Terry Jones credited as playing...
Mandy Cohen • Colin • Simon the Holy Man • Bob Hoskins • Saintly Passer-by • Alarmed Crucifixion Assistant
- Pontius Pilate: [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
- [Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
- Pontius Pilate: Wome... is your fwiend!
- [They laugh more]
- Pontius Pilate: To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
- Man in crowd: Welease Woger!
- [Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
- Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
- [Everybody laughs]
- Centurion: Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
- Pontius Pilate: Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
- [They all laugh]
- Man in crowd: Well what about "Wodewick" then?
- [They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
- Pontius Pilate: Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
- [the crowd laughs some more]
- Centurion: Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
- Pontius Pilate: Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
- Man in crowd: He's a wobber!
- [they laugh]
- Man in crowd: And a wapist!
- [more laughter]
- Girl In Crowd: And a pick-pocket!
- [Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
- Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
- [first lines]
- Wise Man #1: Ahem!
- Brian's mother: Oh!
- [falls over in chair]
- Brian's mother: Who are you?
- Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: What?
- Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
- Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
- Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
- Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
- Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
- Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
- Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
- Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
- Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
- Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
- Brian: I wasn't!
- Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
- The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
- Brian's mother: The who?
- The Crowd: The Messiah!
- Brian's mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
- [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
- Brian: They must have just popped by!
- Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!
- [Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
- Brian's mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
- [Three wise men leave]
- Brian's mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
- Follower: Excuse me, are you a virgin?
- Brian's mother: I beg your pardon?
- Follower: Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?
- Brian's mother: If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
- [shuts the windows]
- Follower: She is.
- [the crowd nods in agreement]
- Brian's mother: Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.
- Brian: Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?
- Brian's mother: It's written, that's why.
- Beard vendor: Pssst! Beard, madam?
- Brian: Now Hear this ! Blessed are they..
- Brian: ..Who convert their neighbours asses
- Brian: For they shall inhibit their girth
- Centurion: Rubbish
- Brian: And to them only shall be given
- Brian: to them only..
- Brian: shall be given...
- Girl In Crowd: what ?
- Brian: um ?
- Girl In Crowd: shall be given what ?
- Brian: Oh nothing.
- Girl In Crowd: what were you going to say ?
- Brian: Nothing.
- Girl In Crowd: yes, you were going to say something ?
- Brian: No, I finished.
- Girl In Crowd: Oh no
- Man in crowd: Tell us before you go
- Brian: I am finished.
- Man in crowd: Why wont he tell ? A secret, is it ?
- Brian: No
- Man in crowd: Must be otherwise he'd tell us.
- Brian: Leave me alone.
- Brian's mother: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
- Brian: I never thought he was.
- Brian's mother: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.
- Brian: You mean you were raped?
- Brian's mother: Well, at first, yes.
- Brian's mother: [Brian hasn't mentioned it at all] Sex, sex, sex, that's all these kids talk about!
- [kneels]