Space Mutiny

Flint IronStag, Bulk VanderHuge, Thick McRunFast...

How bad does a movie have to be when it can't even afford special FX, so it has to borrow visuals from a TV series like "Battlestar: Galactica"?

As bad as "Space Mutiny".

Blast HardCheese, Punch RockGroin, Buck PlankChest...

And this one is really bad. Scratch that: really really really REALLY bad. Bad like a room full of dirty socks. Bad like listening to Yanni music for the rest of your life. Bad like a prison haircut. Bad like that tux you wore to the prom.

Stump JunkMan, Dirk HardPec, Rip SteakFace...

The story might have worked (members of expedition to new planet revolt against captain, crew), but they blew it from the moment they used old Commodore graphics for the starting credits and an old Casio keyboard for the theme music.

Slate SlabRock, Crud BoneMeal, Brick HardMeat...

The cast helps nothing by containing the likes of such once-respected actors as Cameron Mitchell, James Ryan and John Phillip Law (yes, he was respected once) in the cast. The sight of Mitchell in his bushy white beard makes it look like he should be handing out toys to the cast and inviting them to sit on his lap.

Rip SlagCheek, Punch SideIron, Gristle McThornBody...

Has anyone seen Cisse Cameron in anything other than this movie? No? Probably a good thing, especially after watching her "seduction" scene with that bald guy and trying to dance seductively with a hula hoop. It's like watching your grandma in a strip club. Ewww....

Slate FistCrunch, Buff HardBack, Blast ThickNeck...

But the worst offenses are committed by "hero" Reb Brown, all beefed-up and steroid-enhanced as a space jock who screams, shouts, whines and will make no one forget Sam Jones when he played "Flash Gordon" so many years back.

Crunch ButtSteak, Slab SquatThrust, Lump BeefBroth...

And has anyone ever seen a spaceship with brick walls, warehouse windows and cement floors? Me neither. Jeez, even the old Roger Corman sci-fi flicks had better set design than this.

Touch Rustrod, Brief Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge...

And as if you haven't guessed, the only (and I mean ONLY) way you'll ever get any enjoyment out of this mess is by watching the MST3K version with Mike and the Robots throwing every last bit of pretension this flick had over one of its innumerable rails to the floor far below.

Smoke ManMuscle, Feet PunchBeef...

Two stars for "Space Mutiny", ten stars for the MST3K version (plus five special stars for all the superlatives for Brown).

...Bob Johnson?

Yeah, the film industry is not what is was when Ed Wood was directing, and B-movies don't get released in theaters anymore; but they do get released on video. And we should be glad that they do, at least in the case of Space Mutiny, 'cause it may be the single most unintentionally hilarious movie ever made. Don't believe me? Just take a look at these numbers:

# of times our ostensible "hero" screams in panic: 17

# of jumpsuited extras flung into the air with pneumatic catapults: 14

# of insertions of "Battlestar Galactica" footage: lost count around 40

# of previously seen shots edited in:15

# of times the Enforcers refer to each other as "idiots": 7

# of off-the-shelf glowing balls in the Bellarian scenes: 8

# of times Ryder or Kalgon yells at someone to "MOVE!" or "GO!": 26

# of occasions Kalgon starts laughing for no apparent reason: 18

# of minutes you get to watch grown men trying to kill each other with golf carts: 5

# of railing kills: 24 (may have missed a couple)

Don't pass up a chance to see this; one of these days, someone involved with it is going to get embarrassed enough about it to try and have all the copies destroyed.

I must agree with that quote. This movie royally sucked. The plot and acting are terrible. The special effects are somewhat good, but they are ripped off from Battle star Galactica. The MST version of course rocked. That's where I got that quote which was just hilarious. I will say one good thing about this movie: It was awfully nice of them to give that dead woman a second chance.

Anyway, this movie was terrible and deserves to be on the bottom 100. Never watch it without Mike, Tom Servo and Crow.

OK, folks! Don't worry, I won't be giving away anything important, although I don't think I could spoil this movie if I tried. So off we go...

As what sounds like Kintaro's arrangement of 'O Fortuna' wafts our way, we are subjected to the film's opening credits. They look like they were produced by a Commodore 64 and they freeze up more than once because there are too darned many moving objects on the screen.

