Steve Martin credited as playing...
Rigby Reardon
- Rigby Reardon: I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I'd solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
- The Fat One Who Sweats a Lot: We know who you are, Mr. Rigby.
- Rigby Reardon: I'm interested. Who am I?
- The Fat One Who Sweats a Lot: You could be a guy who collects 10,000 dollars, just to leave this stinking town.
- Rigby Reardon: I could, could I?
- The Fat One Who Sweats a Lot: You know who I could be?
- Rigby Reardon: The Hunchback of Notre-Dame?
- The Fat One Who Sweats a Lot: I can be the guy who hands you them 10,000 dollars. 10,000 dollars, me to you, just like that.
- Rigby Reardon: Sorry, but my price for leaving stinking towns is 11,500 and a kiss on the lips from Carmen Miranda. Pass it on to *them*.
- Juliet Forrest: But what does "FOC" mean?
- Rigby Reardon: It's a slang word. It's when a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his...
- Juliet Forrest: No, no. It's written here: "F. O. C."
- Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] There's one thing I liked about Monica... the words "I can't" weren't in her vocabulary.
- Rigby Reardon: Monica, I want you to do something for me.
- Monica: I can't.
- Rigby Reardon: I guess she'd added them since the last time I'd seen her.
- Rigby Reardon: [on the phone] Mrs. Hastings?
- Leona: Yes?
- Rigby Reardon: My name's Reardon. Sorry to hear your father's passed on.
- Leona: No, he hasn't. He won't be back till Sunday.
- Rigby Reardon: Sunday? You don't understand, Mrs. Hastings. I'm investigating your father's death.
- Leona: Well, that's absurd! My father called me from Chicago tonight. He never mentioned a word!
- Rigby Reardon: Maybe it slipped his mind. Look, uh, your father is dead, Mrs. Hastings. Your sister Juliet feels his death wasn't an accident.
- Leona: What are you talking about? Why are you calling me like this? I had a long talk with him just a little while ago. He told me some terrible things about you.
- Rigby Reardon: Listen, you phony fruitcake!
- [pause]
- Rigby Reardon: Sorry I called you a fruitcake, Mrs. Hastings. It's just that I don't have time to listen to...
- Leona: [interrupting] All right, don't listen! Who cares?
- [She slams the phone down]
- Rigby Reardon: [to Juliet] Your sister has a lot to learn about phone courtesy.
- Rigby Reardon: All dames are alike: they reach down your throat so they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, and they step on 'em with their high heels, they spit on it, shove it in the oven and they cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and they serve it to you. And they expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it's delicious."
- Jimmie Sue's Father: Don't go near my daughter again. Don't try to see her. Don't write her and don't phone her.
- Rigby Reardon: Can I use her underwear to make soup?
- Rigby Reardon: When I arrived in Carlotta, I thought of the words Marlowe had said to me over fifteen years ago: Dead men don't wear plaid. Huh. Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
- Rigby Reardon: [drugged] Let's go out dancing! You put on your black dress, and I'll go shave my tongue.
- Rigby Reardon: If you want me to investigate your father's death, I get ten dollars a day - plus expenses.
- Juliet Forrest: Will two hundred dollars be enough in advance, Mr Reardon?
- Rigby Reardon: Two hundred, I'd shoot my grandmother.
- Juliet Forrest: That won't be neccessary.
- Rigby Reardon: Never can tell. In my last case, I had to throw my own brother out of an airplane.
- Juliet Forrest: Could I be your Reinemachefrau?
- Field Marshall Von Kluck: Ja, you could, you could be zat.
- Rigby Reardon: What's that? What is it?
- Juliet Forrest: Tell him what it means - Reinemachefrau.
- Field Marshall Von Kluck: Reinemachefrau! It means she could be my cleaning woman.
- Rigby Reardon: Get your sister Leona for me.
- Juliet Forrest: All right. I'm afraid she may not be very much help. She's very disturbed.
- Rigby Reardon: How disturbed?
- Juliet Forrest: She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.
- Rigby Reardon: I'll know after one word if she's faking.
- Leona: [attending the telephone] Hello?
- Rigby Reardon: [to Juliet] She's faking.
- Rigby Reardon: [voice-over while kisses Juliet] Her lips were warm, and my arm wasn't the only thing that was throbbing. Our hearts were, too. My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face... then slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed... marry her, and start the whoopee machine. My plan was working fine until...
- Rigby Reardon: Agh! You stuck your finger in my bullet hole!
- Rigby Reardon: [on the phone] Hi. It's me, Rigby. Sorry, Hot Legs, I've been busy. Look, you sashay over to your New York Times file and read me what's on page one, column six of the August 2nd issue... maybe I'll wine and dine you some night soon. I'll wait.
- Juliet Forrest: You'd wine and dine her for information?
- Rigby Reardon: Her? Him.
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it.
- Rigby Reardon: I beg your pardon. It's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out.
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitarian organization who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster.
- Rigby Reardon: But when your father finally saw what they were doing, he...
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: He started to assemble lists of our agents...
- Rigby Reardon: And seemed about to go to the FBI...
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: So we were obliged to kidnap him, drug him and bring him...
- Rigby Reardon: Here! First faking his death so there'd be no investigation...
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby...
- Rigby Reardon: The cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve...
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our...
- Field Marshal Von Kluck, Rigby Reardon: Friends systematically began to eliminate everyone who was on that cruise ship!
- Field Marshal Von Kluck: Schweinhund!
- Rigby Reardon: Jerk!
- Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Are you wearing pajamas? Señor, , I'll help you take them off.
- Rigby Reardon: I don't need help with my pajamas!
- Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Stop! Now.
- Rigby Reardon: See? Carlos!
- Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Don't worry about your pajamas, Señor. I'll take care of them. Out of the way! We're chasing a killer! Everybody, stand back! He's with me. Coming through!
- [mumbling with pajamas in his mouth]
- Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Coming through. Coming through. Señor, cuidado, Señor, cuidado. Stand back! Cuidado. Señor, your pajamas!
- Rigby Reardon: Forget the pajamas!
- [gun shot]
- Rigby Reardon: [Carlos groaning] Are you all right, Carlos?
- Captain Carlos Rodriguez: It's all right. It's just a bullet. My wife Carmelita will suck it out. Go ahead, Señor And don't worry about your pajamas. I'll take care of them!
- Rigby Reardon: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.
- Rigby Reardon: [dressed as an old lady] The guard looks suspicious. Act like I'm your ma.
- Captain Jarrett: Sure.
- Rigby Reardon: Pretend I'm crying. You comfort me.
- Captain Jarrett: Relax, Ma.
- Rigby Reardon: Say something like, uh, "No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me."
- Captain Jarrett: No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me.
- Rigby Reardon: That was good. Real good.
- [at Juliet's house after Rigby has been shot the first time]
- Butler: Yes?
- Rigby Reardon: I'd like to see Ms. Forrest.
- Butler: Who shall I say is calling?
- Rigby Reardon: Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot.
- Butler: Very good, sir. May I tell her by whom?
- Rigby Reardon: No, I don't know myself.
- Butler: Are you all right? You look as though you're going to faint.
- Rigby Reardon: Faint? Never... Catch me.
- [Rigby Reardon falls on the floor, fainting]
- Butler: Sorry, I'm a Butler, not a catcher.