Michael Caine credited as playing...
Sherlock Holmes • Reginald Kincaid
- Holmes: It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!
- Watson: Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?
- Holmes: That's right! You were!
- Watson: Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.
- Holmes: You mean he's not trying to kill me?
- Watson: Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.
- Holmes: Oh, thank God.
- Holmes: I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...
- Watson: Holmes, could I have a word?
- Holmes: Yes, what is it?
- Watson: I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.
- Holmes: Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?
- Watson: Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.
- Holmes: It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...
- Holmes: How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?
- Watson: Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?
- Holmes: Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?
- Holmes: As a matter of fact, Lestrade, You can be some help.
- Inspector Lestrade: Of course!
- Holmes: Hold my coat, it's hot in here.
- Sherlock Holmes: What are you doing?
- Dr. Watson: Thinking.
- Sherlock Holmes: Right. I'm going to think too.
- [Long pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: What shall we think about, Watson?
- Dr. Watson: Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.
- Lord Smithwick: [scoffing] Dr. Watson...
- Dr. Watson: Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...
- Inspector Lestrade: [interrupting] Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.
- Dr. Watson: I'm not playing parlor games-...
- Inspector Lestrade: Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!
- Sherlock Holmes: [bursting in] You've got to help me! There's two big men...
- Dr. Watson: Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.
- Sherlock Holmes: There's two - this one big fellow...
- Dr. Watson: Ah, excuse us just a moment.
- [He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm]
- Dr. Watson: Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?
- Lord Smithwick: Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?
- Sherlock Holmes: The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...
- Dr. Watson: [prompting] China.
- Sherlock Holmes: China.
- Lord Smithwick: AMAZING!
- Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?
- Lord Smithwick: I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.
- Sherlock Holmes: I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?
- Holmes: An occasional libation enables me to stiffen my resolve.
- Mrs. Hudson: Your resolve should be pickled by now!
- [Holmes has just tried and failed to hang himself]
- Mrs. Hudson: Mr. Holmes! What would Dr. Watson say?
- Holmes: He would have offered to kick the chair out from underneath me!
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.
- Dr. Watson: No, we don't.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.
- Dr. Watson: No he didn't.
- Sherlock Holmes: (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.
- Dr. Watson: No, he wasn't.