- Kate Beringer: Now I have another reason to hate Christmas.
- Billy Peltzer: What are you talking about?
- Kate Beringer: The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
- Kate Beringer: You say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you're a leper.
- Chinese Boy: Look Mister, there are some rules that you've got to follow.
- Billy Peltzer: Yeah, what kind of rules?
- Chinese Boy: First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it'll kill him. Second, don't give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.
- [last lines]
- Randall Peltzer: Well, that's the story. So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, 'cause you never can tell --there just might be a gremlin in your house.
- [at start of film, Mr. Peltzer is willing to pay $200 for Mogwai]
- Grandfather: I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale.
- Randall Peltzer: Why not? You said everything in your grandfather's store was for sale.
- Grandfather: With Mogwai, comes much responsibility. I cannot sell him at any price.
- [at end of film after tons of mayhem errupted and is being shown on the news]
- Grandfather: I warned you. With mogwai comes much responsibility. But you didn't listen.
- [gestures at television]
- Grandfather: And you see what happens.
- Randall Peltzer: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
- Grandfather: You do with mogwai what your society... has done with all of nature's gifts. You do not understand.
- [entire Peltzer family is speechless with guilt]
- Grandfather: You are not ready.
- [repeated line]
- Randall Peltzer: Rand Peltzer, Fantastic ideas for a Fantastic World, I make the illogical logical.
- Deputy Brent: Let me drive.
- Sheriff Frank: No, you're drunk.
- Deputy Brent: You always get to drive.
- Sheriff Frank: That's cause I'm the sheriff, asshole.
- Ruby Deagle: [DELETED SCENE: Mrs. Deagle enters the bank and shoves her way through a long line to Kate's teller-cage] I want this check deposited immediately. Also, I know everything about that little petition you've been sending around town.
- Kate Beringer: Mrs. Deagle, are you sure this is the time or the place for...?
- Ruby Deagle: Of course it is. I *always* mix business with pleasure. And it gives me *great* pleasure to inform you that said petition has failed. Moreover, as a direct result of your efforts, I'm foreclosing *your* home as well. I'm sure that really shocks you doesn't it? Good.
- Kate Beringer: On the contrary, Mrs. Deagle, it doesn't surprise me at all. Actually, it's just the sort of Christmas present I can see you giving.
- Ruby Deagle: I'll thank you not to be impertinent, young lady.
- Kate Beringer: And *I'll* thank YOU, in the name of the Holiday Season, to show an ounce of decency to these families you're ruining. Most of them can't afford to move, and even the ones who can really don't have anywhere to go. Isn't there anything at all I can say or do to change your mind about destroying all those good people?
- Ruby Deagle: [smiling wickedly] You've got three chances of making me reconsider this Hitox deal: none, less than none, and much less than none. Now, if you'll kindly deposit this check, I'll be on my way.
- Billy Peltzer: [Sickened by all of this, Billy produces a broom from underneath his own teller-cage. He passes it to the miserly lady] Merry Christmas, Mrs. Deagle.
- Ruby Deagle: What's this?
- Billy Peltzer: It's your Holiday present from me.
- Ruby Deagle: This crummy old broom? What am I supposed to do with it?
- Billy Peltzer: I thought you might need a ride home.
- [Mrs. Deagle gasps in outrage, as the other customers behind her chuckle. She whirls and glares at them, then whirls back and glares at Billy again]
- Billy Peltzer: We could have asked that you move to the back of the line and wait your turn like everyone else, but we didn't want to be rude...
- [He glances at the other, relatively-patient clientele; his tone becomes surreptitious]
- Billy Peltzer: ... or worse.
- Gerald: [rushing up with Mr. Corben close behind] What's going on here?
- [doesn't wait for an answer]
- Gerald: Shut up, Peltzer; I'm asking her, not you. Is there a problem, Mrs. Deagle?
- Ruby Deagle: This young man just asked that I *move to the back of the line and wait my turn like everybody else*! Oh, the VERY IDEA!
- Gerald: [Mr. Corben and Gerald both turn pale] Peltzer, how dare you! You're...!
- Mr. Corben: *Gerald*! This is official.
- Gerald: But *I* wanted to...!
- Mr. Corben: [sternly cutting him off] Gerald. I'm not going to tell you again.
- [turns back to Billy]
- Mr. Corben: Peltzer, how dare you! You're fired!
- Billy Peltzer: [removing his name tag] Thanks, Roland.
- Mr. Corben: [furious] *Roland*?
- Billy Peltzer: That's the best present you and Ger have ever given me.
- [drops the name tag on the floor, then spins on his heel and walks out cheerfully]
- Mr. Corben: ... Well, what are you standing around for? Pick that up!
- Gerald: [to Kate] You heard him. Pick it up. Now.
- [Instead, she removes her own name tag and drops it on the floor as well]
- Kate Beringer: Pick them up yourself, Ger. I quit.
- [walks out after Billy]
- Mr. Corben: ... You heard her, Hopkins. Pick those off the floor. Immediately.
- Gerald: *Me*? Since when do I get other people's dirty work?
