Rick Moranis credited as playing...
Dark Helmet
- Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
- Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
- Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
- Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
- Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
- Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
- Colonel Sandurz: When?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: Now?
- Dark Helmet: Now.
- Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
- Dark Helmet: Why?
- Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
- Dark Helmet: When?
- Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
- Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
- Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
- Dark Helmet: How soon?
- Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
- Lone Starr: What?
- Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
- Lone Starr: What's that make us?
- Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
- Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
- Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
- Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
- Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
- Dark Helmet: Who is he?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
- Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
- Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
- Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
- Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
- [Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
- Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
- Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
- [Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
- Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
- [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
- Roland: One.
- Dark Helmet: One.
- Colonel Sandurz: One.
- Roland: Two.
- Dark Helmet: Two.
- Colonel Sandurz: Two.
- Roland: Three.
- Dark Helmet: Three.
- Colonel Sandurz: Three.
- Roland: Four.
- Dark Helmet: Four.
- Colonel Sandurz: Four.
- Roland: Five.
- Dark Helmet: Five.
- Colonel Sandurz: Five.
- Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls, in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, you are mine!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Helmet!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Lone Starr!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Now you are going to die! BAM!
- [in Lone Starr voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh... OH!
- [in Barf voice]
- Dark Helmet: Hey, what did you do to my friend?
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
- [in Barf voice]
- Dark Helmet: OH! OH!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: And you too!
- [in Dot voice]
- Dark Helmet: Owww! Ah!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
- [in Vespa voice]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, leave me alone!
- [in Dark Helmet voice]
- Dark Helmet: No, kiss me!
- [cuts between their voices]
- Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...
- Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
- Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
- Ape #2: Spaceballs?
- Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
- [watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
- Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.
- Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
- Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
- Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
- Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
- Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
- Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
- [Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
- Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
- [covering his neck]
- Radio Operator: Not that.
- Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
- [aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]
- [Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
- Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
- Dark Helmet: WHAT?
- [Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
- Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
- Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
- Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
- Dark Helmet: GOOD!
- [Sandurz slams the door]
- Dark Helmet: [after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed] Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
- Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
- Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
- Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
- Dark Helmet: The what?
- Colonel Sandurz: The what?
- Dark Helmet: And the what?
- Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
- [makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
- Radar Technician: The sweeps.
- [makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
- Radar Technician: And the creeps.
- [makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
- Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
- Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
- Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
- Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
- Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
- [slaps the machine]
- Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
- [prepairs a cup for Helmet]
- Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
- Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
- Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
- All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.
- President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
- Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
- President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
- Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
- President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
- Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
- President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
- Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]
- Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.