- Richard Sherman: You get out of here. And you tell Helen if she sent you to get a divorce.
- Tom MacKenzie: [incredulous] A divorce?
- Richard Sherman: [continuing] I absolutely refuse!
- Tom MacKenzie: [incredulous] Helen didn't send me for a divorce. She sent me for Ricky's paddle.
- Richard Sherman: [continuing; crazed] I'll fight it in every court in the country! Because I can explain everything: the stairs, the cinnamon toast, the blonde in the kitchen.
- Tom MacKenzie: [interrupts; incredulous] Now, wait a minute Dickey-Boy. Let's just take it easy. What blonde in the kitchen?
- Richard Sherman: [seething with contempt] Oh, wouldn't you like to know! Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!
- The Girl: You and your imagination! You think every girl's a dope. You think a girl goes to a party and there's some guy, a great big lunk in a fancy striped vest, strutting around like a tiger giving you that I'm-so-handsome-you-can't-resist-me look. And for this she's supposed to fall flat on her face. Well, she doesn't fall on her face. But there's another guy in the room, way over in the corner. Maybe he's kind of nervous and shy and perspiring a little. First, you look past him. But then you sort of sense that he's gentle and kind and worried. That he'll be tender with you. Nice and sweet. That's what's *really* exciting.
- Dr. Brubaker: My 3:00 patient jumped out of the window in the middle of his session. I have been running fifteen minutes ahead of schedule ever since.
- Richard Sherman: Miss Morris, I'm perfectly capable of fixing my own breakfast. As a matter of fact, I had a peanut butter sandwich and two whiskey sours.
- Richard Sherman: There's gin and vermouth. That's a martini.
- The Girl: Oh, that sounds cool! I think I'll have a glass of that. A big tall one!
- Richard Sherman: Isn't the Kaufman place air conditioned?
- The Girl: Gee, no! It's just terrible up there. That's why I bought the electric fan. Ohh, this feels just elegant! I'm just not made for the heat. This is my first summer in New York and it's practically killing me. You know what I tried yesterday? I tried to sleep in the bathtub. Just lying there up to my neck in cold water.
- Richard Sherman: That sounds like a good idea.
- The Girl: But there was something wrong with the faucet. It kept dripping. It was keeping me awake. So you know what I did? I pushed my big toe up the faucet.
- Richard Sherman: I guess that's what they call American know-how.
- The Girl: The only thing was, my toe got stuck and I couldn't get it back out again.
- Richard Sherman: You couldn't?
- The Girl: No, but thank goodness there was a phone in the bathroom, so I was able to call the plumber.
- Richard Sherman: You called the plumber?
- The Girl: Oh, sure. He was very nice, even though it was Sunday, I explained the situation to him and he rushed right over.
- Richard Sherman: Did everything come out all right?
- The Girl: Oh, sure! But it was sort of embarrassing.
- Richard Sherman: Yeah, I can see how it might have been.
- The Girl: Honestly, I almost died. There I was with a perfectly strange plumber and no polish on my toenails.
- The Girl: I think it's wonderful that you're married. I think it's just elegant.
- Richard Sherman: You do?
- The Girl: Of course. I mean, I wouldn't be lying on the floor in the middle of the night in some man's apartment drinking champagne if he wasn't married.
- Richard Sherman: That's an interesting line of reasoning.
- The Girl: I think it's just elegant to have an imagination. I just have no imagination at all. I have lots of other things, but I have no imagination.
- Dr. Brubaker: Until you are able to commit a simple act of terror, I strongly advise you to avoid anything as complex as murder.
- Richard Sherman: [In Richard's nightmare, Helen shoots him and he lays dying on the stairs] Helen... I'm going fast. Give me a cigarette!
- Helen Sherman: A cigarette? You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking!
- The Girl: I had onions at lunch. I had garlic dressing at dinner. But he'll never know, because I stay kissing sweet, the new Dazzledent way.
- Richard Sherman: Miss, may I have the check, please?
- Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant: Oh, yes, sir. Now let's see... we had the number seven special, a soybean hamburger with french-fried soybeans... Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea.
- Richard Sherman: Don't forget I had a cocktail to start.
- Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant: Oh yes, we had the sauerkraut juice on the rocks, didn't we? You will be proud to know that your entire meal with the cocktail was only 260 calories.
- Richard Sherman: I am proud.
- Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant: That will be a dollar and 27 cents.
- Richard Sherman: Keep the change.
- Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant: Oh, we don't permit tipping. But, if you like, I can put it in the fund for our nudist camp?
- Richard Sherman: You do that.
- Richard Sherman: Tell me doctor, are you very expensive?
- Dr. Brubaker: Very!
- Richard Sherman: I'm sure you occasionally make exceptions.
- Dr. Brubaker: Never!
- Richard Sherman: Well I mean, once in a while, a case must come along that really interests you.
