Anthony Michael Hall: Geek

Sixteen Candles

Geek

The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.
[Samantha chuckles]

The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.

The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw Caroline and him kissing] I'm dead.
[the car phone rings and he answers it]
The Geek: Hello?
Cliff: [voice] Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: [voice] Ted, we're dying, what happened?
The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
[hangs up]

The Geek: Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.
The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question. Am I turning you on?

The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.
Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?
The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.
Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.

Jake: I'll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.
Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.
Jake: I trust you...
The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The Geek: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The Geek: Positive.

The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile!

The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!
Jake: Then don't hit anything.
The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

The Geek: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.

Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?
The Geek: This is not my department.

Bryce: Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.
Bryce: [He sees Caroline passed out in the car] Ted, that's the prom queen. You got two girls in one night.
The Geek: I told you dudes I was hot.
Bryce: Hot? You're a legend!

Caroline: [after they wake up in the Rolls Royce] I never went out with a freshman. Not even when I was a freshman.
The Geek: Me either.
Caroline: You were pretty crazy.
The Geek: I was?
Caroline: Yeah. You know what I like best?
The Geek: My clean, close shave?
[Background music: The clean, close shave]
Caroline: No. Waking up in your arms.
The Geek: These things?
[They start kissing, then Jake shows up]

Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
Jake: I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.
[sighs]
Jake: I'm just not interested anymore.
The Geek: Does that really matter, guy?
Jake: Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
[Spits]
The Geek: That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.
Jake: Really?
The Geek: Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.