Jason Alexander credited as playing...
George Costanza
- Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
- George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
- Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
- George Costanza: No.
- Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
- George Costanza: No.
- Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
- George Costanza: No.
- Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
- George Costanza: No.
- Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
- George Costanza: Uh, no.
- Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
- George Costanza: No.
- Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
- George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.
- George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
- George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
- George Costanza: That's unbelievable!
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
- George Costanza: You ran?
- Cosmo Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it!"
- George Costanza: Holy cow!
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy."
- Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer throws two punches and an uppercut] Knocked him out cold!
- George Costanza: How could you do that?
- Cosmo Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
- Jerry: Wow.
- George Costanza: You're Batman.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
- Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
- George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp.
- George Costanza: What gives you pleasure?
- Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
- George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
- Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
- George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
- Jerry: Mammal.
- George Costanza: Whatever.
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
- George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
- [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
- Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
- [George nods]
- Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
- Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
- George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
- Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
- George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
- [falls down]
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
- [hangs up phone]
- Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
- Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
- George Costanza: I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
- George Costanza: Well, I heard a noise.
- Jerry: What noise?
- George Costanza: You know, blah...
- Jerry: What blah?
- George Costanza: From the bathroom.
- Jerry: Oh, you think she was refunding?
- George Costanza: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom.
- Elaine: So you're concerned?
- George Costanza: Elaine, of course I'm concerned... I'm payin' for those meals! It's like throwing money down the toilet!
- George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
- Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
- Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
- George Costanza: Who said that?
- Mr. Lippman: She did.
- George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
- Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
- George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
- George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
- George Costanza: What do they say?
- Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
- Jerry: Assman?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
- George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
- Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
- Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
- George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
- Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
- George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
- Jerry: No, what happened to you?
- George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
- Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
- George Costanza: Right.
- Jerry: What is that?
- George Costanza: You're in latex.
- Jerry: What do I do with latex?
- George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
- Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
- Jerry: And what do I say about you?
- George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
- Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
- George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
- Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.