Graham Chapman credited as playing...
Wise Man #2 • Brian Cohen • Biggus Dickus
- Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
- The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
- Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
- The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
- Brian: You're all different!
- The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
- Man in crowd: I'm not...
- The Crowd: Sch!
- Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
- Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
- Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
- Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
- Brian: Now, FUCK OFF!
- [silence]
- Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
- Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
- Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
- Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
- Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
- Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
- [the Centurion laughs]
- Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
- Centurion: Well, no, sir.
- Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
- Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
- Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
- Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
- Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
- [guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
- Brian: Can I go now, sir?
- [slap]
- Brian: Aaah! Eh.
- Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
- [guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
- Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only...
- Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
- Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
- [takes the guard away as continues laughing hysterically]
- Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
- [another guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
- [more chuckling]
- Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
- [chuckle]
- Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
- [both guards chuckle]
- Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
- Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
- Pontius Pilate: [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
- Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
- Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"?
- Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
- Brian: Well, what happened?
- Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.
- Brian: Cured?
- Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
- Brian: Who cured you?
- Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
- [first lines]
- Wise Man #1: Ahem!
- Brian's mother: Oh!
- [falls over in chair]
- Brian's mother: Who are you?
- Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: What?
- Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
- Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
- Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
- Centurion: I have an order for his release!
- Brian: You stupid bastards!
- Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Brian: What?
- Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Centurion: Take him down!
- Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!
- Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!
- Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!
- Brian: I'm Brian!
- Victims: I'm Brian!
- Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
- Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
- Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.
- Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
- [under the cover of darkness, Brian sneaks up to a statue and starts painting Latin grafitti on the plinth of a statue; he is caught in the act by a centurion who gives him a Latin grammar lesson]
- Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes Eunt Domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?
- Brian: It says "Romans, Go Home".
- Centurion: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!
- Brian: "Romanus".
- Centurion: Goes like?
- Brian: "Annus"?
- Centurion: Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- Brian: "Anni"?
- Centurion: "Romani".
- [the centurion corrects the first line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: "Eunt". What is "eunt"?
- Brian: "Go".
- Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
- Brian: "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt".
- Centurion: So "eunt" is?
- Brian: Third person plural present indicative. "They go".
- Centurion: But "Romans, go home" is an *order*, so you must use the...?
- Brian: The imperative!
- Centurion: Which is?
- Brian: Um, oh, oh, "i".
- Centurion: How many Romans?
- Brian: Plural. "Ite".
- Centurion: "Ite".
- [the centurion corrects the second line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
- Brian: Dative!
- [the centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's neck]
- Brian: No, not dative! Accusative! Accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".
- Centurion: Except that "domus" takes the...
- Brian: The locative, sir.
- Centurion: Which is?
- Brian: "Domum".
- Centurion: "Domum".
- [the centurion corrects the last line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: Understand?
- Brian: Yes, sir.
- Centurion: Now write it out a hundred times.
- Brian: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
- Centurion: Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
- Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
- Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
- Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
- Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
- Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
- Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
- Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
- Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
- Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
- Brian: I wasn't!
- Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
- Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
- Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
- Brian: What?
- Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
- Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!
- [I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis]
- Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
- Brian: What will they do to me?
- Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
- Brian: CRUCIFIXION?
- Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.
- Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
- Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
- [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
- Brian: They must have just popped by!
- Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!