Mike Myers credited as playing...
Wayne Campbell
- Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
- Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.
- Pete: In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
- Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
- Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
- [Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
- Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
- Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
- Garth Algar: She's a babe.
- Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora".
- Garth Algar: If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln.
- [a brief pause]
- Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- [cracks up laughing]
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
- Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
- Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
- Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
- Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
- Tiny: They suck.
- Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.
- Garth Algar: Uh oh. Don't look. Stacy.
- Wayne Campbell: Where? Oh, God, I made eye contact.
- Garth Algar: Psycho hose beast.
- Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
- Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
- Stacy: Well that doesn't mean we can't still go out.
- Wayne Campbell: Well it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.
- Stacy: Well, are you going to go to the Gasworks tonight?
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- Stacy: Don't you want to open your present?
- Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.
- Stacy: Open it.
- Wayne Campbell: Ok. What is it?
- Stacy: It's a gun rack.
- Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
- Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
- Wayne Campbell: I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!
- Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
- Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
- Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
- Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
- Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
- [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
- Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
- Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
- Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "It's OK, I don't mind, I don't mind"? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
- Cassandra: Is that true?
- Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
- Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
- Wayne Campbell: Hel-lo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
- Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
- Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
- Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware.
- [pauses]
- Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in... Delaware.
- Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
- Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.
- Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
- Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
- Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
- [Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
- Garth Algar: Hey, are you through yet? 'Cause I'm gettin' tired of holding this.
- Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.
- [Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
- Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
- Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
- Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
- Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
- Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
- Alice Cooper: Stick around. Hang out with us.
- Garth Algar: Cool! Yeah, we'll stay and hang around with youse - with Alice Cooper.
- Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck!