Melinda Dillon credited as playing...
Mother Parker
- Mother: Are you ready to tell me?
- [Ralphie mumbles yes]
- Mother: Alright, where did you hear that word?
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
- Ralphie: Schwartz!
- Mother: Oh, I see.
- [Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
- Ralphie: [Ralphie mumbles and scream]
- Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
- [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
- Mother: No, he said...
- [whispers it close to the receiver]
- Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
- Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
- Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
- Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
- Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?
- [footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
- Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
- [Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone]
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
- The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
- Mother: Little pitchers!
- The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
- [the furnace conks out]
- The Old Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
- [he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
- The Old Man: Damn skates!
- [coughing]
- The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
- The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!
- [the Old Man reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
- The Old Man: Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!
- Mother: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.
- The Old Man: Huh? Oh, yeah.
- [nods in agreement]
- The Old Man: [Referring to Ralphie's pink bunny pajamas] He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
- Mother: [Disagreeing] He does not!
- The Old Man: [Still referring to the costume] He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
- The Old Man: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
- The Old Man: How the hell did you know that?
- Mother: Everybody knows that!
- The Old Man: [the Old Man's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.
- Mother: We're out of glue.
- The Old Man: You used up all the glue on purpose!
- The Old Man: Dadgummit! Blow out!
- [on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
- The Old Man: Aha!
- [excitedly gets out of the car]
- Mother: Not again.
- The Old Man: Four minutes. Time me.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
- Ralphie: [chuckles] I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
- Mother: BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.
- The Old Man: So what else happened today?
- Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?
- The Old Man: A fight? What kind of a fight?
- [Looks at Ralphie]
- Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
- [Looks at the newspaper]
- Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
- The Old Man: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
- Mother: [Playing Santa] And this is for Daddy...
- [Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
- Mother: Here, from me to you.
- The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
- The Old Man: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
- Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
- The Old Man: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
- Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.
- The Old Man: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
- Mother: What is it?
- The Old Man: It's a leg!
- Mother: But what is it?
- The Old Man: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
- Mother: Statue?
- The Old Man: Yeah, statue.
- Ralphie: Yeah, statue.
- Mother: Ralphie!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
- Ralphie as an Adult: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me.
- Mother: Come down, so I can see you better.
- Ralphie as an Adult: I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make easier in life at Warren G. Harding School a variatable Hell.
- Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go?
- [Randy oinks like a pig]
- Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat.
- [points to his plate, takes the spoon]
- Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat.
- [Randy plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs. she laughs as Ralphie and The Old Man look on with disgusted faces]
- Mother: [Happily] Mommy's little piggy!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Round One was over.
- [chuckling]
- Ralphie as an Adult: Parents one, kids zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.
- Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
- Ralphie as an Adult: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!
- Ralphie: I want an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
- [Realizing he's made a mistake]
- Ralphie: Ooohhh...
- Mother: No, shoot your eye out.
- Ralphie as an Adult: Oh, no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kiddom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.
- Mother: [She enters the kitchen, as she finishes dinner and hears crying] Randy? Hi What's the matter? What you crying for?
- Randy: [Crying] Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
- Mother: [Assuring him] No, he's not...
- Randy: [Still upset] Yes, he is too!
- Mother: [Assuring him] No, he's not! I promise you, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
- Mother: Why don't you come out of there?
- [Randy shakes his head no]
- Mother: No?
- Mother: Would you like some milk?
- [Randy nods yes]
- Mother: You would?
- [She pours a glass of milk and hands it to Randy]
- Mother: here you go, all right see you later? Okay, bye.
- [She closes the door as Randy cries]
- Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.
- Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?
- Ralphie: Mom!
- Mother: Hush!
- The Old Man: Shut up, Ralphie!