- Handmaiden: [captured Orville is thrown at Allura's feet] What is it?
- Allura: I could be wrong, but I think it's a man.
- Handmaiden: That's a man?
- Allura: As I remember it, they look something like this. Although, this seems to be a pretty poor specimen.
- [first lines]
- Miss Frances Planey: Orville, after you've finished flying the jet ships for the children, bring them back to the orphanage. Then cut the lawn and water the plants.
- Orville: All right, Miss Planey.
- Harry: [Upon discovering a rocket that has just landed] What's that?
- Mugsy: If I didn't see with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.
- Harry: What is it?
- Mugsy: Are you kiddin'? That's a spaceship. Them guys weren't from Mardi Gras, they're from Mars.
- Harry: What's Mars? Is that anywheres near Hoboken?
- Mugsy: What's Mars! Mars is a planet. A planet is a thing that goes revolving around in space.
- Harry: How did it get up there?
- Mugsy: Well, it all depends whether you subscribe to the Laplacian theory of 1796 or whether you subscribe to the tidal theory formulated by somebody in 1919.
- Harry: Gee, must be wonderful to have education.
- Dr. Wilson: [admiring the rocket ship] Beautiful, isn't it?
- Janie Howe: I think frightening is a better word.
- Dr. Wilson: Don't tell me you wouldn't like to spend your honeymoon on Mars?
- Janie Howe: I'll still settle for Niagara Falls.
- Orville: I'm Orville.
- Dr. Orvilla: [to Lester] See, Orville. He don't even know how to say the name. The name is Orvilla!
- Orville: No, Orville.
- Dr. Orvilla: [to Lester] He's the quack pots.
- [to Orville, giving him his briefcase]
- Dr. Orvilla: Do you mind-a hold this please?
- Orville: No, sir.
- Dr. Orvilla: [slaps Orville] The name is Orvilla.
- Orville: [gives Dr. Orvilla back his briefcase] Now, I don't go for that kind of stuff.
- [slaps Dr. Orvilla]
- Orville: Now, cut it out. My name is Orville.
- Dr. Orvilla: [mumbles in Italian] I'm-a gonna give you a buckaroo.
- [hands Orville his briefcase and slaps him]
- Dr. Orvilla: The name is Orvilla!
- Orville: [hands back Dr. Orvilla's briefcase] Now, you hold that. Now, you cut it out!
- [slaps Dr. Orvilla]
- Orville: Slappin' me in the face like that. My name is Orville.
- Dr. Orvilla: You make-a me lose my temper, you.
- [hands back his briefcase to Orville]
- Dr. Orvilla: The name is Orvilla!
- [slaps Orville so hard he falls down on a chair]
- Dr. Orvilla: [to Lester] How can he be Orvilla? He don't even-a speak-a like-a me?
- Orville: I tink I speak even-a betterin' than you.
- Dr. Orvilla: No mock-a me.
- Orville: Whose-a mockin'-a you?
- [Dr. Orvilla slaps Orville, Orville slaps Dr. Orvilla, etc. etc]
- Orville: Hey, Dr. Wilson, is there anything else I can do?
- Dr. Wilson: I'm afraid not, Orville. This kind of work requires a high IQ.
- Orville: A what?
- Dr. Wilson: [louder] High IQ.
- Orville: High IQ, too.
- Police Lieutenant: [on the phone] Ray gun? Get out of that barroom you gin guzzlin', whisky swiggin', rum hound!
- Bank Janitor: We - we - we - we - we -- we was invaded.
- Second Policeman at Bank: Invaded by who?
- Bank Janitor: By two men from Mars! With space suits and everything! Just like you see in the funny papers.
- Venusian Captain Olivia: Step on it and don't spare the atoms. We must warn the Queen. Our planet Venus has been invaded.
- Allura: My man was the lyingest, cheatingest, double-crossingest male that ever inhabited Venus. And so were all the rest of 'em.
- Mugsy: Stop foolin' around with them instruments! We'll wait for them Martians to come and let them run the ship.
- Harry: Hey, talk about foolin' around, they got any dames in this Mars place?
- Mugsy: Naturally they got dames. I seen pictures from there. They got big heads, four arms, and wireless aerials growin' out of their ears.
- Harry: That don't sound very entrancing to me.
- Mugsy: They don't sound no worse then some of them beagles I seen you keepin' company with.
- Handmaiden: Could it be a sign that men are to return to us again?
- Handmaiden: Maybe it's an omen.
- Handmaiden: An omen?
- Handmaiden: Omen!
- Handmaiden: Oh, men!
- Allura: Silence, all of you. We have done well without men. Our science, art, medicine, and culture surpass that of any other civilization. *We* have discovered the secret of eternal life. We live in tranquility and peace. Are we to destroy this by bringing *men* back?
- Mugsy: [to Allura] Ah, fair flower of Venus. The sight of you makes my lips burn for your kisses. It kindles the fires of love in my heart. The flames sear my soul.
- Orville: Squirt the hose on him, put the fire out, and put him in the dungeon.
- Venusian Captain Olivia: Yes, oh mighty King.
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Top Gap
By what name was Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1953) officially released in India in English?
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