- Dr. Brubaker: At fifty dollars an hour, all my cases interest me.
- Richard Sherman: 'What happened at the office today, darling?' 'What happened at the office? Well, I shot Mr. Brady in the head, made violent love to Miss Morris and set fire to three hundred thousand copies of Little Women. That's what happened at the office.' What *can* happen at the office?
- Richard Sherman: [walking up to his New York townhouse building] I like this house. Why does Helen keep talking about moving into one of those big, enormous buildings that look like "Riot in Cell Block 11"?
- Richard Sherman: [as he enters the building] It's so much nicer here. Just three apartments: ours, the Kaufmans upstairs, and then those two guys on the top floor - "interior decorators" or something.
- The Girl: [in Richard's fantasy] It shakes me! It quakes me! It makes me feel goose-pimply all over!
- The Girl: Maybe if I took the little fan, put it in the icebox, then left the icebox door open, then left the bedroom door open, and soak the sheets and pillowcase in ice water... no, that's too icky!
- Elaine: [in Richard's fantasy, 'From Here To Eternity' spoof, Elaine and Richard on the beach, at midnight, kissing and embracing] What is this strange animal thing you have? lt bothers me. lt's bothered me since the first time l saw you. And it'll bother me always, from here to eternity.
- Richard Sherman: You must fight it, Elaine. Remember, l belong to another!
- Elaine: Richard!
- Richard Sherman: [Running off into the surf] This can never be. l have a devoted, trusting wife at home, and a freckle-faced little space cadet.
- Elaine: Richard!
- The Girl: I just hope it's not some priceless antique or something.
- Richard Sherman: Forget it. Just early Sears, Roebuck.
- The Girl: Do you have any kids?
- Richard Sherman: No. None. No kids. Well, just one. Little one. Hardly counts.
- Richard Sherman: I'm in big trouble. I know girls like this! They just can't keep their big mouths shut! This is gonna be *all* over New York. I bet, right this minute, she's telling somebody about it... yaddida yaddida yaddida yaddida...
- The Girl: [in Richard's imagination, The Girl, sitting in a bubble bath, while the Plumber is working on her pipes] So, he lured me down in his apartment. He made me sit on his piano bench. Then he made me play "Chopsticks"! Then suddenly he turned on me. His eyes bulging. He was frothing at the mouth - just like the Creature from the Black Lagoon!
- Richard Sherman: I knew it. I knew it! That's how these stories get started. Big blabbermouth.
- Dr. Brubaker: When something itches my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch.
- Richard Sherman: Last night I scratched.
- The Girl: [in Richard's fantasy] Rachmaninoff.
- Richard Sherman: The Second Piano Concerto.
- The Girl: It isn't fair.
- Richard Sherman: Not fair? Why?
- The Girl: Every time I hear it, I go to pieces.
- Richard Sherman: Oh?
- The Girl: May I sit next to you?
- Richard Sherman: Please do.
- The Girl: It shakes me, it quakes me. It makes me feel goose-pimply all over. I don't know where I am, or who I am, or what I'm doing. Don't stop, don't stop! Don't ever stop!
- [Reading the cover of his book]
- Dr. Brubaker: "Of Sex and Violence"?
- Richard Sherman: Well we had to spice up the title a little.
- Richard Sherman: Let's see. Debussy, Ravel. Stravinsky. Stravinsky'd only scare her. Yeah! Here's the baby. Rachmaninoff! Give her the full treatment. Come in like gangbusters! Good old Rachmaninoff. The Second Piano Concerto. Never misses.
- Richard Sherman: Why did they practically ask you to leave?
- The Girl: It was so silly. I posed for this picture and when it was published in "U.S. Camera", they got all upset.
- Richard Sherman: Well, what was the matter with the picture?
- The Girl: I was - it was one of these - 'artistic' pictures.
- Richard Sherman: Oh.
- [giggles]
- The Girl: It was on a beach with some driftwood. It got Honorable Mention.
- Richard Sherman: Honorable Mention? In "U.S. Camera"? Well.
- The Girl: It was called 'Textures', because you could see three different kinds of texture: the driftwood, the sand and me. I got $25 dollars an hour, and it took hours and hours. You'd be surprised!
- Richard Sherman: My wife. She found out about us and she shot me. Five times in the back and twice in the belly!
- Miss Morris: [in Richard's fantasy] I'll tell you what's the matter. I'm in love with you! That's what's the matter with me. I have been ever since the first day I came here. Deeply, madly, desperately, all-consumingly. And what am I to you? Nothing! Just a piece of furniture, a dictaphone! Ten fingers to type your miserable letters with. Mr. Sherman, take a look at me. I'm a woman! A woman, you hear? With flesh and blood and nerves and feelings! I'm in love with you! I need you! I want you. I want you! I want you!
