- [Of the senate]
- Livia: They won't allow me in because I am a woman, and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. That's strange, when you come to think of it, because it's filled with nothing but old women and fools.
- [reciting a poem for the court]
- Minester: The golden hair that Gala wears is hers/Who would have thought it?/She swears it's hers, and true she swears/For I know where she bought it!
- [reciting another poem]
- Minester: You ask me how my farm can pay/Since little it will bear/It pays me thus: 'Tis far away/And you are never there.
- [to the senate]
- Augustus: I called you all here to talk about the level of opposition to my new law against bachelorism. Do you know what I say? I say: "STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MARRIED."
- [Of Claudius's clumsiness]
- Tiberius: That grandson of yours could wreck the empire just by strolling through it.
- Claudius: A man should keep faith with his friends, even when they're dead.
- Drusus: [on the wisdom of invading Britannia, i.e. Britain] There's nothing of value there, and the people make very poor slaves.
- Claudius: Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.
- [of Livia]
- Germanicus: Between reading so many letters and arranging so many rapes, when does she ever sleep?
- Claudius: Oh, this is all starting to sound very familiar...
- Praetorian: Oi!
- [Points at the trembling, bewildered Claudius]
- Praetorian: Him... KAISER! Right?
- Hun: .... Ja?
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