- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: You know, Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato.
- Harold: As the cars roar into Pennsylvania, the cradle of liberty, it seems apparent that our citizens are staying off the streets, which may make scoring particularly difficult, even with this year's rule changes. To recap those revisions: women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points.
- Junior: All right, all right, and yes sirree! A clean hit! A perfect hit! And no pain for the target. Too bad the guy was only 38; just two years older, he'd have been worth three times the points.
- Cleopatra: It isn't my fault everyone scored before us. You should have gone after that Boy Scout camp like I told you!
- Ray "Nero the Hero" Ladagon: I tried the goddamn Boy Scout camp. You know how fast those Boy Scouts move?
- Cleopatra: Now here's something more your speed.
- Ray "Nero the Hero" Ladagon: That'll be at least 200 points!
- Cleopatra: If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother.
- Junior: Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out of a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?
- Grace Pander: Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn.
- Harold: Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a 100 percent red-blooded American sense of humor, heh-heh.
- Frankenstein: [Frankenstein just barely avoids Annie's attempt to run them both off a cliff] What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Annie Paine: It doesn't matter what happens to me now.
- Frankenstein: Now that is about the dumbest, sorriest thing I've ever heard you say. I don't believe you have a drop of Thomasina Paine's blood in your whole body. I mean, when things get tough, you close your eyes and try to drive us off a cliff! If you'd just stop trying to kill me for a minute, I need your help.
- Annie Paine: How can you possibly expect me to help you!
- Frankenstein: You're my navigator.
- Annie Paine: You're the only one who knows where you're going! I mean, whose side are you on, anyway? I thought the only thing that mattered to you was winning the race.
- Frankenstein: Sure. Only the winner of the race gets to shake hands with Mr. President.
- [takes off his glove]
- Annie Paine: Is that a grenade?
- Frankenstein: A "hand grenade". That handshake is all I've lived for for as long as I can remember.
- [puts his glove back on and clenches his fist]
- Annie Paine: Now, wait a minute! I don't want you to die.
- Frankenstein: It's my life's work.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Hey, cornball, what's the fastest way through here?
- Fisherman: Well, the way we do it is we get a bulldozer and plow right through there.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: No, I mean, what's the fastest way from here to Albuquerque?
- Fisherman: You gotta go back to the main highway, really.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: That was more than 45 minutes!
- Fisherman: I've seen you before. I'm one of your greatest fans, you know that? I've followed all the races. I have pictures of you all over the outhouse. I even named my favorite dog after you, Mr. Frankenstein, I did.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: You lousy stinking dirtball... you've got two seconds to live!
- Junior: Frankenstein! Frankenstein the legend, Frankenstein the indestructible! Sole survivor of the titanic pile-up of '95, only two-time winner of the Transcontinental Road Race... Frankenstein! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed... a dancer on the brink of death... Frankenstein, who lost a leg in '98, an arm in '99! With half a face and half a chest, and all the guts in the world, he's back!
- Special agent: You know, Mr. VeTurbo, as a representative of Mr. President's government, I happen to hold the power of life and death.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Yeah? Well, I happen to hold the clam sauce.
- [slings a handful of clam sauce into the Special Agent's face]
- Ray "Nero the Hero" Ladagon: You're blocking me, Cleopatra! My fans want to see me.
- Cleopatra: Why, they've never seen a has-been before?
- Calamity Jane: Hi ya, Herman. I hope your Buzz Bomb has a little more juice in its nuclear warhead this year.
- [Herman glances down at his crotch, embarrased]
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: [strangling Annie] How does it feel to know you're gonna spend the rest of your life in pain? The rest of your life is about a minute and a half.
- [Matilda the Hun runs her car over Calamity Jane's navigator, Pete, and kills him]
- Matilda the Hun: [cheers] Blitzkreg! Ha-ha!
- Calamity Jane: [screaming] YOU LOUSY BITCH! I'll kill you for that! Nobody scores my navigator and gets away with it!
- [Mr. President is about to give a speech to the crowds of people at the raceway and the viewers watching the event from the Summer Palace]
- Mr. President: My children, whom I love so dearly, it has been my duty in the long and difficult years since the World Crash of '79 to serve you as best I could. Never before in history have masses forgone all comfort, so that the spirit of genius might thrive and seek the golden key to a new time of plenty in the fertile field of minority privilege. And now, my children, the drivers are ready. The world is watching. Once more, I give you what you want.
- Junior: Joe doesn't look too happy, but you just can't keep those Frankenstein fans down.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Lousy sons of bitches! Frankenstein...
