Alan Alda credited as playing...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
- Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
- Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
- Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
- Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
- Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
- Frank Burns: Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.
- Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
- B.J.: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
- [to Margaret]
- Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
- Frank Burns: You disgust me!
- Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
- [South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
- Frank Burns: We're making real progress.
- Hawkeye: I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
- Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me?
- Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
- Frank Burns: Aside from that.
- B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.
- Frank Burns: My pores won't close.
- Father Mulcahy: [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.
- Hawkeye: If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
- Hawkeye: How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.