- Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!
- Janet Wood Dawson: Good times!
- Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!
- Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
- Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.
- [Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]
- Helen Roper: Now, you should say you're sorry.
- Stanley Roper: All right, all right. Listen kids, I'm really very sorry.
- Helen Roper: And you'll never do it again.
- Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.
- Helen Roper: And you'll take fifty dollars off this month's rent.
- Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.
- Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove
- Stanley Roper: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have, it works just fine.
- Mrs. Roper: Well, I better not break up the set.
- Stanley Roper: What set?
- Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up!
- Stanley Roper: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.
- Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.
- Stanley Roper: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.
- Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
- Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!
- Jack Tripper: That's therapist.
- Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.
- Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?
- Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.
- Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
- Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.
- Stanley Roper: I want my rent!
- Helen Roper: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.
- Stanley Roper: Hello, I want my rent!
- Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?
- Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
- Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
- Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.
- Jack Tripper: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!
- Chrissy: You rotten rat!
- Jack Tripper: [bewildered] Rotten rat? Janet, why did she call me a rat?
- Janet Wood Dawson: Because you're a pig!
- Stanley Roper: What's the cake for?
- Helen Roper: We're celebrating.
- Stanley Roper: Celebrating what?
- Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.
- Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
- Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
- Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.
- Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
- Jack Tripper: Aww.
- Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas!
- Stanley Roper: [after the kids make a lot door slamming noises, Mr. Roper knocks on the door]
- Chrissy: [opens the door]
- Stanley Roper: I just want to tell you that it's three o'clock in the morning!...
- [is about to complain further]
- Chrissy: Thank you!
- [closes door]
- [about lying to his boss about having a wife]
- Jack Tripper: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.
- Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!
- Helen Roper: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!
- Stanley Roper: What for?
- Helen Roper: Because your toothache is giving me a pain.
- Stanley Roper: Then you go see the dentist.
- Helen Roper: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.
- Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
- Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.
- Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
- Jack Tripper: *Of course*, pumpkin.
- Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.
- Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me!
- Terri: I just felt sorry for you!
- Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
- Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.
- Stanley Roper: Not in my building!
- Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic.
- Stanley Roper: I don't care what it - What does that mean?
- Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.
- Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!
- Janet Wood Dawson: Yeah!
- Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!
- Jack Tripper: Is something burning?
- Janet Wood Dawson: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.
- Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.
- Cindy Snow: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!
- Jack Tripper: You'll do that on your wedding night.
- Larry: What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you?
- [he breaks down crying]
- Jack Tripper: Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away.
- Larry: You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!
- Stanley Roper: Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!
- Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.
- Stanley Roper: What if the towel slips?
- Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.
- Chrissy: Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.
- Jack Tripper: Oh, thank you.
- Chrissy: [shouts] No, Jack!
- Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Chrissy!
- Jack Tripper: I have a surprise for you girls!
- Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!
- Cindy Snow: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.
- Jack Tripper: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!
- Cindy Snow: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!
- Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic.
- Jack Tripper: Baloney.
- Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?
- Jack Tripper: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.
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