Chevy Chase: Clark Griswold

National Lampoon's Vacation

Clark Griswold

Clark Griswald: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fuckin' fun park and you want to bail out! Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Hahaha. I gotta be crazy, I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Rusty Griswold: [grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin or somethin'?
Clark Griswald: ...DON'T TOUCH!

[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark Griswald: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark Griswald: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?

Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark Griswald: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

Clark Griswald: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark Griswald: Thank you very much.

[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're scaring me.
Clark: DON'T BE SCARED! I think that someone just owes us an explanation that's all!

Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in a neighborhood like this!
Clark Griswald: Oh I don't know, hun. This is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen Griswold: [sarcastic] That's good!
Clark Griswald: Uh... no that's bad. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gunshots are heard and a woman is heard screaming]
Clark Griswald: Roll 'em up!

[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark Griswald: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark Griswald: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark Griswald: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark Griswald: Oh my God...

Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark Griswald: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Clark Griswald: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark Griswald: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...

Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark Griswald: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark Griswald: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About $52,000.

Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark Griswald: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark Griswald: Metallic Pea?

Ellen Griswold: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark Griswald: What are you talking about?
Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark Griswald: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!