- [last lines]
- Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach; all the damn vampires.
- Sam Emerson: Wait, wait. You *have* a TV?
- Grandpa: No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.
- David: Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!
- Sam Emerson: Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael, just like out of a comic book! You're a vampire, Michael! My own brother, a damn, blood-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!
- Alan Frog: We don't ride with vampires.
- Sam Emerson: Fine, stay here.
- Edgar Frog: [Looks around, clearly scared] We do now.
- Alan Frog: Yeah.
- Max: It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big, happy family. Your boys... and my boys.
- Edgar Frog: Great! The Bloodsucking Brady Bunch!
- Alan Frog: [after Laddie vamps out] Holy smoke! It's the attack of Eddie Munster!
- Edgar Frog: Get him! Kill him now!
- [the Frog Brothers and Sam chase after Laddie, but Star, who was hiding in the closet, stops them]
- Star: [shields Laddie] Stop! Get away from him! You just stay away from him!
- Alan Frog: Have you gone crazy?
- Edgar Frog: He's a vampire, and that makes him even more dangerous!
- Star: [still shielding Laddie] HE'S NOT A VAMPIRE, DAMMIT! He's just a little boy.
- David: How are those maggots?
- Michael Emerson: Huh?
- David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
- Edgar Frog: I think I should warn you all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode, but all will try to take you with them.
- Grandpa: [the boys come in carrying Laddie and Star, who are sleeping. Grandpa is totally ignoring the unconscious Laddie in Edgar's arms, and Star in Michael's] Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking?
- Michael Emerson: [Hoping he says nothing about Laddie and Star] No, Grandpa.
- Grandpa: Well, now you do.
- Sam Emerson: [about Star] It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?
- [Star floats up]
- Sam Emerson: She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike.
- Grandpa: Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave?
- Sam Emerson: How about some Windex, Grandpa?
- Grandpa: Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that.
- Michael Emerson: You have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
- Grandpa: I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson.
- Michael Emerson: What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?
- Sam Emerson: You're a vampire! I knew it!
- Michael Emerson: I am not!
- Sam Emerson: So what are you? The Flying Nun?
- Max: Let this be a lesson to you, you silly little boy: Never ever invite a vampire into your house. And why? Because it renders you powerless.
- Sam Emerson: Did you know that?
- Edgar Frog: Of course. Everyone knows that. Why else would we be here?
- Grandpa: Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew that didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
- Edgar Frog: [the Frog Brothers walk in the room, carrying loads of stakes. To Sam] Okay, where's Count Dracula?
- Sam Emerson: Who?
- Edgar Frog: The prince of darkness.
- Alan Frog: The night crawler. The bloodsucker.
- Edgar Frog: El Vampiro.
- Sam Emerson: Mike! They're here!
- Edgar Frog: Listen, just so you know, if you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!
- Sam Emerson: Chill out, Edgar.
- Edgar Frog: [coming to his senses] Right.
- [about Grandpa]
- Michael Emerson: Looks like he's dead!
- Sam Emerson: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
- Michael Emerson: I can't beat your bike.
- David: You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.
- Edgar Frog: You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?
- Sam Emerson: Yeah, all day.
- Alan Frog: Does the sunlight freak him out?
- Sam Emerson: Uh, he wears sunglasses in the house.
- Edgar Frog: Bad breath, long fingernails?
- Sam Emerson: Yeah, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um, he always had bad breath, though.
- Alan Frog: He's a vampire all right.
- Edgar Frog: All right, here's what you do: get yourself a good sharp stake and drive it right through his heart.
- Sam Emerson: I can't do that; he's my brother.
- Alan Frog: OK, we'll come over and do it for you.
- Sam Emerson: No!
- Edgar Frog: You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.
- Edgar Frog: Listen, buddy, if you're looking for the diet frozen yogurt bar, it went out of business last summer.
- Sam Emerson: Actually, I'm looking for a "Batman" issue #14.
- Edgar Frog: That's a very serious book, man.
- Alan Frog: Only five in existence.
- Sam Emerson: Four, actually. I'm always looking out for the other three.
- Paul: Ha, ha! You're mine! You killed Marko!
- Edgar Frog: Yeah, and you're next!
- Paul: No, you're next!
- [sees garlic in the bathtub and knows what Edgar and Alan are thinking]
- Paul: Ha, ha! Garlic don't work, boys!
- Edgar Frog: TRY HOLY WATER, DEATH BREATH!
- [sprays Paul with water pistol, his skin burns from holy water and screams in agony]
- Grandpa: Well, now, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once, we'd have one hell of a population problem.
- Sam Emerson: So where're we going?
- Michael Emerson: Nowhere.
- Sam Emerson: So what's the rush? You're chasing that girl aren't you? Come on, admit it. I'm at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.
- Sam Emerson: And then his dog started chasing my mom like the hounds of hell in "Vampires Everywhere."
- Edgar Frog: We've been aware there's some very serious vampire activity in this town for some time.
- Alan Frog: Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead.
- Edgar Frog: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.
- Alan Frog: Kill your brother, you'll feel better.
- Alan Frog: We blew it, man, we lost it!
- Edgar Frog: Shut up!
- Alan Frog: We unraveled in the face of the enemy!
- Edgar Frog: It's not our fault, they pulled a mind scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked!
- Sam Emerson: I bet you hate garlic, dontcha!
- Max: No, I like garlic! It's just a little much! It's raw garlic.
- Lucy Emerson: You got carried away by a comic book?
- Sam Emerson: It was a scary comic, mom. I'm sorry.
- Grandpa: Hey! Smells good! When do we eat?
- Lucy Emerson: I told Max around 8:00.
- Grandpa: Max! Are we going to have company again?
- Lucy Emerson: Again? Dad you haven't had company in this house since Mom died eight years ago.
- Grandpa: Right! Now we are going to have company again!
- Sam Emerson: Got a problem, guys?
- Edgar Frog: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
- Sam Emerson: Pretty cool, huh?
- Alan Frog: For a fashion victim.
- Alan Frog: There's our number on the back. And pray you never need to call us.
- Sam Emerson: I'll pray I never need to call you.
- Michael Emerson: Look, this isn't a comic book, Sam, these guys are brutal killers.
- Sam Emerson: So are the Frog brothers!
- Michael Emerson: [Sam comes out of the bathroom, Michael's hand is cut up, and bloody] Nanook.
- Sam Emerson: What about Nanook? What'd you do to my dog, you asshole?
- Alan Frog: First come, first staked.
- Sam Emerson: What was that? A little vampire humor? Well, it wasn't funny!
- Sam Emerson: [bursts into the video store where his mom is working] Mom, listen, I gotta tell you something - it's real important. Shh! Santa Carla is crawling with vampires.
- Lucy Emerson: [to customers] Um, excuse me...
- Sam Emerson: Mom, I'm serious! Listen, Edgar staked one, it was screaming and fizzing. Look, Mom, there's evidence on my sweater.
- Grandpa: Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my cocktail peanuts, my bottles of Diet Pepsi and my double-thick animal crackers. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay very close attention to it. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.
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