Welcome to Battlestar Galactica-- I mean, the Southern Sun! This ship is home to an entire civilization, despite the fact that 90% of it appears to be a brewery. In charge of this magnificent flying basement is Captain Santa Claus, assisted by his Billy-Idol-wannabe sidekick. I've seen this movie at least a dozen times and still am not really sure what the plot is, but it has something to do with a greasy-haired guy named Kalgan trying to disrupt the transportation of a bunch of magical -- and (of course) extremely horny -- women. Santa puts our seemingly brain-damaged hero Ryder in charge of defeating Kalgan. Meanwhile Captain Santa's daughter Leah, who somehow doesn't seem much younger than the Captain himself, gets pretty chummy with Ryder. In the words of Crow T. Robot: "If you pretend you know what's going on, it's actually kind of exciting."

Watch and enjoy the following: Vacu-formed unitards, ridiculously small weapons, Santa's incredibly fake beard, tinfoil muu-muus, Kalgan's giggling fits, Ryder's bizarre reaction shots, a woman who punches in at work despite the fact that she was just murdered, Leah's sensual Dance of the Hoola Hoop, the most '80s bar scene EVER, women who reeeeeally like Van DeGraf Generators, countless shots of computer screens (graphics by Kenner), Ryder's attempt to say 'auxiliary', and numerous molasses-fast chase scenes involving golf carts... or floor waxers or something.

This movie is not campy; it's just that everything is wrong in all the right ways. Acting, sets, lighting, costumes, dialogue... they're all just plain goofy. These folks tried to make an exciting space-drama -- and maybe it would've been if they had dared to take ANYTHING up a notch -- but every aspect of it just says, "space movie" and nothing more.

If this movie was just plain bad, you might have to feel sad for the people that made it, thinking it would work. However, it makes such a leap into the ridiculous that you just have to laugh. A must-see for fans of so-bad-it's-good movies. And whether you love or hate sci-fi, this is a very funny movie.

I give it a 4 -- it may not affect you the way it's supposed to, but it's great entertainment.

This is a film that was riffed on by Mystery Science Theater 3000. There may be debate on whether a film deserves the riffing, but this one most certainly deserves all the ridicule one can muster. A film that takes place on a spaceship, but the only reason you would even know this are the occasional outside shots showing the ship flying or the dogfights; however, those outside shots are not even from this film, but rather old clips from the television series Battlestar Galactica. The rest of the film looks like they shot in a high school for the bridge scenes, the futuristic bar scene and the Ballerines' room and all the fight scenes take place in a factory. In some of the scenes you can clearly see the sunshine coming through the windows. Do not get me wrong, there were a lot of bad science fiction films made during this time, but this film makes Roger Corman's stuff look amazing! It was certainly done on the cheap side of things, but I guess the hope is that you make it as incredibly cheap as possible and hopefully you can trick people into coming into the theater to see it with an awesome poster. Which could be done back in the day as there was no internet and suffice to say that trick did work on my parents a couple of times. Thankfully, they did not have to sit through this horrible train wreck and neither did I, that is until the gang from the Satellite of Love took no prisoners!

The story is a mess. You start out getting a voice over explaining that what is left of the people of Earth live on this large spaceship and that they are content to live there; however, there is a faction that wishes to leave said ship. Granted, I cannot say I blame them for wanting to leave if that futuristic bar is an example of the entertainment! Well there is a space battle that is completely random and is just a clip from Battlestar Galactica and then we meet Ryder who is beefy and the only one who can take out Kalgon and his evil army! Ryder falls in love with the commander of the ship's daughter. The daughter looks about the same age as her father as we get a woman trying to play the role of someone younger. Not going to say she looks bad, but she does look too old to be playing the love interest. There are kidnappings, betrayal and strange women who are called Ballerines that really serve no purpose...

This film was rightfully riffed by MST3K as it is kind of a mess. They riff the fact there are a lot of people flung over railings and rightfully so as there are a lot of people who get killed and then get flung over a railing! The woman's age is also a running joke as is the beefy hero. The most ridiculous thing that occurs in this film is when they start chasing each other in little carts that go at an extremely slow speed making one wonder why they do not just run or something?

So, this is a bad film as the best parts are the clips from an old television show. Too much going on that makes no sense as you have random space pirate attacks that really go nowhere and people wrapped in plastic. Kalgon seems to be nothing but a mere human, yet they act like he is a super powered foe and how exactly did he gain so much power? One also has to wonder why they cannot just leave the ship as Ryder the hero came on board and came from somewhere else. Just a mess, as this one has virtually no redeeming qualities. Makes another Reb Brown film, Yor, the Hunter from the Future look great by comparison.