John Fiedler credited as playing...
Vinnie
- Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
- Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!
- Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
- Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
- Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
- Roy: He could jump!
- Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
- Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
- Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
- Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
- [they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
- Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
- Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
- Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
- Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
- Murray: You didn't.
- Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
- Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
- Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
- Vinnie: What Buffet?
- [they all chime in]
- Vinnie: What buffet?
- Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
- Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
- Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
- Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
- Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
- Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?
- Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
- Vinnie: Let what be on your head?
- Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
- Speed: He's out there somewhere.
- Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
- Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
- Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
- Roy: Us?
- Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
- Vinnie: What?
- Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!