- [the ghost of the R.M.S. Titanic appears in New York Harbor, and numerous ghostly figures emerge from it]
- Dock Supervisor: Well, better late than never.
- Egon: Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.
- Peter Venkman: 105 years old, he hung in there, didn't he?
- Ray: He didn't die of old age, either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disembowled, drawn and quartered.
- Peter Venkman: Ouch.
- Winston: Guess he wasn't too popular at the end, huh?
- Egon: No, not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.
- Peter Venkman: Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?
- Ray: And dig this, there was a prophecy. Just before his head died, his last words were "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back."
- Louis Tully: Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the audience, I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.
- [the courtroom is in bewildered silence]
- Egon: Very good, Louis. Short, but pointless.
- Prosecutor: So, what you're saying is that the world of the supernatural is your exclusive province?
- Peter Venkman: Kitten, I think what I'm saying, is that sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call?
- [Dana hands Oscar to Peter]
- Dana: It's late, I really ought to put him down.
- Peter Venkman: May I?
- Dana: Yeah, if you want to.
- Peter Venkman: [points in baby's face] You're short, your bellybutton sticks out too far, and you're a terrible burden on your poor mother.
- Peter Venkman: You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal! Only a *Carpathian* would come back to life now and choose New York! Tasty pick, bonehead! If you had brain one in that huge melon on top of your neck, you would be living the sweet life out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando Valley!
- Judge Wexler: [in the middle of persecuting the Ghostbusters he was attacked by the ghosts of two murderers he sentenced to the chair] You got to do something! Help me!
- Ray: Don't talk to me; talk to my attorney.
- Louis Tully: And that's me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order... that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves!
- Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves!
- Prosecutor: Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of 1st Avenue?
- Peter Venkman: Well, there are so many holes in 1st Avenue, we really didn't think anyone would notice.
- Elaine: According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th, in the year two thousand and sixteen.
- Peter Venkman: Valentine's Day. Bummer. Where'd you get your date, Elaine?
- Elaine: I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and then I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.
- Peter Venkman: So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus?
- Elaine: It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room at the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure about that, Peter.
- Janosz: [passing by an assistant working at a desk] Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.
- Dana: Okay, but after dinner, don't put any of those old cheap moves on me. It's different now.
- Peter Venkman: Oh, no! I have all NEW cheap moves.
- [Louis Tully is the Ghostbusters' defense lawyer]
- Louis Tully: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.
- Ray: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.
- Peter Venkman: [to Egon] Who told you to stop cutting? Somebody tell you to stop cutting?
- First Cop: What are you guys doing here?
- Peter Venkman: [to First Cop] You tell him to stop cutting?
- First Cop: Yes, I told him to stop cutting. What are you doing?
- Peter Venkman: What's it look like we're doing here? Why don't you let us work? We let you work.
- Ray: [to Peter] Hey, take it easy.
- [to First Cop]
- Ray: He's been working overtime. I'll tell you why we're here. We're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night. Am I right, Peter?
- Peter Venkman: Of course you're right, Raymond.
- [to Egon]
- Peter Venkman: Is he right, Ziggy?
- Egon: [pause] Yo!
- Ray: [of the insulting birthday party kids] Ungrateful little yuppie larva. After everything we did for this city.
- Winston: Yeah, we conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, and ended up getting sued by every city, county, and state agency in New York.
- Ray: Yeah... but what a ride.
- Judge Wexler: If my hands weren't tied by the unalterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forebears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice, and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!
- [the Mayor's assistant has just been rude to Dr. Peter Venkman]
- Peter Venkman: You know, I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?
- Ray: It looks like a giant Jell-O mold.
- Winston: I hate Jell-O.
- Peter Venkman: Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O!
- Peter Venkman: [to Dana] Well you're probably feeling what Vigo's feeling: "Carpathian Kitten Loss." He misses his kitty! Well, we'll just place one in here right by the castle.
