Ben Kingsley credited as playing...
Dr. John Watson
- Holmes: It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!
- Watson: Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?
- Holmes: That's right! You were!
- Watson: Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.
- Holmes: You mean he's not trying to kill me?
- Watson: Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.
- Holmes: Oh, thank God.
- Holmes: I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...
- Watson: Holmes, could I have a word?
- Holmes: Yes, what is it?
- Watson: I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.
- Holmes: Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?
- Watson: Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.
- Holmes: It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...
- Holmes: How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?
- Watson: Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?
- Holmes: Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?
- Sherlock Holmes: What are you doing?
- Dr. Watson: Thinking.
- Sherlock Holmes: Right. I'm going to think too.
- [Long pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: What shall we think about, Watson?
- Dr. Watson: Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.
- Lord Smithwick: [scoffing] Dr. Watson...
- Dr. Watson: Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...
- Inspector Lestrade: [interrupting] Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.
- Dr. Watson: I'm not playing parlor games-...
- Inspector Lestrade: Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!
- Sherlock Holmes: [bursting in] You've got to help me! There's two big men...
- Dr. Watson: Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.
- Sherlock Holmes: There's two - this one big fellow...
- Dr. Watson: Ah, excuse us just a moment.
- [He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm]
- Dr. Watson: Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?
- Lord Smithwick: Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?
- Sherlock Holmes: The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...
- Dr. Watson: [prompting] China.
- Sherlock Holmes: China.
- Lord Smithwick: AMAZING!
- Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?
- Lord Smithwick: I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.
- Sherlock Holmes: I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?
- [Watson reveals the ongoing deception to his publisher]
- Greenhough: We'll start at the beginning, shall we?
- Dr. Watson: It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh...
- Greenhough: Hobby...
- Dr. Watson: Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes."
- Greenhough: So you hired this Reginald Kincaid.
- Dr. Watson: He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard.
- Greenhough: John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back.
- Dr. Watson: The cad!
- Greenhough: Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties.
- [Watson tries working without "Holmes"]
- Dr. Watson: That's right. John Watson, the Crime Doctor.
- Bobby at Warehouse: Crime Doctor? Never heard of him. Though, uh, your name sounds a bit familiar.
- Dr. Watson: [grudgingly] All right. I am Dr. John Watson, author of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries.
- Bobby at Warehouse: [warming] Sherlock Holmes?
- Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
- Bobby at Warehouse: THE Sherlock Holmes?
- Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
- Bobby at Warehouse: Me and the wife... has read every one of his stories.
- Dr. Watson: All right. Now, if you'll excuse...
- Bobby at Warehouse: But I'm sorry, doctor. I still can't let you in. Strict orders about that, I'm afraid. Uh, Mr. Holmes, did he, uh, send you here?
- Dr. Watson: He certainly did not!
- Bobby at Warehouse: Well, perhaps the next time you should check with him first, eh? Save yourself a trip.
- Inspector Lestrade: His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.
- Dr. Watson: I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.
- Lord Smithwick: Oh, how disappointing.
- Inspector Lestrade: Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.
- Dr. Watson: I quite agree.
- Inspector Lestrade: You do?
- Dr. Watson: However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.
- Inspector Lestrade: Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.
- Dr. Watson: No, we don't.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.
- Dr. Watson: No he didn't.
- Sherlock Holmes: (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.
- Dr. Watson: No, he wasn't.
- Leslie: Oh, you brave, brave man!
- Sherlock Holmes: Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.
- Dr. Watson: Yes, we insist you stay with us.
- Leslie: Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.
- Sherlock Holmes: Think nothing of it, my dear.
- Dr. Watson: Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.
- [Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty prepare to have a swordfight on the stage of the Orpheum Theater]
- Professor James Moriarty: Ordinarily I do not bother with half-wits and buffoons.
- [Holmes reaches to draw a sword from nearby, but grabs Mrs. Hudson's umbrella by accident]
- Holmes: Buffoons, is it?
- [Moriarty looks annoyed. Realizing his mistake, Holmes quickly tosses the umbrella aside and draws a sword for real this time]
- Holmes: Buffoon, is it?
- Mrs. Hudson: [Looking on with Dr. Watson] He'll be killed!
- Dr. Watson: I quite doubt it, Mrs. Hudson. He's in his element now.
- [Holmes and Watson enter a home and Watson picks up the mail]
- Dr. Watson: Oh, a French postcard.
- Holmes: Really?
- [he takes the card from Watson]
- Holmes: I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.