Herb Edelman credited as playing...
Murray
- Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
- Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!
- Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!
- Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!
- Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
- Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
- Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.
- Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
- Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
- Murray: I get a Pepsi.
- Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
- Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
- Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
- Murray: What do you got?
- Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
- Murray: What's the green?
- Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
- Murray: I'll take the brown.
- [Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
- Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
- Murray: I'm hungry!
- Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
- Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
- Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!
- Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
- Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!
- Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
- Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
- Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
- Roy: He could jump!
- Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
- Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
- Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
- Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
- [they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
- Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
- Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
- Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
- Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
- Roy: They can do it, you know.
- Oscar Madison: Do what?
- Roy: Throw you in jail.
- Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
- Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?
- Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
- Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
- Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
- Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?
- Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.
- Roy: But you always lose.
- Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.
- Roy: Then don't play poker.
- Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
- [grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
- Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
- Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
- [an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
- Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
- [the bickering continues]
- Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
- [they all quiet down]
- Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
- Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
- Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
- Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
- Murray: You didn't.
- Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
- Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
- Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
- Vinnie: What Buffet?
- [they all chime in]
- Vinnie: What buffet?
- Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
- Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
- Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
- Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?
- Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
- Vinnie: Let what be on your head?
- Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
- Speed: He's out there somewhere.
- Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
- Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
- Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
- Roy: Us?
- Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
- Vinnie: What?
- Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
- Murray: What happened to the apartment?
- Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
- Murray: How many cards you got, four?
- Speed: Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?
- Murray: Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!
- Oscar Madison: [from the kitchen] Yeah?
- Murray: Hey Oscar, are you in or out?
- Oscar Madison: [blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor] Out pussycat, out!