- [Peter grabs a brush and moves towards the Vigo painting]
- Janosz: [Trying to stop Peter] Don't go 'round altering valuable art, Dr. Venkman... go... yes, I think, go... the joyfulness is over!
- Dana: [to Janosz] He's kidding.
- Peter Venkman: Well, you're not gonna get a green card with that attitude, pal!
- Peter Venkman: Hi, Egon. How's school? I bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?
- Egon: I think they're more interested in my epididymis.
- [at the Statue of Liberty]
- Peter Venkman: Hey, how many of you people out here are a national monument? Raise your hand, please? Oh, hello, Miss!
- Peter Venkman: [as the Mayor walks in]
- [Raising his voice over the rest of the 'Busters]
- Peter Venkman: Lenny. Big man.
- The Mayor: The Ghostbusters.
- Winston: Mr. Mayor?
- [Holds out his hand, wanting to shake his hand]
- The Mayor: What is this? A slumber party?
- Ray: Well, that's why we wanted to see you.
- The Mayor: Listen, *I* don't want to hear anything about it. You got two minutes. Make it good.
- Ray: [Getting started] Well, first of all Mr. Mayor, it's a great pleasure to see you again, and you'll be happy to know that almost fifty percent of us voted for you in the last election.
- The Mayor: I appreciate that.
- Peter Venkman: I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.
- Ray: Mr. Mayor, we're here tonight because a psychomagnatheric slimeflow of immense proportions is building up beneath the city.
- The Mayor: Psycho-what?
- Egon: Psychomagnatheric.
- Peter Venkman: Big word, big word.
- Egon: Negative human emotions that are forming into a vicious ectoplasm with *explosive* supernormal potential.
- The Mayor: Can somebody speak English here?
- Winston: Uh yeah. Your honor, what we're trying to say is all of the bad feelings. You know hate, anger and the vibes of the city are turning into this *sludge*. I didn't believe in it either. But, we just went for a swim in it and end up almost killing each other.
- Hardemeyer: [to the Mayor]
- [aggravated]
- Hardemeyer: This is insane! Do we *really* have to listen to this?
- Peter Venkman: [to Hardemeyer] Can't you stop your lips from flapping for 2 little minutes?
- [to the Mayor]
- Peter Venkman: Lenny, have you been out on the street lately, do you know weird it is out there? We've taken our own headcount, there seems to be 3 *million* completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area.
- Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Please.
- Peter Venkman: I beg your pardon, 3 million and *one*.
- Hardemeyer: Hey.
- Ray: And what *fudgy brain* here doesn't realize, that if we don't do something fast this whole place is gonna blow like a frog on a hot plate.
- Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Yeah, right.
- The Mayor: What do you want me to do, go on television and tell 3 million people they have to be *nice* to each other?
- [Begins to walk off]
- The Mayor: Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's god-given right. Your two minutes are up, good night gentlemen.
- [At the foot of the Statue of Liberty]
- Peter Venkman: Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?
- Winston: Wonder what?
- Peter Venkman: Whether she's naked under that toga. She *is* French. You know that.
- Peter Venkman: See you next week on "World of the Psychic." Until then, this is Peter Venkman, saying...
- [points to his forehead and stares at the camera for a long beat]
- Peter Venkman: Ha ha! See you then.
- [Egon and Ray are showing Peter and Winston their breakthrough with a slime specimen]
- Egon: Go ahead, Ray!
- Ray: [shouting at the slime] You! You worthless piece of slime! You ignorant disgusting blob!
- [slime twitches]
- Egon: You're nothing but an unstable short-chained molecule!
- Ray: You foul obnoxious muck!
- [bubbles dangerously with every insult]
- Egon: You have a weak electrochemical bond!
- [starts to bubble over]
- Ray: I have seen some disgusting crud in my time, but you take the cake!
- Peter Venkman: This is what you do with your spare time?
- Ray: Two in the box!
- Egon: Ready to go.
- Peter Venkman: We be fast.
- Ray, Egon, Peter Venkman: And they be slow!
- Louis Tully: Wow!
