- Buford T. Justice: [to his son] There's no way, *no* way, that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo' momma in da mouth!
- Buford T. Justice: [shouting at a trucker that has sheared a door off his patrol car] I saw that, you sumbitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!
- Buford T. Justice: [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
- Junior: But, Daddy...
- Buford T. Justice: Put the *evidence* in the *car*!
- [shouting to trucker again]
- Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbecue yo' ass in molasses!
- Buford T. Justice: [driving through wind] Hold my hat for me!
- [Junior obliges, but loses his own hat]
- Junior: My hat blew off, Daddy.
- Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it!
- Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
- Buford T. Justice: The goddamn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
- Junior: What did he say?
- Buford T. Justice: SHUT UP! ONE SHIT AT A TIME!
- Junior: All right.
- Buford T. Justice: Give me a Diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a goddamn hurry.
- Bandit: For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.
- Buford T. Justice: This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
- Buford T. Justice: [shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something?
- Junior: Hushpuppies, Daddy!
- Buford T. Justice: We got no time for that crap!
- [mutters under his breath]
- Buford T. Justice: Dumb sumbitch...
- Bandit: New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.
- [watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]
- Bandit: Speedy car.
- [watches as Little Enos counts out more money]
- Bandit: Speedier than that.
- Little Enos: [mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.
- Junior: [waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
- Buford T. Justice: If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
- Bandit: [walks up the steps to Cledus' house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful.
- [she stares at him with a stern look on her face]
- Bandit: How about 'Gorgeous?'
- Waynette Snow: You can't have him.
- Bandit: Well, obviously, *you* can.
- [indicates the gaggle of kids]
- Bandit: What are you tryin' to do, start another race?
- [pushes past her and into the house]
- Waynette Snow: Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone!
- One of the Snow kids: [climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit!
- Waynette Snow: He ain't your damned uncle!
- [steps on the dog, who whimpers]
- Waynette Snow: One of you damned kids get this dog out of here!
- [Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cledus is sleeping]
- Waynette Snow: Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!*
- Bandit: [stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
- Buford T. Justice: Breaker, breaker for the Bandit.
- Bandit: Come on back, breaker.
- Buford T. Justice: Bandit, I got a smokey report for you. Come on!
- Bandit: Well, talk to me, good buddy.
- Buford T. Justice: You got trouble comin'...
- Bandit: Well what's your handle, son, and what's your 20?
- Buford T. Justice: My handle's Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin yo' ass right now!
- [Communicating through the C.B. radio]
- Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
- Buford T. Justice: Who there?
- Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'.
- Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sumbitch?
- Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon-dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
- Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SUMBITCH?
- Bandit: Well, I'm right down at the bottom of the hill, Sheriff. I'm about 6-foot-8, in a cowboy outfit, got a little pygmy standing right beside me dressed just like me. You can't miss me. 10-4.
- [Buford looks down the hill]
- Bandit: You know what? Scratch that. I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good a man. Look over your left shoulder.
- [Buford turns, and sees the Bandit]
- Bandit: We're on our way to Boston to pick up some clam chowder. Bye-bye!
- Carrie: No hard feelings, Junior!
- [the Bandit drives off, but Buford follows on his wreck of a car]
- Buford T. Justice: I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up! I'm never gonna give up! I'm never gonna give up! I'll get you, you sumbitch!
- Junior: [running after the car] Daddy, wait for me! Don't leave me! Who's gonna hold your hat?
- Buford T. Justice: Hey boy, where's Sheriff Branford?
- Sheriff Branford: I am Sheriff Branford.
- Buford T. Justice: Oooh, hee-hee. For some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio, hee-hee.
- Buford T. Justice: [to Junior] What the hell is the world coming to?
- Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Bandit? This is Mr B., and I'm gearjammin' this rollin' refinery, you got another smokey on the rubber?
- Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek.
- Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
- Bandit: Cledus, get the money.
- Cledus Snow: Yeah, how 'bout the money?
- Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'?
- Cledus Snow: How 'bout forgettin' it?
- Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?
- Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.
