James Coco credited as playing...
Milo Perrier
- Milo Perrier: He's gone!
- Jessica Marbles: Who's gone?
- Milo Perrier: The butler. Here's the key.
- Sidney Wang: If butler gone, where you find key?
- Milo Perrier: In his pocket.
- Jessica Marbles: What pocket?
- Milo Perrier: The butler's pocket.
- Sidney Wang: Butler gone but pocket still there?
- Marcel: Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Your what?
- Marcel: My buns.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?
- Marcel: Oh! No, monsieur. The BONES in my body.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything!
- Jessica Marbles: You mean...
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Yes. This entire murder has been... catered.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est-ce pas?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's.
- Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?
- Lionel Twain: Intimately.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?
- Lionel Twain: Definitely.
- Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?
- Lionel Twain: *The* murder. Precisely.
- Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?
- Marcel: I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: They already know!
- Marcel: Then why do you wear it?
- Inspector Milo Perrier: I didn't know that you knew.
- Sidney Wang: Calm yourself. Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere.
- Milo Perrier: Oh be quiet! I'm sick of your fortune cookies!
- Sidney Wang: Oh, man who is sick of fortune cookies...
- [argument ensues]
- Sidney Wang: Shhh, shhh... cow talk again!
- Willie Wang: [DELETED SCENE, RESTORED FOR TELEVISION - Willie rejoins the others after covering up Twain's body] ... I can't believe you missed it, Pop. The world's five greatest living detectives, and not one of you noticed that *Twain was clutching a note in his hand!*
- Sidney Wang: Give it to me.
- Willie Wang: Oh, no; it's mine.
- Milo Perrier: Oh, give it to your father, you idiot!
- Willie Wang: [gloating] "Idiot?" We'll see who's the idiot, Mr. Perrier! The $1 million goes to whoever solves the crime, and that could be me just as easily as you! I've got more brains than my father gives me credit for! "#3 Adopted Son?" I'm sick and tired of being just your #3 Adopted Son. I'm *Willie Wang, Young Detective!* This clue belongs to me, and nobody's getting it from me, you understand? Nobody...!
- Sam Diamond: [with his gun leveled at Willie's head] Better stand back, Tess. I don't want you to get hurt when the bullet comes out his other ear.
- [takes the note and reads]
- Sam Diamond: "Please call dairy and cancel future deliveries of milk; Lionel Twain deceased."
- [hands back the note]
- Sam Diamond: So much for your clue, kid.
- Willie Wang: [very sheepish] Uhm... Sorry about that, Dad.
- Milo Perrier: [after the lights have gone out in Twain's dining room] Be quiet everyone! I smell something! It's - Good God! - FRANKS AND BEANS!
- Jamesir Bensonmum: I'm afraid that's all we have, sir.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.
- Sidney Wang: I like it, but do not understand it.
- Dora Charleston: [after Wang demonstrates his wine was poisoned] Great Scott Mr. Wang, you've saved our lives.
- Milo Perrier: Not quite, Mrs. Charleston. Bon Apetit
- [drinks wine - company gasps and exclaims]
- Milo Perrier: . Since Monsieur Wang was the only one who could detect such a poison, he was the only one who was tested. Point 5: Mr. Twain is both beguiling and fiendish.
- [crys out]
- Milo Perrier: Mon Amis!
- Dora Charleston: Oh get a doctor quick!
- Milo Perrier: No, no, it's alright, my wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Touch nothing!
- Jessica Marbles: Will you stop saying "touch nothing?" We're all experienced criminologists. I find it insulting, debasing, and redundant to keep telling us to "touch nothing!"
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Oh, be quiet, woman!
- Jessica Marbles: Up yours, fella!
- Sidney Wang: Most amusing. Bickering detectives like making lamb stew: everything goes to pot!
- Milo Perrier: What do you make of all of this, Wang?
- Sidney Wang: Is confusing.
- Lionel Twain: [from moose head] IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!
- Lionel Twain: Aha, stumped already. Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?
- Inspector Milo Perrier: Clues? I need no clues from you! I find my own clues, you demented lollipop!
- Milo Perrier: One moment, where is the soup?
- Jamesir Bensonmum: In your dish, sir!
- Milo Perrier: There is nothing in my dish but my dish.
- Dick Charleston: [introducing them] My wife Dora. Inspector Perrier.
- Milo Perrier: Très charmant.
- [kisses her hand, then coughs]
- Dora Charleston: I'm sorry. Our room is so dusty.
- Milo Perrier: My fault. I should have blown first.
- Milo Perrier: What is it? What's happened?
- Sidney Wang: Something wrong in kitchen.
- Milo Perrier: With our dinner!
- Sidney Wang: No, patience, patience.
- Sam Diamond: Is someone in there?
- [pointing to kitchen]
- Dick Charleston: Someone in the kitchen with dinna?