RD Robb credited as playing...
Schwartz
- Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
- Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
- Flick: You're full of it!
- Schwartz: Oh yeah?
- Flick: Yeah!
- Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
- Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
- Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
- [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
- Mother: No, he said...
- [whispers it close to the receiver]
- Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
- Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
- Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
- Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
- Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?
- [footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
- Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
- [Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone]
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
- Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
- Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
- Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.
- Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!
- [Ralphie and his friends are heading to the school]
- Flick: Do you know what I'm getting for my old man for Christmas?
- Schwartz, Ralphie: Yeah, what?
- Flick: A rose that squirts. People come to smell it, it squirts them.
- Schwartz: I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.
- Ralphie: A Flit gun?
- Schwartz: Yeah.
- [Scut Farkus roaring at them, hanging on the monkey bars. They began to screaming and running to school. Grover Dill stops them]
- Grover Dill: Stop right there.
- Ralphie: Who, me?
- Grover Dill: Yeah, you! Get over there!
- Ralphie: I can't now, Grover. I've... I've gotta go see Miss Shields.
- [They ran into school]
- Grover Dill: Hey, come here! Get back here!
- Scut Farkus: Yeah, you get back here! Come back here!
- [to Flick]
- Scut Farkus: You... come here.
- Flick: Who, me?
- Grover Dill: No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here!
- [Flick comes to them]
- Flick: Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.
- [Scut Farkus grabs his arms, he screams]
- Flick: UNCLE! UNCLE!
- [Scut Farkus scares Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz. But, he grabs Schwartz's arms]
- Scut Farkus: Say "Uncle"!
- Schwartz: Uncle!
- Scut Farkus: Uncle.
- Schwartz: Uncle!
- Scut Farkus: Louder!
- Schwartz: Uncle!
- Scut Farkus: LOUDER!
- Schwartz: Uncle!
- Scut Farkus: Louder!
- Schwartz: [screams] UNCLE!
- [Scut lets go of him]
- Scut Farkus: Crybaby.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims.
- Grover Dill: Alright, who's next?
- [roars, Ralphie, Randy, Flick and Schwartz screaming and running away. Scut Farkus and Grover Dill cackling]