- Mr. Corben: [cold and deadly] When nobody else is there to do the dirty work, as you call it, the JVP becomes JAL - that is, Just Another Lackey. Now start earning that salary I'm paying you, before I *really* blow my top and demonstrate just how rotten I *can* be. If you thought I was a schmuck with those other two...!
- [Very unwillingly, Gerald picks both name tags off the floor. Then he goes to assist the long line of customers - all by himself - while Corben strolls whistling back to his office]
- Grandfather: He has something he wants to say to you.
- Billy Peltzer: You mean you can understand what he says when he speaks?
- Grandfather: To understand, one has only to listen.
- Gerald Hopkins: If it isn't Captain Clip-On. Guess who almost signed for unemployment today?
- Billy Peltzer: I give up.
- Gerald Hopkins: You... But Mr. Corben had second thoughts. He gets so sentimental around the holidays.
- Billy Peltzer: Imagine that.
- Gerald Hopkins: If it was up to me, I would have fired you in a second.
- Billy Peltzer: Well, a Merry Christmas to you too.
- Kate Beringer: Will you sign this petition? They're trying to close Dorie's Tavern.
- Billy Peltzer: Sure. That's where my dad proposed to my mom, you know.
- Kate Beringer: That's where everyone's dad proposed to their mom.
- Sheriff Frank: Tell me something, Billy. How come a cute little guy like this can turn into a thousand ugly monsters?
- Billy Peltzer: Well, you see, this is before it enters the pupal stage.
- Deputy Brent: The pupal stage?
- Billy Peltzer: Yeah, right. Plus it multiplies with water.
- Deputy Brent: Aw, Christ.
- Sheriff Frank: Brent give the kid some water.
- Billy Peltzer: I wouldn't do that, Sheriff.
- Murray Futterman: [drunk, looking inside his car] Gremlins...
- Murray Futterman: [turning to Billy and Kate] You got-you gotta watch out for them forgeiners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery.
- [he climbs inside the car]
- Murray Futterman: It's the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.
- Kate Beringer: [laughing] The big one...
- Murray Futterman: [turning round] that's right! World war two.
- [he puts his hand to his head]
- Murray Futterman: Good old WWII.
- Murray Futterman: [Murray tries to start his car] Y'know their still shippin them over here. They put em in cars, they put em in yer tv. They put em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!
- Mr. Corben: What is that dog doing in here?
- Gerald Hopkins: Peltzer, this is a bank, not a pet-store.
- Mr. Corben: Very good, Gerald.
- Gerald Hopkins: Thank you, Mr. Corben.
- Ruby Deagle: I want your dog.
- Billy Peltzer: Barney?
- Ruby Deagle: Give him to me. I'll take him to the kennel, they'll put him to sleep. It will be quick and painless compared to what I would do to him.
- Billy Peltzer: What could you do?
- Ruby Deagle: I'll catch the beast myself. He'll get what he deserves, a slow painful death.Maybe I'll put him in my spin-drier on high heat.
- Mr. Anderson: That would do it all right!
- [Barney then jumps from the bank counter and smashes Mrs Deagle's snowman head and starts barking at her]
- Lynn Peltzer: [shocked to see eggs in Billy's basement] What are they?
- Billy Peltzer: They're the Mogwai... I guess.
- Lynn Peltzer: Did you give them water?
- Billy Peltzer: No.
- Lynn Peltzer: Did you feed them after midnight?
- Billy Peltzer: Well, I gave them some chicken
- [realises about his clock]
- Billy Peltzer: No, wait, I made sure
- [goes over to his clock and founds out that his clock has been ripped off it's cords]
- Billy Peltzer: Mom, what's going on here?
- Billy Peltzer: It's the creatures!
- Sheriff Frank: [angered] Ah, the creatures.
- Billy Peltzer: The creatures are making it look like an accident!
- Kate Beringer: What are they, Billy?
- Billy Peltzer: They're gremlins, Kate. Just like Mr. Futterman said.
- Grandfather: [leaving with Gizmo, to Billy] Perhaps some day, you will be ready. Until then, Mogwai waits.
- Ruby Deagle: [she hears singing outside her house] Christmas carolers. I hate Christmas carolers. Screechy-voiced little glue sniffers.
- [she goes to the door without noticing a Gremlin came in and comes out with a water pitcher]
- Ruby Deagle: I warned you brats!
- [she stops and sees the carolers are the Gremlins, Mrs. Deagle screams in fright and runs back in locking the door as the Gremlin tampers with her chair]
- Ruby Deagle: [crying in fear] Oh, what are they! WHAT ARE THEY!
- [she looks outside and screams in fright]
- Ruby Deagle: They're here! Oh, they've come for me! They've come...
- [she breathes uncontrollably and staggers to her chair]
- Ruby Deagle: I... I... I'm not ready! I'm not ready yet! I'm not READY!
- [she activates her chair which then zooms up with incredible speed]
- Ruby Deagle: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
- [she flies out the window and lands in the land to her death as the Gremlins laugh at this]
- Pete Fountaine: One, two, three, four, five new ones. NOW can I have one?
