- [after crash-landing]
- Blaznee: Well, let's see. We got a torqued-out digi-framus, our mega-spaz redundancy pile is on the blink, and it looks like we bruised our boo-boo.
- Deputy Pillsbury: No license, no registration, no plates, no headlights, no taillights, no WHEELS, and I caught you going 3000 miles per hour. That's
- [punches on calculator]
- Deputy Pillsbury: 2945 miles per hour in excess of the posted limit.
- Blaznee: Great. There goes my insurance.
- Giggywig: Look, when a vastly superior alien culture comes all this way to take over your world, certain basic laws of planetary conquest apply. For example, when someone points a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster at you, it's a fair bet you are about to become toast.
- Mrs. Vanderspool: Will you please sit down and be quiet?
- Giggywig: [Mrs. Vanderspool is rather overweight] Or perhaps in your case, a whole loaf of toast!
- Captain Bipto: We did win, didn't we?
- Blaznee: No, but if we think fast enough we might just live to lie about it.
- Martian Soldier: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, BUT we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
- Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
- Martian Soldier: Now would be a great time to start.
- Blaznee: [singing] Oh give me a home / Where the asteroids roam
- Blaznee, Captain Bipto, Dr. Ziplock: And the gleebs and the buzzy mugs play / Where gravity's low / And the water is snow / And the desert winds blow you away / Mars, Mars is my home / Where everyone's short just like me / I wish I was where / There is not so much air / And two moons to shine down upon me.
- [trying to explain to Captain Bipto that their invasion has failed]
- Giggywig: Let me sum up the entire situation in a nutshell: there are five of us, and four billion of them. They have Strategic Air Command, nuclear powered submarines, and John Wayne. We have this.
- [holds up a small rifle]
- Captain Bipto: Is it loaded?
- [points the rifle at Bipto]
- Giggywig: Let's find out!
- Captain Bipto: What's the problem? Just vaporise; everyone, everything, boof, mission accomplished, medals, awards, a parade, next!
- Giggywig: No! Wrong! False! None of the above! Why: because we're not supposed to be here!
- Captain Bipto: What?
- Giggywig: We goofed, we erred, we misinterpreted the data at hand!
- Blaznee: Told ya so.
- [after Captain Bipto has been run down by a speeding pickup truck]
- Mrs. Vanderspool: Allright children, look both ways before crossing the street.
- Giggywig: If only Captain Bipto had known!
- Blaznee: Maybe, you'd better step back and get the big picture here.
- Deputy Pillsbury: Okay...
- [He steps back, and triggers the homemade booby trap]
- Deputy Pillsbury: I've just made a terrible mistake, haven't I?
- Blaznee: Ain't life a bitch?
- [the sheriff watches a surveillance tape as the "War of the Worlds" broadcast on the radio finishes - he pauses it and sees the Martian spaceship flying past]
- Orson Welles: So if your doorbell rings, and nobody's there, that was no Martian. It's Halloween.
- Sheriff Sam Hoxly: You wanna bet?
- Captain Bipto: What do you make of it, Doctor?
- Dr. Ziplock: Well, it's long, flat, and has yellow lines on it; that can only mean one thing ...
- Giggywig: A minefield!
- Dr. Ziplock: I was going to say, "a country road."
- Giggywig: That's what they want us to think. Let me tell you something: one false move and kaboom! You'll be going home in several more pieces than you arrived.
- Blaznee: Just for the record ...
- Enforcer Drone: I'm listening.
- Blaznee: I thought this was a bad idea.
- Enforcer Drone: Just for the record, you'd better hope not.
- Blaznee: The hyperfusion feedback governor, back on the ship, just had a meltdown. If we don't get back to zero gravity within the next, ohh, hour, the ship's hyperdrive will implode, creating an ever expanding hole in the space-time continuum, making you, me, and the rest of this galaxy, some other universe's problem.
- [while the townspeople are firing at the "Farmzoid," piloted by the mind-controlled Verne]
- Deputy Pillsbury: Verne, you come down from there right now, you hear?
- Vern: Yes, shoot, my hapless friends, shoot! Fire everything you've got! The Farmzoid is impervious! AH-HA-HA-HA!
- Deputy Pillsbury: All right, that's it! Mom's gonna hear about this!
- Captain Bipto: Meet us at the Wrenchmuller farm. Bipto out.
- Blaznee: Hey, where do you guys grow your wrenchmullers?
- Blaznee: But, why? Why would Mars want to attack the puny, insignificant forces of Earth?
- Others: [All together] Because we'd win!
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