Harry Shearer credited as playing...
Derek Smalls
- David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
- Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
- Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
- Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
- David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
- Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.
- David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
- Nigel Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.
- Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
- Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...
- David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
- Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
- Derek Smalls: Just like that.
- David St. Hubbins: He just went up.
- Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
- David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...
- David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.
- Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
- David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.
- Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
- David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
- Derek Smalls: We're very luck, in a sense, that we have two visionaries in the band. David and Nigel, they're both like - like poets, you know, like Shelley and Byron, people like that. They're two totally distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically, you see. I feel my role in the band is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
- Marty DiBergi: Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
- Derek Smalls: No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.
- Marty DiBergi: So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
- Derek Smalls: Yeah.
- [David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]
- Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
- David St. Hubbins: *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!
- Derek Smalls: We're lucky.
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
- Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
- David St. Hubbins: I envy us.
- Derek Smalls: Yeah.
- David St. Hubbins: I do.
- Derek Smalls: Me too.
- Derek Smalls: Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah!
- [singing]
- David St. Hubbins: You're a naughty one...
- Derek Smalls, David St. Hubbins: Saucy Jack...
- David St. Hubbins: You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.
- Derek Smalls: That's not to say I haven't had my visionary moments. I've taken acid seventy... five, seventy-six times.
- Marty DiBergi: 76?
- Derek Smalls: Yeah, so I've had my moments in the sky.
- Derek Smalls: [on the phone to his solicitor] Isn't there a law against this sort of thing? Surely you can't just buy a full page ad in the music papers and publish your divorce demands.
- [pause]
- Derek Smalls: What do you mean 'I paid for it'?
- [pause]
- Derek Smalls: Joint account! Fuck! Can't we just have her killed? You know people.
- David St. Hubbins: [to the Janitor] We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.
- Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall...
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
- Janitor: turn right...
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
- Janitor: and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.
- Derek Smalls: A jog?
- Janitor: jog to the left...
- David St. Hubbins: A jog?
- Derek Smalls: We don't have time for that.
- Janitor: go straight ahead...
- David St. Hubbins: We trust you. We trust you.
- Janitor: go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
- Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!
- David St. Hubbins: You think so?
- Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
- David St. Hubbins: We've got guitars yeah.
- Terry Ladd: Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
- Derek Smalls: Ok.
- David St. Hubbins: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.
- Derek Smalls: We'll catch up with you on the road.
- Duke Fame: Cheers.
- David St. Hubbins: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!
- [as soon as they are out of earshot]
- David St. Hubbins: Fuckin' wanker.
- Nigel Tufnel: What a wanker.
- David St. Hubbins: What a wanker.
- Derek Smalls: Total no talent sod.
- Derek Smalls: You know, we've grown musically. I mean, you listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid, you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we've taken the sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music...
- Marty DiBergi: And putting it on a farm?
- Derek Smalls: Yeah.
- Jeanine Pettibone: [looking at the marquee at the Themeland Amusement Park's Theatre] Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times: put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet Show" last.
- Derek Smalls: It's a morale builder, isn't it?
- Jeanine Pettibone: We've got a big dressing room, though.
- David St. Hubbins: What?
- Jeanine Pettibone: Got a big dressing room here.
- David St. Hubbins: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh, that's refreshing.
- Nigel Tufnel: Why don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean?
- Derek Smalls: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need!
- Nigel Tufnel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife!
- David St. Hubbins: She's not my wife.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate. We can't fucking do the track.
- [Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]
- Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
- Derek Smalls: Er, not really.
- Lt. Hookstratten: I would like to get the playing on about nineteen-hundred hours, if that's satisfactory.
- Derek Smalls: When would that be?
- Lt. Hookstratten: I make it now it's about eighteen-hundred and thirty hours.
- Derek Smalls: So that's what, 50 hours?
- David St. Hubbins: 120 hours?
- Lt. Hookstratten: That's actually 30 minutes. About a half-hour. Give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
- David St. Hubbins: Rock 'n roll! Rock and roll!
- Viv Savage: Let's get it! Let's get it!
- David St. Hubbins: This way?
- Derek Smalls: No this way.
- David St. Hubbins: I see, this way.
- Derek Smalls: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!
- Nigel Tufnel: Let's go!
- David St. Hubbins: [trying to find the stage, the band ends up at the same spot backstage] Fuck!
- Janitor: You must've made a wrong turn.
- Derek Smalls: We gotta go another way.
- David St. Hubbins: Other way. Other way.
- Derek Smalls: Other way. Other way.
- David St. Hubbins: [singing] You're sweet but you're just four feet, And you still got your baby teeth, You're too young and I'm too well hung, But tonight I'm gonna rock ya
- Derek Smalls: Tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah, tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
- Derek Smalls: Tonight I'm gonna rock ya!
- David St. Hubbins: Tonight! Oh, yeah!
- David St. Hubbins: We toured the world, we toured the States.
- Derek Smalls: We toured the world and elsewhere.
- Derek Smalls: [from DVD commentary, about Marty DiBergi] He doesn't look Italian, does he?
- Nigel Tufnel: I think his real last name is DiBergarmo.
- David St. Hubbins: No!
- Derek Smalls: No, his real last name is DiBergowitz.
- Nigel Tufnel: Yeah! DiBergowitz.
- David St. Hubbins: No! He's like one of those...
- Derek Smalls: Yeah, he is one of those. Check it out: DiBergowitz!