The Secret Policeman's Ball (1979 TV Movie)

Rowan Atkinson: Various Roles

Quotes 

• Schoolmaster : All right, quiet. Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth-Beast Major. Ellsworth-Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Havenut. Haemoglobin. Jones M. Jones N. Kosygin. Loudhailer. Mattock. Nancyboy-Potter. Nibble.

  [laughter] 

  Schoolmaster : I have a detention book. Orifice. Plectrum. Poise. Sediment. Soda. Taah. Taah? Under-Manager. Wicket. Williams-Wicket. Williams-Witcherley. Witcherley-Wicket. Witcherley-Williams. And Witcherley-Williams. Wocket. Zob. Hmmm, absent. All right, your essays. "Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck". Oxford and Cambridge O-Level examination, 1976. The answer; yes. Don't fidget, Bland. Nancyboy-Potter and Wicket, see me afterwards. Most of you of course, didn't write nearly enough. Dint, your answer was unreadable. Put it away, Plectrum. If I see it once more this period, I shall tweak you. Is your father a solicitor, boy ? You're lying Plectrum, so see me afterwards to be tweaked anyway. Yes, isn't life tragic? Oh don't snivel, boy, for God's sake. Has Matron seen those boils? Havenut, Jones M. and Sediment, cribbing. Under-Manager, answer upside-down. Do you do it deliberately, boy ? You're a blemish, Under-Manager. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity. Don't snigger, Babcock! It's not funny. Anthony and Cleopatra is not a funny play. If Shakespeare had meant Anthony and Cleopatra to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Anthony and Cleopatra. You would know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Babcock? Pest! Which of Shakespeare's plays does have a joke in it? Anyone? The Comedy of Errors, for God's sake! The Comedy of Errors has the joke of two people looking like each other. Twice. It's not that funny, German. And the other Shakespearian joke is, Nibble? NIBBLE! Leave Orifice alone! What a lot! All right, for the rest of this period, you will write about Enobarbus. Under-Manager, just try and write, "Enobarbus". Either way up, boy, I'm not bothered. Usual rules; no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib if possible. Kosygin, you're in charge.