill Clinton • Howard Dean • Lips of Bob Dole • Lips of Geraldo Rivera • Self - Guest • Barbara Bush • Bob Dole • Donald Trump • Joe Lieberman • John Kerry • Lips of Al Gore • Lips of Al Pacino • Lips of Al Sharpton • Lips of Donald Rumsfeld • Lips of Donald Trump • Lips of F. Lee Bailey • Lips of Fred Thompson • Lips of John McCain • Lips of Keith Richards • Lips of Larry Craig • Lips of Rod Blagojevich • Lips of Roy • Lips of Rush Limbaugh • Lips of Sammy Sosa • Lips of Steve Irwin • Lips of Zell Miller • Rev. Jeremiah Wright • Ronald Reagan • Rush Limbaugh • Saddam Hussein • Self • Star Jones • Tom Cruise
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: I think Eminem should relax a little. I mean, my mom's a bitch too, but I don't sing songs about it.
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Then I cornered the earthquake and I grabbed it by its ass and zen I pressed against ze earthquake's perky 19-year-old faultlines. Zen the earthquake said, "I thought you hired me for my skills." And I just laughed at ze earthquake. Zen ze earthquake ran out crying and zen I turned slowly to camera, took the cigar out of my mouth and said, "Now she's all shook up."
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What liquid was Han Solo frozen in?
- Star Wars Fans: Carbonite!
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Oh, no, I'm sorry, the answer is, who gives a shit?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Abraham Lincoln was human garbage! It took him five years to win da Civil War. I could have won it in two days with my army of unstoppable cyborgs from the future!
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Mein Führer! I could never have your skills! I've disappointed you, mein Führer!
- Conan O'Brien: Arnold, are you having a bad trip?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, it's a good trip.
- Conan O'Brien: So, you called Cruz Bustamante and agreed that it was a fair election? That was very professional of you, Governor.
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya! Zen I called him a fat little chipmunk! I said he should change his name to Lose Bustyourpantski, zen I had sex with his mother!
- Conan O'Brien: What?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya!
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [referring to Simon Cowell] I always wondered what would happen if you blow-dried the "Weakest Link" chick and cut off her nuts.
- Conan O'Brien: A lot of people seemed to like President Bush's speech last night.
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Noooooo!
- Conan O'Brien: No?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was garbage! No-one even watched it!
- Conan O'Brien: What do you mean no-one watched it?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: They were too busy watching my convention speech again! It's now available on DVD!
- Conan O'Brien: Oh, wait. You mean to say you put your convention speech on a DVD?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, I expanded it into a full-length feature by adding deleted scenes and there's some new explosions, and I even added a commentary track by me!
- Conan O'Brien: What? Your DVD has you doing a commentary track?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, yah! It's filled with insightful comments I made during the speech! Comments like 'Look! That's me!' and 'Oh, this is a good speech!' and 'Oh, check out the jugs on that delegate from Rhode Island'!
- Conan O'Brien: Okay, you shouldn't do that. That's not good.
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Plus, Conan, there's more! There's *more*!
- Conan O'Brien: Really? There's more?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, there's an alternate ending to the speech! Where my speech fights with George Bush's speech on the surface of Mars!
- Conan O'Brien: The two speeches fight?
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: The two speeches collide in a never-before-seen conglomeration of speeches! My speech on the surface it tears into George Bush's speech, rips it into shreds and I turn to the camera and I say, "I'm speechless!"
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You guys like Conan? He's hung like a horse, you know. A horse named My Little Pony!
- Conan O'Brien: [warning Schwarzenegger that he can't carry out all his world-conquering "cyber-clones" plans] But Arnold, you can't do that... the constitution...
- Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: [interrupts] Cyber-clones eat constitutions!
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [to Star Wars Fans] Um, I've got some spoilers. Who wants to hear a spoiler? Here's a spoiler: You will die alone.