Val Kilmer: Chris Knight

Real Genius

Chris Knight

Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch: No...
Chris Knight: Why am I the only one who has that dream?

Mitch: What are you doing?
Chris Knight: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

[Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house]
Chris Knight: So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards.
[She walks out]

Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight: You've seen him too?
Mitch: Who is he?
Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.
Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
Mitch: Yeah...
Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

Professor Hathaway: When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?
Chris Knight: I got a haircut?

Kent: You're all a bunch of degenerates.
Chris Knight: *We* are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
Kent: You did not.
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent: Look, it was hot and I was hungry, okay?

[Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside]
Chris Knight: Hey Kent... That's your car.
Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.
Kent: You've gone too far this time, Knight.
Chris Knight: [whiny, scared voice] I had help!
[points to Mitch]
Kent: You, huh? Well you won't get away with this. Doctor Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You'll rue the day!
Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?

Chris Knight: Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.

Chris Knight: Jerry, if you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Professor Hathaway: I'm not kidding, Chris.
Chris Knight: Neither am I, Jerry.

[Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it]
Chris Knight: Here Mitch, taste this. Go on, you won't hurt my feelings, just try it. What do you think, too sweet?
Mitch: What is it?
Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
[Mitch starts to induce vomiting]
Chris Knight: Relax, it's just yogurt.

Kent: And I suppose you're in on this too. Did you make this stuff?
'Ick' Ikagami: I'm not saying.
Kent: Well who's gonna clean it up?
'Ick' Ikagami: You won't have to. It's gonna go from solid form directly to gas.
Kent: Whoa! Really? What is it?
'Ick' Ikagami: I'm not sayin', but I can tell you it's fairly rare and very unstable.
Chris Knight: [glances at Kent] Just like you.

Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Chris Knight: Don't eat that!
Chris' Girl at Party: Why?
Chris Knight: Don't you know that eating that stuff can give you very large breasts?
[looks down]
Chris Knight: Oh, my God! I'm too late!