Tommy Rettig credited as playing...
Bartholomew Collins
- Bart Collins: How much are you being paid overtime?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Two thousand pastoolas.
- Bart Collins: Two thousand WHAT?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. Terwilliker doesn't pay me in American money - he keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas.
- Bart Collins: What are pastoolas?
- Mr. Zabladowski: If you must know, the currency here is a little strange. First of all, in the small money comes the drakmids. At the regular, normal rate of exchange, there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobeck.
- Bart Collins: Zlobeck?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Three silver zlobecks make one golden kratchmuk. A pastoola normally is, uh, 44,000 kratchmuks. But these, they tell me, are not normal times...
- Bart Collins: Pastoolas, kratchmuks... How much do you get American?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Precisely 20 bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
- Bart Collins: [singing "Because We're Kids"] Now just because we're kids, Because we're sort of small, Because we're closer to the ground, And you are bigger pound by pound, You have no right, you have no right, To push and shove us little kids around... Now just because your throat has got a deeper voice, And lots of wind to blow it out, At little kids who dare not shout, You have no right, you have no right, To boss and beat us little kids about... Just because you've whiskers on your face to shave, You treat us like a slave... So what? It's only hair. Just because you wear a wallet near your heart, You think you're twice as smart. You know that isn't fair... But we'll grow up someday, and when we do I pray, We won't just grow in size and sound, And just be bigger pound by pound... I'd hate to grow, like some I know, Who push and shove us little kids around.
- Bart Collins: I don't think the piano is my instrument.
- Dr. Terwilliker: What other instruments are there, pray tell? Scratchy violins, screechy piccolos, nauseating trumpets, et cetera, et cetera?
- Bart Collins: So, you didn't believe me. Your life isn't worth a pastoola.
- Mr. Zabladowski: People should always believe in kids. They should even believe their lies.
- Dr. Terwilliker: [after hearing Bart practice] That's not bad. But not good! You're still not loud enough, still not fast enough! Rhythm still off, still misses the beats!
- Bart Collins: What?
- Dr. Terwilliker: Well, it takes time. It takes years!
- [smiles]
- Dr. Terwilliker: Sometimes it actually does take forever.
- Bart Collins: *Forever*?
- Dr. Terwilliker: Well, my little watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today. Tomorrow, however, oh tomorrow, what a day! At 6 AM sharp, all the others will arrive!
- Bart Collins: What others?
- Dr. Terwilliker: Well, I say, you don't think I built this great piano just for you! Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph? Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime! Tomorrow, the Terwilliker Institute - my Happy Finger Institute! Tomorrow we will celebrate the official grand opening! Tomorrow, down below me, I will have 500 little boys - 5,000 little fingers! And they'll be mine, all mine! Practicing 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!
- Bart Collins: I - I don't believe it! This is crazy!
- Dr. Terwilliker: And are you to tell me what is crazy? Away! Go back your cell! And put on your official Terwilliker beanie!
- Bart Collins: Say, I've gotta get out of here.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Relax, don't take these little things so seriously. After all, seeing as how your mother's here...
- Bart Collins: My mother's here?
- Mr. Zabladowski: That's a silly question. You know perfectly well she's in the Number 2 spot.
- Bart Collins: The Number 2 spot?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Second in charge of the whole Happy Finger racket.
- Bart Collins: My mom couldn't be mixed up in any racket!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Look, partner: I hate to speak badly about mothers, after all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land. But the fact remains that your ma is in the Number 2 spot. At headquarters right now.
- Bart Collins: She wouldn't keep me in a place like this! I gotta see her!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I wouldn't advise it. You'll never make it.
- Bart Collins: I can try!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I wouldn't try.
- Bart Collins: I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.
- Mr. Zabladowski: The twins, huh? I'm getting sick and tired of being pushed around. Get me a snort of that pickle juice.
- Bart Collins: You shouldn't drink that stuff. It's dynamite.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Go on. Get it. I'll show those Siamese hooligans. If they want to fight on skates, I'll fight 'em on skates.
- Bart Collins: Well, that's my problem. Dr. Terwilliker's the only enemy I've got. I can't think of one nice thing to say about him, because there isn't any!
- Mrs. Collins: [calling from the kitchen] Bart, darling!
- Bart Collins: That's my mother. I like her. I try to be everything she wants me to be, particularly since my father died. But boy, she's as hipped on the piano as Dr. Terwilliker - watch!
- Bart Collins: [crawling out of an air vent] Jeepers, am I glad to see you!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Will you get out of there, you scared the daylights out of me, Bart! What are you doing? Simmer down, will you, what's up?
- Bart Collins: They're after me!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Who?
- Bart Collins: Practically everybody!
- Mr. Zabladowski: [chuckles] I'm not.
- Bart Collins: I'm in terrible trouble!
- Mr. Zabladowski: So, everyone gets into trouble. Everyone in the world, the king of Persia sometimes even gets into trouble. But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all! The king of Persia - he stays in Persia.
- Stroogo: Now I don't recollect your features, do I?
- Bart Collins: No...
- Stroogo: [looks in his book] You a piccolo player?
- Bart Collins: No.
- Stroogo: Trombone player?
- Bart Collins: No.
- Stroogo: Violin player?
- Bart Collins: No, a... piano player.
- Stroogo: [closes his book] Then you have no right in this particular dungeon! This is reserved exclusive for non-piano players!
- Bart Collins: Non-piano players?
- Stroogo: For them what play all other instruments! One by one, Dr. Terwilliker catches them, brings them down here and locks them up! Pretty soon there'll be no musicians left in this world, except for them what play the piano! I'm taking you back to Dr. Terwilliker!
- Bart Collins: [shows Zabladowsky his death warrant] So, you didn't believe me. Your life isn't worth a pastoola!
- Mr. Zabladowski: People should always believe in kids. People should even believe their lies!
- Bart Collins: Boy, I'd hate to have you for a father.
- Mr. Zabladowski: What makes you think I'd want to be your father?
- Bart Collins: My mother's going to marry Dr. Terwilliker.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Oh, congratulations.
- Bart Collins: He's even worse than you are!
- Bart Collins: You're not going to help me? You would get involved if you only knew the truth.
- Mr. Zabladowski: If I only knew what truth?
- Bart Collins: The truth about my mother. She's in a terrible fix. Dr. Terwilliker, he's got her buffaloed!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I am entirely too busy to sit around and talk about buffaloes.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Do you, Mr. Zabladowski, promise to be: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly?
- Mr. Zabladowski: I do.
- Bart Collins: Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful?
- Mr. Zabladowski: I do.
- Bart Collins: Thrifty, brave, clean and reverent?
- Mr. Zabladowski: I do.
- Bart Collins: Well, that's it.