- Lieutenant Columbo: Suddenly I thought of something. How clever that first murder was. The phone gimmick, working late in the office - brilliant.
- Ken Franklin: Are you awarding gold medals today?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Yes. For the first one. Not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.
- [last lines]
- Ken Franklin: You gotta admit I had you going for a while, though, didn't I?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Yes, you did.
- Ken Franklin: You want to know the irony of all this? That is my idea. The only really good one I ever had. I must've told it to Jim over five years ago. Who ever thought that idiot would write it down?
- Lilly La Sanka: I trust you, Ken - really - but we all have our dark sides, don't we? Just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.
- Ken Franklin: Naw!
- Lieutenant Columbo: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.
- [Distraught over her husband's disappearance, Joanna Ferris tries to get a drinking fountain to work]
- Lieutenant Columbo: I think that's out of order, ma'am. Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work, then you have to use the coffee machine, and then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.
- Joanna Ferris: Who are you?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Uh, I'm just another cop. My name is Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.
- [first lines]
- [Jim works in his office]
- Jim Ferris: [knock on the door] Who is it?
- [another knock on the door]
- Jim Ferris: [He opens the door - Ken is aiming a gun at his face. Jim laughs]
- Ken Franklin: Oh, you're not intimidated.
- Jim Ferris: Oh, come on, Ken. You're forgetting that I'm one-half of the world's greatest mystery-writing team? You, ah, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger, and there are no bullets in the cylinder.
- Ken Franklin: [smiling] You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.
- Jim Ferris: Yeah... I just hate lying to her.
- Ken Franklin: You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.
- Joanna Ferris: Well, what about Ken? Why isn't Ken here? I don't know why he isn't here.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
- Joanna Ferris: [smiles ruefully] Yeah, the other half of the team.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I'll tell ya, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world, but there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet. Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the egg shells.
- [Lieutenant Columbo wants information about an insurance policy from Mike Tucker]
- Mike Tucker: Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant. We like to cooperate with the police but... if you want confidential information, I'm afraid...
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, well, look, uh... I don't want to cause you any trouble. Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?
- [Mike looks shocked]
- Lieutenant Columbo: [reading] "Jack and Jill went up the hill. Did Jack kill Jill? If so, find out why?"
- Jim Ferris: Do you ever get the feeling of deja vu?
- Ken Franklin: What?
- Jim Ferris: Like you've done something before, but you know you haven't?
- Ken Franklin: Why? What do you mean?
- Jim Ferris: I'm getting it right now. It's strange. You know, I've never been here before.
- Ken Franklin: Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?
- Lieutenant Columbo: And those were mysteries too, weren't they, huh? They're tricky. I'll tell you that I could never figure those things out.
- Lieutenant Columbo: [reading] To my Lilly Love always, Ken.
- Joanna Ferris: I still don't know what this means.
- Lieutenant Columbo: It means that he knew her. It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said. It means that he knew her reasonably well.
- Ken Franklin: All right, now what are you doing here?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Waiting for you. I happened to be in the neighborhood and...
- Ken Franklin: You're always in the neighborhood.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Now, look, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me, and I think you had a terrible experience in there, and I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.
- Joanna Ferris: Don't you think they want to ask me questions?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions, and I'll call 'em and I'll tell them you're with me.
- Ken Franklin: You're not intimidated?
- Jim Ferris: Come on, Ken. Are you forgetting that... I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team. You don't have gloves on. Your finger's not on the trigger and there are no bullets in the cylinder.
- Ken Franklin: Bottoms up, Jim.
- Jim Ferris: In the middle of the morning?
- Ken Franklin: Oh, come on, relax. It's Saturday. In the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.
- Ken Franklin: I give you... our divorce.
- Jim Ferris: Well... it's not really a divorce.
- Ken Franklin: Oh, sure it is. Come on, let's be honest. I mean, it... it's no alimony but it's a termination. Oh yes, and our dear little children. All fifteen of them. Fifty million copies.
- Lilly La Sanka: My planets must be in the right house.
- Ken Franklin: Not only that, but they're working overtime. I have a surprise for you.
- Ken Franklin: Has Jim been found yet? Has he been found yet?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?
- Ken Franklin: Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego. You must know the story is on every news station.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, right, yeah, gee. I shoulda thought of that.
- Ken Franklin: See if Mrs. Melville were on this case, she would be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Is that the lady in the books?
- Ken Franklin: That's right. You see she would have figured it out that this is not just someone missing. This is a professional killing.
- Ken Franklin: How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that.
- Lieutenant Columbo: A professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?
- Ken Franklin: Who knows? But remember one thing without a corpus delicti you can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.
- Lieutenant Columbo: But why would a professional killer care? I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.
- Ken Franklin: Lieutenant, I can't answer all of your questions.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Gee, that's funny.
- Ken Franklin: What?
- Lieutenant Columbo: This thing is folded lengthwise. Like someone was carrying it in their pocket.
- Ken Franklin: So?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Well, if he typed that on that typewriter, and I'll run a check on that, why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?
- Ken Franklin: I'm beginning to like you.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Why is that?
- Ken Franklin: Because you're finally beginning to think like Mrs. Melville. Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper, and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know.
- Lieutenant Columbo: This a copy?
- Ken Franklin: Hardly. It's an original.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff in the museums.
- Lieutenant Columbo: You know, there's one thing about writers I don't understand. Maybe you can help me clear it up. If a fella's partner dies, does he own the other fella's half of the books? Half of the, uh.
- Ken Franklin: The Royalties?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Yeah.
- Ken Franklin: No. They go into the deceased's estate.
- Ken Franklin: That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it? Unless you insured each other?
- Ken Franklin: Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.
- Ken Franklin: But I just did it to distract myself. I mean, you gotta remember one thing, that's a great shock.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, no, Mr. Tucker. You put that away. This one is on me. May I have a receipt, please?
- Mike Tucker: All right, Lieutenant, you're bribing me with a handsome lunch. What can I do for you?
- Lieutenant Columbo: This is about an insurance policy.
- Mike Tucker: Excellent! It's about time you came to me. I can give you a...
- Lieutenant Columbo: This is an insurance policy that was already written.
- Mike Tucker: Oh. This is official business.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I'm making a pest of myself.
- Ken Franklin: No .
- Lieutenant Columbo: Yes, yes, I am. I know it's because I keep asking these questions. But I'll tell you. I can't help myself. It's a habit.
- Ken Franklin: Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them. You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants. Even the cop on the beat, don't you?
- Joanna Ferris: I just can't believe it. I've known Ken too long. He's not a murderer.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Mrs. Ferris, it wouldn't make any difference, if you knew him for a hundred years, that wouldn't change anything. This man, Franklin, took your husband's life.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Actually, there is one thing. Not that it makes that much difference.
- Ken Franklin: What is it?
- Lieutenant Columbo: When Mrs. Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot, you jumped in a car and drove right back to L. A. , is that right?
- Ken Franklin: That's right.
- Lieutenant Columbo: You know, me, I woulda taken a plane. I mean, it's a big airport and they run every half hour. It would have been a lot faster.
- Ken Franklin: Well, I, that's true. But in a situation like that, who thinks clearly? And look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport. How much time do you really save?
- Ken Franklin: Look at 'em! Vultures! Lieutenant, do you mind if I go inside? I can't stand to watch 'em ... gape!
- Ken Franklin: Here's to prosperity.
- Lilly La Sanka: [they clink glasses] And romance.
- Ken Franklin: [they clink glasses again] The daily double.
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