- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
- [Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]
- [Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau and invited him to it with a phone call]
- Simone Le Gree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
- Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
- Cato: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.
- Cato: Please, boss! I thought you were dead!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: So as a tribute to my memory, you open this - this Chinese nookie factory?
- Cato: I had to do something to keep busy. Besides, a first-rate joint like this can make as much as three-four hundred thousand a year!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Is that net?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!
- Cato: What good will that do?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!
- [about Clouseau]
- Police Commissioner: You knew him intimately.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I hated him intimately!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?
- Simone Le Gree: Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Elementary. He wanted you dead.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Special delivery - a bomb
- [pronounced "beumb"]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Were you expecting one? A beaum?
- [Inspector Clouseau, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, explains why he can't give a tip to the postman]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I'm a little short.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You have the right to remain silent, but let me tell you this, I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite.
- Simone Legree: [palm reading Scallini's hand] You see this. You see this. I can tell by you're heart line that you're a very passionate man. Do you see how long this is?
- Julio Scallini: Keep watching: it's gonna get longer.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes?
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.
- Cato: That's normal.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.
- [Clouseau is disguised as a salty Swedish sea dog and finds out about Le Club Foot from French informant Fernet. He starts walking away, singing a well-known pirate song wrong]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ooohhh, sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hooooooooooooooooooooo!
- [dressed as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and singing]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Thank heaven for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [after Dreyfus faints when seeing Clouseau] Now I know why this place looks so familiar.
- Simone Legree: Why?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.
- Guy Algo: Man, New York knows even better than the President of France. A man with which our entire world organization is familiar, and would like nothing better than to see him out of the way.
- Man: Who?
- Guy Algo: Who has given us nothing but trouble for the past ten years? Who has survived sixteen assassination attempts, including two by his own boss? Clouseau. You want to impress New York. Eliminate Clouseau.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?
- Simone Legree: Killers.
- Simone Legree: But I saw your funeral on TV!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, even the Poop was there, you know?
- Sgt. François Chevalier: Why don't you get out of those wet clothes? You could catch pneumonia.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I know that. I know that. I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack me first.
- Sgt. François Chevalier: Why don't you just tell him not to?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Believe me, it's not that easy. I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me. I guarantee that at this very minute, his fiendish little yellow brain is plotting some new ambush.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [after his car literally breaks down] Cato, I very much suspect that the Hornet is overdue for a service, so if you don't mind, I'll use your car tonight.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Doctor, please, you must help me. Is Clouseau real, or am I going mad again?
- Dr. Paul Laprone: What do you think?
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: What do I think? What can I think? If that nincompoop is really alive and the things I heard are true, he'll probably be decorated again for rounding up the biggest drug ring in France, and I'll be a-a laughingstock.
- Dr. Paul Laprone: That sounds reasonable. What are you going to do?
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: What choice do I have? I either commit myself and come back to be locked up in here...
- [a thought strikes him]
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Or... I go to Hong Kong.
- Julio Scallini: That's a nice hand.
- Simone Legree: Oh, thank you. That's only the right one.
- Julio Scallini: You type, too.
- Simone Legree: A hundred words a minute.
- Julio Scallini: I may faint.
- Simone Legree: [laughing] Mr. Douvier has asked me to apolgize. He's going to be a little late. If you'd like, I'd be happy to keep you company until he arrives.
- Julio Scallini: If I like? Does my mother cook spaghetti?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You keep talking about this Douvier.
- Simone Legree: Mm-hmm.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But Philippe, who is... who is-who is Philippe?
- Simone Legree: Philippe Douvier.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: His son?
- Simone Legree: Whose son?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Douvier.
- Simone Legree: He has no son.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: His brother, then?
- Simone Legree: His brother's name is Fred.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Then it has to be his father.
- Simone Legree: His father's dead.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. Then who killed him?
- Simone Legree: No one. He died of natural causes.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Then who is this Philippe?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It's only an old salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas, you know.
- Man at Pier: Hello, Inspector.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: CHIEF Inspector!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Fortunately, Professor Balls took refuge behind a new shipment of inflatable goiters, which cushioned the force of the explosion.
- Police Commissioner: Inflatable goiters?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, his Valentine's Day collection.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [in drag] You know me. I'm Chief Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté!
- Officer Bardot: And I am Officer Bardot.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Bardot?
- Officer Bardot: But you can call me Brigitte.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Brigitte! Please don't, Brigitte. You're making an understandable mistake. Don't let my legs fool you. I'm really a man.
- Claude Russo: If you don't want to freeze to death, you'd better put on the dress.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Never!
- Claude Russo: Suit yourself. But the dress is an original Dior, and you've got sensational legs.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: The old "pull off the road" ploy, huh?
- Claude Russo: Yes, and then we will see how you do with the old "take off all your clothes" ploy.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Madam, I demand to know exactly what is going on in here.
- Mrs. Wu: Well, just about anything your little heart desires. But first, why don't you relax? Give Benson your hat and your coat, have a drink, get to know the girls, and then, when you are up to it, you can choose from a wide variety of exciting little diversions.
- Philippe Douvier: We have to stop seeing each other.
- Simone Legree: Your wife?
- Philippe Douvier: Mmm-hmm.
- Simone Legree: That witch. Okay, how long this time?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I warn you, Tanya, the Easter Lotus, I am opposed to the women's libs. Man is the master, and women's place is in the home.
- Mrs. Wu: Allow me to introduce Tanya, the Lotus Eater.
- [Tanya dressed in leather, holding a whip]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What else does she do?
- Mrs. Wu: [hearing Tanya whipping Clouseau in the dominatrix room] And another round-eye bites the dust.
- Cato: A smart operator can clear himself a couple of hundred grand - and that ain't exactly chicken feed.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No. No - and 10 years on Devil's Island ain't exactly the chicken's feet either, my greedy, little yellow pimp.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Listen, when you have been killed as many times as I have, you get used to it, believe me.
- Simone Legree: It's not gonna do you much good if you don't take your pants off.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What?
- Simone Legree: You gotta take your pants off.
- Simone Legree: How many people do you think know that Douvier, the millionaire businessman, is also Douvier, the French Connection? How many?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Well, I suppose his mother, for one.
- Simone Legree: But if you're not dead, who's dead?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: A wandering transvestite took my car and stole my clothes at gunpoint. I have been working under the covers tracking the killer.
- Dr. Auguste Balls: Now, how can I serve you?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Well, I...
- Dr. Auguste Balls: Through wind and mud, snow and hail, whether long or short, dark or pale, remember that when duty calls, you've got Balls.
- Simone Legree: I gotta sit down.
- Simone Legree: Not me. Not me. I am not going to Hong Kong. Are you kidding me? Douvier would shoot me on sight.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Not if he doesn't recognize you and he won't.
- Simone Legree: Why not?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: We will leave that up to the great Balls.
- Simone Legree: The great - balls?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: My goodness, you look *ravishing* tonight.
- Simone Legree: Oh, yes, I know that.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You know that?
- Simone Legree: Oh, yes, I know that.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I knew that you knew that. Yes.
- Simone Legree: You did? I knew you knew I knew that.
- Philippe Douvier: Simone! What the hell are you doing here?
- Simone Legree: I'm waiting for the firecrackers to go off.
- Philippe Douvier: What firecrackers?
- Simone Legree: The ones I just stuck in your pants.
- Philippe Douvier: [bang!] Woah!
- Simone Legree: What made you decide to become a detective?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Well, it's not something one decides every day of the week, you know. But in my case, it began when my great-aunt was kidnapped and held for ransom by an unlicensed Armenian phrenologist.