George Wyner credited as playing...
Colonel Sandurz
- Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
- Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
- Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
- Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
- Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
- Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
- Colonel Sandurz: When?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: Now?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
- Dark Helmet: Why?
- Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
- Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
- Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
- Dark Helmet: How soon?
- Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
- Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
- Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
- Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
- Dark Helmet: Who is he?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
- Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
- Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
- [Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
- Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
- Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
- [Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
- Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
- [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
- Roland: One.
- Dark Helmet: One.
- Colonel Sandurz: One.
- Roland: Two.
- Dark Helmet: Two.
- Colonel Sandurz: Two.
- Roland: Three.
- Dark Helmet: Three.
- Colonel Sandurz: Three.
- Roland: Four.
- Dark Helmet: Four.
- Colonel Sandurz: Four.
- Roland: Five.
- Dark Helmet: Five.
- Colonel Sandurz: Five.
- Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
- Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
- Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
- Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
- Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
- Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
- [Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
- Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
- [covering his neck]
- Radio Operator: Not that.
- Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
- [aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
- [Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
- Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
- Dark Helmet: WHAT?
- [Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
- Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
- Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
- Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
- Dark Helmet: GOOD!
- [Sandurz slams the door]
- Colonel Sandurz: [squeaks] Prepare ship...
- [tries again, with booming voice]
- Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
- Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
- Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
- Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
- Dark Helmet: The what?
- Colonel Sandurz: The what?
- Dark Helmet: And the what?
- Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
- [makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
- Radar Technician: The sweeps.
- [makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
- Radar Technician: And the creeps.
- [makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
- Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
- Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
- Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
- Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
- [slaps the machine]
- Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
- [prepairs a cup for Helmet]
- Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
- Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
- Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
- All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
- President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
- Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
- President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
- Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
- President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
- President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
- Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
- Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
- Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
- Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
- Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
- Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
- Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
- Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
- Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
- Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
- Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
- Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
- Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
- Dark Helmet: [Collapses]
- Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
- Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.
- Dark Helmet: What did you do?
- Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
- Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
- Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.
- Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!
- Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
- Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
- Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
- Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
- Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadn't you better buckle up?
- Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*
- [Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
- Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
- President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
- Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
- President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
- Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
- [they close their eyes and grimace]
- Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
- President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
- [They close them again]
- Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?
- Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
- Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
- Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
- Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
- Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?
- Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack.
- Colonel Sandurz: Prepare to attack!
- Dark Helmet: On the count of three. One... two...
- [Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
- Dark Helmet: Late! What happened? Where are they?
- Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.
- Dark Helmet: And what have we bot on this thing? A *cuisinart*?
- Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] We've passed them. Stop this thing!
- Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
- Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!
- [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs, the movie]
- Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
- Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
- Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
- Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!