- Richard Sherman: Oh, say!
- [admiring The Girl's tight dress]
- The Girl: I figured it just isn't right to drink champagne in matador pants. Would you mind fastening my straps in the back?
- Richard Sherman: Oh, sure. Sure.
- The Girl: Oo! Do you feel the breeze from the subway? Isn't it delicious!
- Richard Sherman: It sort of cools the ankles, doesn't it?
- The Girl: That's what's wonderful about a married man. No matter what, he can't ask you to marry him. He's married already. Right?
- Richard Sherman: Right... You certainly don't have to worry about me. Am I ever a married man! I'm the most married man you'll ever know. And I promise... I will never ask you to marry me, come what may.
- Richard Sherman: Suppose this girl tells somebody about this? Oh, if she tells anybody about this, I'll kill her - I'll kill her with my bare hands!
- Dr. Brubaker: A possible solution... I submit, however, that murder is the most difficult of all crimes to commit successfully. Therefore, until you are able to commit a simple act of terror, I strongly advise you to avoid anything as complex as murder. One must learn to walk, before one can run. Thank you, and good bye.
- Richard Sherman: [Showing Dr. Brubaker a picture of The Girl in the "U.S. Camera" magazine yearbook] Here, Doctor. I brought this with me. I didn't want to leave it lying around the house. That's her. Her hair was a little longer then. It's called "Textures" because you can see the three different textures: The driftwood, the sand and her. It got "honorable mention."
- Dr. Brubaker: Splendid. I congratulate you on your good taste. Interesting driftwood formation, too.
- Waitress at Vegetarian Restaurant: Nudism is such a worthy cause. We must bring the message to the people. We must teach them to unmask their poor, suffocating bodies and let them breathe again. Clothes are the enemy! Without clothes there'd be no sickness and no war! I ask you sir, can you imagine two great armies on the battlefield, no uniforms, completely nude? No way of telling friend from foe, all brothers together.
- Richard Sherman: [reading the label on a soft drink] "Contains carbonated water, citric acid, corn syrup, artificial raspberry flavoring, pure vegetable colors and preservative." I'd like Dr. Summers to explain to me why this stuff should be better for you than a little scotch, plain water, and a twist of lemon? I'd really like to know.
- Mr. Kruhulik: Do you know the maid from 531 Park? Why, you must've seen her walking down the street with her big, fat poodle.
- Richard Sherman: What are you talking about?
- Mr. Kruhulik: Come now, Mr. Sherman, we're both summer bachelors. Don't let's be naive.
- Richard Sherman: Good night, Mr. Kruhulik! Big, fat poodle! Why he's got four kids. Something happens to people in this town in the summer.
- The Girl: [as she leaves his apartment] Good night... I think you're very nice.
- Richard Sherman: [now alone in his apartment, talking to himself] "Nice"! You're not nice. You're crazy, that's what you are. You're running amok. Helen's gone for one day and you're running amok. Smoking, drinking, picking up girls, playing "Chopsticks." You're not gonna' live through this summer. Not like this, you're not.
- Richard Sherman: [looking at himself in a mirror] Look at those bloodshot eyes. Look at that face, ravaged, dissipated, evil. One of these mornings you're gonna' look in the mirror and that's all, brother. "The Portrait of Dorian Gray."
- Richard Sherman: Oh, no, not me. Not me! And I'm not gonna smoke either. Some husbands think that because their wives are away for the summer they can just run wild! Do anything terrible they want. Like Charlie Lederer last summer. Annie hadn't been gone two days when Charlie went out and got himself tattooed. A green dragon on his chest, a butterfly on each shoulder. Not me. Oh, no. Work, work, work. I'm gonna work here till 6, then I'll have dinner at the saloon on the corner. No! No saloon, no drinking like Dr. Summers said. I know what I'll do. I'll try that vegetarian restaurant on 3rd Avenue. Health food, that's the stuff. The human body is a very delicate machine. A precision instrument. You can't run it on martinis and Hungarian goulash. Especially in this hot weather.
- Richard Sherman: I bet she thinks I'm gonna have girls up here. You know, that's terrible thing. Seven years we've been married and not once I've done anything like that. Not once! Don't think I couldn't have either. Because I could have, plenty. But, plenty.
- Richard Sherman: Take my secretary, for instance. To you, she's just nothing. A Miss Morris, a dictaphone, a piece of office furniture. Ten fingers to type my letters. Well, let me tell you... Well, let me tell you.
- Richard Sherman: Women have been throwing themselves at me for years. That's right, Helen. Beautiful ones, plenty of 'em. Acres and acres of 'em.
- Richard Sherman: [after a clumsy attempt to embrace her, with both falling to the floor] I'm terribly sorry. Nothing like this ever happened to me before in all my life.
- The Girl: Honest? It happens to me all the time.
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