Keith Gordon: Jason Melon

Back to School

Jason Melon

Lou: Come here. I want to tell you something.
Jason Melon: What?
Lou: You were pretty hard on your father last night.
Jason Melon: I know, but the guy doesn't understand.
Lou: I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.

Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.
[the football player picks up Derek by his shirt]
Derek: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!
Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]
Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?
Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.
Lou: Well, now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

Jason Melon: Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.
Thornton Melon: I tried...
[knock on door]
Thornton Melon: I don't understand a word of it.
Jason Melon: [going to the door] So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there]
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: [removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

Chas: [limping off the diving board] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!

Thornton Melon: When's our first class?
Jason Melon: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.
Thornton Melon: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.
Jason Melon: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.
Thornton Melon: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.

Thornton Melon: [in college bookstore] Hey, you guys get everything you need?
Jason Melon: Oh, yeah, we got it.
Thornton Melon: Good... Hey! What's with the used books?
Jason Melon: Well, what's wrong with used books?
Thornton Melon: They've already been read!
Jason Melon: Yeah, and they already been UNDER-LINED, too. Get it?
Thornton Melon: That's the problem. The last guy who under-lined them, he could have been a maniac! Hey, get these guys some new books. Huh? Get some new books, will ya?

[Jason enters his dorm room with Derek to see his father and Lou waiting]
Jason Melon: AAAHHH! Dad, uh... what are you doing here?
Thornton Melon: I'm robbing your room! That's what I'm doing here.
Thornton Melon: [to Lou] We drive 300 miles to see the kid, that's the greeting we get. Ha!
Thornton Melon: [to Jason] Come here, will ya? Ha ha ha.
[they both laugh and embrace]
Thornton Melon: Heya. How ya doing?