- Carrie: You're on.
- Bandit: Uh, you're on.
- Big Enos: In 18 hours?
- Bandit: You're still on.
- Cledus Snow: WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!
- Bandit: [Bandit and Frog walking through the wooded area] When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are.
- Carrie: Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.
- Bandit: And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.
- Little Enos: I think you're just a little bit scared.
- Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
- Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...
- Cledus Snow: [over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a
- [pause]
- Cledus Snow: *wedding dress*?
- Bandit: [Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was.
- Cledus Snow: What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind!
- [laughs earthily]
- Cledus Snow: 10-4.
- Cledus Snow: [whistles]
- [hears a police motorcycle siren]
- Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this!
- Cledus Snow: [siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!
- Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!
- Cledus Snow: Hey, Bandit. Me an' Fred's got a question.
- Bandit: What you an' Fred want?
- Cledus Snow: How come we doin' this?
- Bandit: Well, why not?
- Cledus Snow: Well, they said it couldn't be done.
- Bandit: Well thats the reason, son!
- Cledus Snow: [shrugs] That's good with Fred. We're clear.
- Bandit: [laughing] 10-4!
- Policeman: Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock.
- Buford T. Justice: You sumbitches couldn't close an umbrella!
- [the Bandit has a fleet of police cars and helicopters after him]
- Bandit: [on CB radio] Cledus?
- Cledus Snow: Talk to me, m'boy!
- Bandit: Goddamn it, son, we gave it our best shot. I don't like it any more than you do, but... we ain't gonna make it, son. We're gonna hang it up.
- Cledus Snow: WHOA! Negatory, negatory, what're you, crazy or something? We come this far, ain't we? LOOK, WHEN WE SAY WE GONNA DO A JOB, WE GONNA DO A JOB!
- Bandit: It's me they after! They don't even know Cledus Snow exists!
- Cledus Snow: Oh, they don't? Well, I tell you what we gonna do! We just gonna introduce 'em to the boy. So move over a bit, good buddy, 'cause the Snowman is coming through!
- [to his dog]
- Cledus Snow: Hold on to your ass, Fred!
- Buford T. Justice: And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
- [begins to turn away, then returns]
- Buford T. Justice: Oh, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!
- Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.
- Junior: Except for that...
- Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.
- Branford's Deputy: You know something, Sheriff?
- Sheriff Branford: What?
- Branford's Deputy: If J.W. don't get outta my way, I'm gonna pass him.
- Sheriff Branford: Where in the woods? Listen, I don't care if your dad is the mayor, you wreck this car; it's comin out of your pay.
- Branford's Deputy: Yeah, but Sheriff, he's getting away.
- Sheriff Branford: Son, he's not going anywhere. The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past 6 months.
- Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, 8 1/2 days. God, I really thought that was it.
- Bandit: And?
- Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
- Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
- Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in 28 hours? That ain't never been done before, not in no rig.
- Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it in no rig. You got to stop thinkin so negative son, we ain't not never made it yet, have we?
- Cledus Snow: Well, no...
- Bandit: Well, all right.
- [hops up into trailer]
- Cledus Snow: Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made.
- Bandit: [Hands Cledus notepad and pen] I got that all figured out. Just tell'em to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
- [Gets in car and drives off]
- Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; Burdette; B, Ber, B-u-r...
- [sees Bandit take off]
- Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go!
- [leaves without finishing note]
- Buford T. Justice: Apprehend that horse ass for reckless driving!
- Junior: But, Daddy...
- Buford T. Justice: Do what I tell you, you pile of monkey nuts!
- Little Beaver, Lady Truck Driver: Hey Bandit! This is Little Beaver... Put your foot on the floor, we got your backdoor and I'm clear!
- Big Enos: Any fool who would paint his truck like this would show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
- [Regarding The Bandit in a hammock]
- Big Enos: You see, son, old legends never die. They just lose weight.
- Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy.
- Cledus Snow: [Buford's car runs in front of Cledus' truck]
- [to Bandit over the CB]
- Cledus Snow: Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy sumbitch just tried to drive right up under my truck!
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