- Myra: Give it to 'em, Joe!
- [she hands Joe a Thompson submachine gun]
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Frankenstein! You want Frankenstein? I'll give you Frankenstein!
- [Joe opens fire into the stands]
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Aarrgh!
- [Annie takes off Frankenstein's mask; his face is supposed to be ugly in appearance]
- Frankenstein: What'd you expect, another pretty face?
- [Calamity Jane is chasing Matilda the Hun to get revenge for the death of Pete, her navigator, at Matilda's hands]
- Herman the German: Uh-oh. Here she comes and, boy, is she pissed.
- Matilda the Hun: Well, what does she expect? You leave your navigator lying around, naturally somebody's gonna run over him.
- Herman the German: She's gaining on us, Mama, and she's got murder on her mind.
- Matilda the Hun: Machen sie schnell, meine kleine Buzz Bomb.
- [translation: Make fast, my little Buzz Bomb]
- Frankenstein: What were you doing down there, getting more secret instructions from the lunatic fringe?
- Annie Paine: [starts to take off her clothes] Why don't you just turn me in and get it over with?
- Frankenstein: Your cover's blown, you're no threat to me now.
- Annie Paine: I have a job to do.
- Frankenstein: Your job is a waste of time. The world doesn't want to be saved. I'm giving you a chance to save one small part of it: yourself.
- Annie Paine: Who *are* you, anyway?
- Frankenstein: Nobody. I was brought up in a government training center to be just who I am: Frankenstein, this year. They use one up, they bring in another. But I will be the last of the line.
- Annie Paine: Oh, who's kidding who?
- Frankenstein: I never kid.
- [they start to make love]
- Grace Pander: She was a great, dear friend of mine and I shall remember her forever howling down that freeway in the sky, knocking over... the angels.
- Junior: Well, America, there you have it, Frankenstein has just been attacked by the French Air Force and he's whipped their derrieres!
- Harold: Is it true that, with your new mechanical arm, you can shift gears in less than a 20th of a second? Would you care to comment on that?
- Frankenstein: No.
- Harold: How do you feel about going into the race with a navigator you've never met?
- Grace Pander: You'll love Annie. She's a red-hot sexpot.
- Frankenstein: She'd better be a red-hot navigator.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: You know, it used to be in the old days we would just take someone like you in a alley and blow their brains out.
- Annie Paine: Come on, Joe, all's fair in love and war.
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: I'm glad you said that, Annie, because what we got going here ain't exactly love.
- [begins to strangle her]
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Who built this stinking road? If I ever get my hands on him, I'll rip his heart out!
- [Opening scene: the United Provinces of America's version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is playing at the fictional New York Memorial Raceway]
- [first lines]
- Deacon: O great American multitude and sports fans everywhere, today we inaugurate the 20th Annual Trans-Continental Road Race. Today, the five bravest young men and women in this greatest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since the days of Spartacus! Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold, in awe, in respect, in fear!
- Junior: All right, all right! This is Junior Bruce, your buddy-buddy and mine. And I'll be giving you the blow-by-blow, play-by-play when the kings and queens of the open road roar onto the track!
- Junior: Do I hear the sounds of engines? It's Calamity Jane Kelly, queen of the road, at the wheel of that mean, ornery stud bull!
- [Calamity Jane's fans start to cheer]
- Junior: Zany Janey, winner of this year's trials at Watkins Glen, placed second in 1998 and led in last year's second lap until she went out with gear trouble.
- [Jane and her navigator, Pete, wave to her fans, while Junior Bruce walks toward them]
- Junior: Her fans and lovers everywhere wish Janey better luck this year.
- Calamity Jane: My fans can wish me all the luck they want. My luck with my lovers gets any better, I'll miss the race completely. Isn't that right, Pete?
- [at the race's first pit stop, Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo, Calamity Jane and Matilda the Hun and their navigators are getting a massage treatment]
- Special agent: [addresses the racers and their navigators] One thing before we begin: the government would like it if no one said anything about Nero, understand? He hit a tree and that's it. Got it? We don't wanna depress anybody...
- Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: [interrupts] Hey, hey! Everybody knows he's been blown up by the Resistance, you schmuck. It was on television.
- Special agent: If you wanna drive again next year, Mr. VeTurbo, you'll keep those opinions to yourself.
- Mr. President: I have made the United Provinces of America the greatest power in the known universe.
- Lt. Fury: [looks through a pair of binoculars] Chicken gang. Chicken in a basket!
- Calamity Jane: Chicken in a casket!
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