Christopher Guest credited as playing...
Nigel Tufnel
- Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
- Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
- Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
- Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
- Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
- Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
- Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
- Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
- Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
- Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.
- [Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
- Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
- Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
- Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
- Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
- Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
- Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
- Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
- [When asked what happened to their first drummer]
- David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
- Nigel Tufnel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.
- Nigel Tufnel: It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.
- David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...
- Nigel Tufnel: Clever.
- David St. Hubbins: Yeah, and clever.
- [last lines]
- Nigel Tufnel: [on what he would do if he couldn't be a rock star] Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind, or... or do, uh, freelance, uh, selling of some sort of, uh, product. You know...
- Marty DiBergi: A salesman?
- Nigel Tufnel: A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh, um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" And then you answer me.
- Marty DiBergi: Uh... seven and a quarter.
- Nigel Tufnel: "I think we have that." See, something like that I could do.
- Marty DiBergi: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...
- Nigel Tufnel: "No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
- Marty DiBergi: Do you think you'd be happy doing that?
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, I don't know - wh-wh-... what're the hours?
- [discussing Nigel's Guitar collection]
- Nigel Tufnel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
- Marty DiBergi: [points his finger] You've never played...?
- Nigel Tufnel: Don't touch it!
- Marty DiBergi: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well... don't point! It can't be played.
- Marty DiBergi: Don't point, okay. Can I look at it?
- Nigel Tufnel: No. no. That's it, you've seen enough of that one.
- Marty DiBergi: Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenus de Milo - "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
- Nigel Tufnel: That's... that's nitpicking, isn't it?
- Nigel Tufnel: [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniature bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...
- Ian Faith: You'd like bigger bread?
- Nigel Tufnel: Exactly. I don't under stand how...
- Ian Faith: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.
- Nigel Tufnel: [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...
- Ian Faith: No, not the bread.
- [folding the meat]
- Ian Faith: You could fold the meat...
- Nigel Tufnel: [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...
- Ian Faith: [putting the folded meat onto the miniature bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?
- Nigel Tufnel: [folding the miniature sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...
- Ian Faith: Why would you keep folding it?
- Nigel Tufnel: ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have
- [holds up miniature sandwich]
- Nigel Tufnel: ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...
- [puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]
- Nigel Tufnel: ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...
- Ian Faith: Because it hangs out like that?
- Nigel Tufnel: Look! would you be holding this?
- Ian Faith: No. I wouldn't want to eat...
- Nigel Tufnel: No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.
- [throws down miniature sandwich]
- Nigel Tufnel: And now we move onto this...
- [picks up an olive]
- Nigel Tufnel: Look, look; who's in here? No one.
- [picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]
- Nigel Tufnel: And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!
- Ian Faith: Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...
- Nigel Tufnel: Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.
- Ian Faith: I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.
- Nigel Tufnel: It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.
- Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
- David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
- Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.
- David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
- Nigel Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.
- Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
- Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...
- David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
- Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
- Derek Smalls: Just like that.
- David St. Hubbins: He just went up.
- Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
- David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...
- David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.
- Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
- David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.
- Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
- David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
- [Nigel, introducing the Stonehenge theme concert]
- Nigel Tufnel: In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
- [Marty compliments Nigel on his tee shirt]
- Nigel Tufnel: You like this?
- Marty DiBergi: It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.
- Nigel Tufnel: This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?
- Marty DiBergi: So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...
- Nigel Tufnel: Take them off. This is what you'd see.
- Marty DiBergi: It wouldn't be green though.
- [Nigel points at Marty]
- Nigel Tufnel: It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.
- Marty DiBergi: Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.
- Nigel Tufnel: Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes.
- David St. Hubbins: We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but...
- Nigel Tufnel: We don't literally say it.
- David St. Hubbins: No, we don't say it.
- Nigel Tufnel: We don't really, literally mean it.
- David St. Hubbins: No, we don't believe it either, but...
- Nigel Tufnel: But we're not racists.
- David St. Hubbins: But that message should be clear, anyway.
- Nigel Tufnel: We're anything but racists.
- [Nigel Tufnel is showing Marty DiBergi one of his favorite guitars]
- Nigel Tufnel: The sustain, listen to it.
- Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.
- Nigel Tufnel: [Showing Marty his Les Paul]
- [Imitating Vibrato]
- Nigel Tufnel: You can go have a bite and
- [vibrato]
- Nigel Tufnel: you'd still be hearing that.
- Terry Ladd: Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
- Derek Smalls: Ok.
- David St. Hubbins: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.
- Derek Smalls: We'll catch up with you on the road.
- Duke Fame: Cheers.
- David St. Hubbins: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!
- [as soon as they are out of earshot]
- David St. Hubbins: Fuckin' wanker.
- Nigel Tufnel: What a wanker.
- David St. Hubbins: What a wanker.
- Derek Smalls: Total no talent sod.
- Ian Faith: They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.
- Nigel Tufnel: Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...
- Ian Faith: Sex-IST!
- David St. Hubbins: IST!
- Marty DiBergi: You two were at school together?
- Nigel Tufnel: We're not university material.
- David St. Hubbins: What's that on your finger?
- Nigel Tufnel: It's my gum.
- David St. Hubbins: What are you doing with it on your finger?
- Nigel Tufnel: I might need it later.
- David St. Hubbins: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
- Nigel Tufnel: No, I might forget it on the table.
- David St. Hubbins: [to Marty] Fucking awful, you can't take him anywhere.