Ted Knight credited as playing...
Judge Elihu Smails
- Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
- Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
- Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
- [Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
- Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?
- Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.
- Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
- [Smails and Ty start to laugh]
- Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.
- Al Czervik: Hey, great!
- Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
- Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips. I want...
- [gets cut off by Judge Smails, who grabs him by the arms and yanks him to their table]
- Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!
- Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
- Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
- Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
- Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
- Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.
- Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
- Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!
- Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
- Bishop: You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how many drinks he's had already, right?
- Judge Smails: Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
- Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks! My name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
- Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
- Bishop: There is no God...
- Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
- Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
- Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.
- Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
- [pauses a beat]
- Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
- [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
- Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
- [Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
- Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!
- Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
- Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
- Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
- [the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
- Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
- Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!
- Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?
- Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.
- [Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey]
- Danny Noonan: Judge Smails, sir?
- Judge Smails: [not realizing Danny's already seated] Sit down, Danny.
- [turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces]
- Judge Smails: Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...
- [angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down]
- Judge Smails: Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
- Danny Noonan: I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
- Judge Smails: [relief sigh] Good. Good, good.
- [stands up]
- Judge Smails: You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.
- [pats Danny on his shoulder]
- Judge Smails: Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?
- Danny Noonan: I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.
- Judge Smails: Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?
- Danny Noonan: [shakes Smails' hand] Yes, sir. I'm your pal.
- Judge Smails: [chuckles] How 'bout a Fresca?
- Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
- Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
- Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
- Ty Webb: By height.
- Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
- Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
- Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
- Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
- Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
- Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.
- Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.
- Judge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
- [chuckles several times]
- Judge Smails: Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.
- Judge Smails: McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
- Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.
- Judge Smails: Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.
- Spalding Smails: Turds.
- Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
- Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
- Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
- Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
- Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
- Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
- Spalding Smails: Double turds.
- Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!