Alex Karras credited as playing...
'Squash' Bernstein
- 'Squash' Bernstein: In one fell swoop you've changed my whole life.
- King Marchand: It wasn't *that* kind of swoop.
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Listen, if a guy like you can have the guts to admit that he's gay,
- [pause]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: then so can I.
- [kisses King]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: You've made me very happy!
- King Marchand: [being pursued by an enraged Norma, who is foaming at the mouth. Squash gets out of bed] Look out!
- Norma: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- [throws a vase]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Now, Norma...
- Norma: NOBODY PUTS SOAP IN MY MOUTH, NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!
- [throws a flower pot]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: You're being very childish...
- Norma: I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA KILL YOU TOO, YOU BIG, MUSCLE-BOUND...
- [throws another flower pot]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Now, listen you have to learn to control yourself...
- Norma: OH! I'LL KILL...
- [grabs an ornamental spear and charges]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Oh, SHIT!
- Norma: THIS IS IT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU...
- [Squash runs into the bathroom with King just as Norma rams the door]
- Norma: LET ME IN THERE!
- King Marchand: You and your ideas! "Why don't you take her to Paris with you, Boss?"
- 'Squash' Bernstein: I just thought she'd help you relax!
- King Marchand: NEVER help me relax!
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Then send her home!
- King Marchand: Why don't you ever come up with a really good idea?
- 'Squash' Bernstein: For instance?
- King Marchand: YOU send her home!
- King Marchand: [working out at a gym] Hey, Squash...
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Yeah?
- King Marchand: Can I ask you a... personal question?
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Go ahead.
- King Marchand: How long, I mean... exactly when did you know you...
- 'Squash' Bernstein: How long have I been gay?
- King Marchand: Yeah.
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Oh, God, I can't remember when I wasn't!
- King Marchand: I've known you for fifteen years...
- 'Squash' Bernstein: You know a lot of guys, boss, you'd be surprised.
- King Marchand: But, you were all-American! I never saw a rougher, tougher, meaner, sonofabitch football player in all my life.
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Boss, if you didn't want the guys to call you queer, you became a rough tough sonofabitchin' football player.
- King Marchand: [suddenly colliding with a large man and his companion] Why don't you watch where you're going, huh?
- Large Man's Companion: [after translating to the Large Man in French] He says that it was your fault and suggests that you apologize.
- King Marchand: Oh, he does, does he?
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Come on, boss...
- King Marchand: No, no, no...
- [to Companion]
- King Marchand: Well, you tell him if he'd like an apology, he can just get him some gloves and I'll see him in the ring.
- Large Man's Companion: [translating] Just give him ten minutes. He will be delighted to oblige.
- [they walk off]
- King Marchand: "He'll be delighted to oblige." Who the hell does he think he is?
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Guy Langois, the French middleweight boxing champion.
- [King freezes]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: But don't worry!
- [whispers]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: He's gay.
- 'Squash' Bernstein: [covered with snow, to a man opening his hotel room door] Do you have heat?
- [the man nods]
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Oh, you're lucky!
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Apparently the mob doesn't find homosexuality to be an acceptable lifestyle...
- Toddy: Kill him, but mustn't kiss him.
- King Marchand: Stick around, I might want to play some golf.
- 'Squash' Bernstein: Boss, it's snowing outside!
- King Marchand: We'll use red balls.