- Billy Peltzer: I don't know, Pete.
- Pete Fountaine: Hey, look! That one's got a cute little stripe on its head. Hey, cutie.
- [Pete attempts to pet the baby mogwai, who, in response, snarls and attempts to bite Pete]
- Ruby Deagle: Mrs Harris, what are you trying to tell me?
- Mrs. Joe Harris: I'm afraid none of us can pay for two weeks. Couldn't you just get Mr.Corben to just give us a little more time?
- Ruby Deagle: Mrs Harris, the bank and I have the same purpose in life - to make money. Not to support a lot of... deadbeats!
- Mrs. Joe Harris: Mrs Deagle! It's Christmas!
- Ruby Deagle: Well, now you know what to ask Santa for, don't you?
- Lynn Peltzer: [answers the phone] Yes? Billy! Are you okay? Where are you?
- Billy Peltzer: Mom, they've hatched. Get out of the house!
- Stripe: [sees a phone cord] Phone home... CACA!
- [he pulls the phone cord]
- Billy Peltzer: Mom? MOM!
- [first lines]
- Randall Peltzer: Friends, let me introduce myself. Peltzer's the name, Rand Peltzer. That's me on the corner. I'm an inventor. I have a story to tell. Yeah, I know. Who hasn't got a story? Well nobody's got a story like this one. Nobody. It all started here in Chinatown. I was hitting the shops, trying to move a little merchandise, maybe even find a present for my kid. I tried this one place.
- Deputy Brent: [DELETED SCENE: Less than a minute after the Gremlins sabotage Mrs. Deagle's stair-climber, thus sending the loathsome woman hurtling to her death, she is discovered by several of her neighbors... who briefly check the body. Finding no life signs, they call out -- up and down the street -- to more of her neighbors. They all come surging out of their houses; a dozen of them break down Mrs. Deagle's door and sweep inside. They rush back out again with furniture and fistfuls of money, passing both around to the happy mob. Joe Harris's widow and their kids hug and kiss each other, weeping with joy. As this crowd of Mrs. Deagle's former debtors rejoice over the fresh turn of events, Brent and Frank look on from across the street in their car] ... Aren't we going to do anything about this?
- Sheriff Frank: [scoffs] What's there to do, arrest them? On what charge?
- Deputy Brent: Looting Mrs. Deagle's house, of course!
- Sheriff Frank: Brent. First of all, how are two people gonna arrest over a hundred? Second of all, even if the jail was big enough to hold them all -- which it isn't -- name one person in this county who'd convict them for it, let alone twelve. Third of all, Judge McGarrett's name was on the list of properties to be foreclosed in her Hitox deal... as were yours and mine.
- Deputy Brent: Wow...! Touche.
- [Taking notice of some furniture being hauled from the house, he jumps out of the car and charges across the street]
- Deputy Brent: Hey! Excuse me... No, you're not in any trouble; that stuff's from my house...!
- [Frank shakes his head, smiling to himself, then calls out on the squad car's microphone]
- Sheriff Frank: [over the bullhorn] ... Long as you're there, Brent, why don't you see if her phone still works? And, if so, do us the honor of telling Hitox Chemicals to go to hell!
- [the whole crowd lets out a thunderous cheer]
- Billy Peltzer: I always thought everyone was happy during the holidays, no matter what.
- Kate Beringer: Most people are, but some aren't. While everybody else opens up presents, they're opening up their wrists.
- Randall Peltzer: [as the elderly man departs with Gizmo] ... Sir, I'd like to offer you this token of my esteem, whether or not it makes up for all the damage. This is the only one of its kind, but you're welcome to it.
- Grandfather: Ah, a smokeless ashtray! How kind of you; my thanks.
- Randall Peltzer: You... you've heard of this? How--?
- Grandfather: The attendant from your local gas station tried to sell me his. I'm sure it will come in handy.
- [deleted scene]
- Sheila Futterman: Murray, did you hear from the noodle factory?
- Murray Futterman: Sheila, the noodle factory is not going to reopen.
- Sheila Futterman: [looks at him] Ever?
- Murray Futterman: Mrs. Deagle closed it down for good.
- [Sheila goes shocked in pity]
- Murray Futterman: I guess that's the end of my career in noodles.
- Sheila Futterman: [smiles] There's more to life than macaroni.
- Rockin' Ricky Rialto: You're on with Rockin' Ricky! Go!
- Pete Fountaine: Hi Rockin' Ricky. My name's Pete. There's these little green guys with big teeth running around town wrecking things.
- Rockin' Ricky Rialto: Hey, kid, this is Christmas, not Halloween! Listen, gang, Rockin' Ricky's gettin' fed up with this Orson Welles crap! So, cool it, will you?
- Pete Fountaine: What'd you say this was called? A putrid stage?
- Roy Hanson: Pupal. Pupal stage.
- Pete Fountaine: Like a butterfly?
- Roy Hanson: Yeah, right. Right. This is a cocoon and inside he's going through changes. Lots of changes.
- Pete Fountaine: Like my mother?