Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- Frasier: [responding to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
- Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
- Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
- Frasier: How old are you?
- Ethan: I'm thirteen.
- Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
- Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
- Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
- Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
- Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
- Ethan: ...That's it?
- Frasier: [surprised] Yes.
- Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
- Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
- Ethan: Home.
- Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.
- Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
- [Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
- Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
- [tosses her a lighter]
- Frasier: ... go ahead, knock yourself out.
- [Bebe begins to light cigarette]
- Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
- Bebe: When what happens?
- Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
- Bebe: [tortured] Stop it!
- Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
- [chuckles]
- Frasier: Because you'll have your cigarette.
- [Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]
- Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
- Bebe: [anguished] Enough!
- [Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
- Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!
- Frasier: Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man but in the mood I'm in, I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!
- Frasier: Oh, fine, fine! But you're forgetting that not three days ago I was punched in the face by a man now dead!
- [In some versions of the closing credits theme]
- Frasier: Scrambled eggs all over my face; what is a boy to do?
- Sam Malone: [Niles] Hey, he looks like you used to! What happened, man?
- Frasier: It wasn't a Health Club you were running, there...
- Frasier: What parent has not, at one time or another, completely obliterated their child's chances of future happiness?