Rob Lowe credited as playing...
Benjamin Oliver
- Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
- Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
- Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
- Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
- Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
- [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
- Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
- Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
- Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
- Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
- Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food while speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
- Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
- Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay!
- Benjamin: There you have it!
- Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
- Benjamin Kane: Russell's very excited you're coming down to the studio.
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: Oh, the studio. That's where the magic happens.
- Benjamin Kane: Oh, you've worked in television?
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: No, but I watch a lot of it.
- Benjamin Kane: Of course you do. You're creative.
- Noah Vanderhoff: She's the one who came up with the name "Noah's Arcade."
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: I just opened my mouth and out it came!
- [They all laugh]
- Benjamin Kane: You're a lucky man, Mr. Vanderhoff.
- Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
- Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French; it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
- Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
- Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far?
- Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you.
- [the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]
- Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.
- Garth Algar: You are?
- Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.
- Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
- Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
- Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
- Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
- [last lines]
- Cassandra: I love you, Wayne.
- Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra.
- Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth.
- Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman.
- Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.
- Terry: I love you, man.
- Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
- Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
- Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people?
- [beat]
- Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!
- Benjamin: Wayne, did you know that Noah does all his own commercials?
- Noah Vanderhoff: Yeah, I got a new one where I rap. "Come bust a move where the games are played. It's chill, it's fresh, it's Noah's Arcade." What do you think of that?
- Wayne Campbell: I'd have to say: asphinctersezwhat?
- Noah Vanderhoff: What?
- Wayne Campbell: A sphincter says what?
- Noah Vanderhoff: What?
- Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
- [Wayne is called upstairs to the Control Booth]
- Benjamin Kane: [outraged] Wayne, what the hell's going on here? What are you doing?
- Wayne Campbell: Same thing we always do.
- Benjamin Kane: You publicly humiliated the sponsor.
- Wayne Campbell: Yeah.
- Benjamin Kane: [furious] You're fired!
- Wayne Campbell: Fired? For that? Yeah! Right! That's it, I'm out of here, and I'm taking my show with me.
- Benjamin Kane: We own the show.
- Wayne Campbell: [defeated] Aw, bite me!
- Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?
- Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.
- Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract
- Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT!
- [Ben glares at Russ]
- Russel: Excuse me!