Johnny Depp credited as playing...
Officer Tom Hanson
- Officer Judy Hoffs: How many times have you seen this?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: 122 times... but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things. But I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer, and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Come on, Hanson.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Hanson, please!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Hanson, please! Please.
- Busdriver: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your bus pass?
- Off. Doug Penhall: [as Doug McQuaid] My dog ate it.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: [as Tommy McQuaid] I got the same dog.
- Off. Doug Penhall: This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hammered.
- Off. Doug Penhall: Pickled.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: To the gills.
- Off. Doug Penhall: [after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You wouldn't have let me in.
- Off. Doug Penhall: I know. Why didn't you call?
- Off. Doug Penhall: They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Sprinkles? Really?
- Ronnie Seebok: You could end up dead, man...
- [with gun pointed to Hanson's face]
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hey Ronnie. The safety's on the left, man. You ought to take it off if you want to threaten somebody.
- Ronnie Seebok: Safety don't work, man. Never did.