William Shatner credited as playing...
Kirk
- [after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park]
- Kirk: Everybody remember where we parked.
- Punk on bus: [Playing loud music on the bus]
- Kirk: Excuse me.
- Punk on bus: [He ignores him]
- Kirk: Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise?
- Punk on bus: [He turns it up louder]
- Kirk: [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise?
- Punk on bus: [He flips him off]
- Kirk: [He looks at Spock]
- Spock: [He gives the punk the Vulcan neck-pinch, followed by the delighted applause of the grateful bus passengers]
- Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me! You're from outer space.
- Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.
- Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?
- Spock: Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess.
- Kirk: A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary.
- Spock: [to Dr. McCoy] I don't think he understands.
- McCoy: No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.
- Spock: Then you're saying...
- [pause]
- Spock: It is a compliment?
- McCoy: It is.
- Spock: Ah. Then, I will try to make the best guess I can.
- McCoy: Please do.
- Kirk: [Explaining Spock's odd behavior] Oh, him? He's harmless. Back in the sixties, he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS.
- Dr. Gillian Taylor: LDS?
- [the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]
- Sulu: ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.
- Scotty: The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?
- Kirk: A ship is a ship.
- Scotty: Whatever you say so.
- [pause]
- Scotty: Thy will be done.
- [the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]
- Kirk: My friends.
- [pause]
- Kirk: We've come home.
- Kirk: Out of the way...
- Shore Patrolman: Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...
- Dr. Gillian Taylor: [Gillian moans in pain]
- McCoy: My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!
- [They enter the operating room]
- Kirk: What did you say she has?
- McCoy: Cramps.
- Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.
- Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
- Spock: Yes.
- Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.
- Disgruntled guy in car: Hey, why don't ya watch where you're going, ya dumb-ass!
- Kirk: Well, uh, double dumb-ass on you!
- Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from The Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?
- Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.
- [to the Antique Store Owner]
- Kirk: How much?
- Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.
- Kirk: [pause] Is that a lot?
- Federation Council president: The Council is now in session. If you will all take your seats. Bring in the accused.
- [Spock leaves his seat and he moves at side of Kirk]
- Federation Council president: Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
- Spock: Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
- Federation Council president: As you wish. The charges and specifications are: conspiracy, assault on Federation Officers, theft of Federation Property namely the Starship Enterprise, sabotage of the U.S.S. Excelsior, wilful destruction of Federation Property specifically the aforementioned U.S.S. Enterprise, and finally disobeying direct orders of the Starfleet Commander. Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?
- Kirk: On behalf of all of us, Mister President, I am authorised to plead guilty.
- Federation Council president: So entered. Because of certain mitigating circumstances, all charges but one are summarily dismissed. The remaining charge, disobeying orders of a superior officer is directed solely at Admiral Kirk. I'm sure the Admiral will recognise the necessity of keeping discipline in any chain of command.
- Kirk: I do, sir.
- Federation Council president: James T. Kirk. It is the judgment of this Council that you be reduced in rank to Captain, and that as a consequence of your new rank, you be given the duties for which you have repeatedly demonstrated unswerving ability: the command of a starship.
- Shore Patrolman: How's the patient, doctor?
- Kirk: He's gonna make it.
- Shore Patrolman: He? You came in with a she.
- Kirk: One little mistake...
- Dr. Gillian Taylor: He's just gonna hang around the bushes while we eat?
- Kirk: [shrugs] It's his way.
- Gillian: You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that?
- Kirk: No, ma'am. No dipshit.
- Gillian: Well, good. That was one thing, I would have dropped you off right here.
- Spock: Gracie is pregnant.
- [Gillian brakes to a sudden stop]
- Gillian: All right, who are you? And don't jerk me around anymore, I want to know how you know that!
- Kirk: We can't tell you.
- Gillian: But...
- Kirk: Please, just let me finish. I can tell you that we're not in the military and that we intend no harm to the whales. In fact, we may be able to help - in ways that, frankly, you couldn't possibly imagine.
- Gillian: Or believe, I'll bet.
- Kirk: Very likely.