- Peter Venkman: So, what happened to Mr. Right? I heard he ditched you and went to Europe.
- Dana: He did not ditch me. We had some problems, and he got a very good offer from an orchestra in London and he took it.
- Peter Venkman: So he ditched you?
- [the Ghostbusters have been committed to a mental hospital]
- Ray: As I explained before, we think the spirit of a 17th century Moldavian tyrant is alive and well in a painting at the Manhattan Museum of Art.
- Psychiatrist: Uh-huh, and are there any other paintings in the museum with bad spirits in them?
- Egon: You're wasting valuable time. He's drawing strength from a psychomagnotheric slime flow that's been collecting under the city.
- Psychiatrist: Yes, tell me about the slime.
- Winston: It's very potent stuff. We made a toaster dance with it.
- [motions to Peter]
- Winston: And a bathtub tried to eat his friend's baby.
- Psychiatrist: A bathtub?
- Peter Venkman: [with his head buried in his arms in despair] Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.
- Peter Venkman: You never got it, Dana. I'm a man! I'm sensitive! I need to feel loved. I need to be desired!
- Dana: It was when you started introducing me as the old ball and chain, that's when I left.
- [as the city falls into chaos, the police station is flooded with countless calls from frightened citizens]
- Detective #2: [on the phone] Was it a big dinosaur or a little dinosaur? Oh, just the skeleton, huh? Which way was it headed?
- Detective #3: [on the phone] Wait a second. What was chasing you in the park? The park bench was chasing you? I see...
- Police Sergeant: [on the phone] What? Wait a second. Lieutenant, I think you'd better talk to this guy.
- Police Lieutenant: [impatiently] I'm busy here!
- Police Sergeant: It's some dock supervisor down at Pier 34.
- Police Lieutenant: What's the problem?
- Police Sergeant: He says the Titanic just arrived!
- Peter Venkman: I have more than two grades of laundry, okay? There's not just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Okay? See? You hang this outside the window for twenty minutes... it's perfectly fine.
- [after failing to break through the ectoplasm surrounding the Museum]
- Egon: That slime mold is pulsing with evil. It would take a tremendous amount of positive energy to crack that shell and I seriously doubt there's enough goodwill left in this town to do it.
- Ray: You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's dirty, it's crowded, it's polluted, it's noisy and there's people all around who'd just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's got to be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out 'burg and we just have to figure out a way to mobilize it.
- Egon: He's right. We need something that everyone in this town can get behind, we need... a symbol!
- Ray: Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us.
- Egon: Something good.
- Winston: Something decent.
- Peter Venkman: Something pure.
- [They are all looking at the image of the Statue of Liberty on the Ecto-1's license plate]
- Vigo: On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!
- Talk Show Producer: No respected psychic will come on this show. They all think you're a fraud.
- Peter Venkman: I *am* a fraud!
- Milton Angland: I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve.
- Peter Venkman: Well, for your sake, I hope you're right.
- Dana: You're much better than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit.
- Peter Venkman: I need to hear that kind of stuff. You know, if I had this kind of stuff for like on a 24-hour basis, I could have myself whipped into shape by the end of this century.
- [piloting the Statue of Liberty]
- Egon: We're running out of time, Ray, it's almost midnight. Can't you make her go any faster?
- Ray: I'm afraid the vibrations will shake her to pieces. We should have padded her feet.
- Egon: I don't think they make Nikes in her size, Ray.
- Peter Venkman: Hey, she's tough. She's a harbor chick!
- [Ray has stepped in front of the painting of Vigo, blocking the Ghostbusters' attack]
- Egon: Ray... we'd like to shoot the monster. Could you move, please?
- Peter Venkman: Ray...
- Winston: Ray?
- Egon, Peter Venkman, Winston: RAY!
- [Ray turns around, he is Ray/Vigo]
- Ray: [demonic voice] NO! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the Earth! Begone, you pitiful half-men!
- Peter Venkman: Now!
- [they attack]