Peter Lind Hayes credited as playing...
August Zabladowski
- Bart Collins: How much are you being paid overtime?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Two thousand pastoolas.
- Bart Collins: Two thousand WHAT?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Two thousand pastoolas. Dr. Terwilliker doesn't pay me in American money - he keeps that for himself. He pays me in pastoolas.
- Bart Collins: What are pastoolas?
- Mr. Zabladowski: If you must know, the currency here is a little strange. First of all, in the small money comes the drakmids. At the regular, normal rate of exchange, there are 59 drakmids to one silver zlobeck.
- Bart Collins: Zlobeck?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Three silver zlobecks make one golden kratchmuk. A pastoola normally is, uh, 44,000 kratchmuks. But these, they tell me, are not normal times...
- Bart Collins: Pastoolas, kratchmuks... How much do you get American?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Precisely 20 bucks. Show me a better job, and I'll take it.
- Bart Collins: So, you didn't believe me. Your life isn't worth a pastoola.
- Mr. Zabladowski: People should always believe in kids. They should even believe their lies.
- Bart Collins: Say, I've gotta get out of here.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Relax, don't take these little things so seriously. After all, seeing as how your mother's here...
- Bart Collins: My mother's here?
- Mr. Zabladowski: That's a silly question. You know perfectly well she's in the Number 2 spot.
- Bart Collins: The Number 2 spot?
- Mr. Zabladowski: Second in charge of the whole Happy Finger racket.
- Bart Collins: My mom couldn't be mixed up in any racket!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Look, partner: I hate to speak badly about mothers, after all, motherhood is the noblest institution in our land. But the fact remains that your ma is in the Number 2 spot. At headquarters right now.
- Bart Collins: She wouldn't keep me in a place like this! I gotta see her!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I wouldn't advise it. You'll never make it.
- Bart Collins: I can try!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I wouldn't try.
- Bart Collins: I know. All you'd ever try for is time and a half for overtime.
- Dr. Terwilliker: I'm sure you'll find this a most fascinating dungeon. That lovely rumbling sound you hear is one of my favorite prisoners! He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I once conducted, had a very bad habit. You know that part in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, where the drummer is supposed to go 'A-boom-boom-boom-boom?' Well, this stupid lout always went 'A-boom-boom-boom-boom... A-boom!' One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever.
- [they see a man beating on an enormous drum repeatedly]
- Mr. Zabladowski: You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?
- Dr. Terwilliker: Oh, that isn't the man I'm punishing! My man is inside the drum!
- Dr. Terwilliker: Whether you know it or not, you are a cog in this great operation.
- Mr. Zabladowski: I'm no cog. I don't even like the sound of it.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Children seldom have a choice of parents and that, perhaps, is a good thing too. If kids had their way, practically no parents would be born at all!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I've heard rumors about your operation.
- Dr. Terwilliker: Rumors? Scuttlebutt! I can tell you all about the rumors! I'm a villain! I'm a loathsome racketeer! This money you see before you? I've stolen it from the pocketbooks of unsuspecting mothers. Filthy, lying rumors! Why, this is a problem that every great man faces! The rumors of corruption that breeds in high places, rumors seeking to discredit my noble aims. And now these have crept into me own house, vilifying and besmirching my honesty, my fair name, my integrity!
- Mr. Zabladowski: You talk a lot, but I don't know how much you say.
- Mr. Zabladowski: The twins, huh? I'm getting sick and tired of being pushed around. Get me a snort of that pickle juice.
- Bart Collins: You shouldn't drink that stuff. It's dynamite.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Go on. Get it. I'll show those Siamese hooligans. If they want to fight on skates, I'll fight 'em on skates.
- Bart Collins: [crawling out of an air vent] Jeepers, am I glad to see you!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Will you get out of there, you scared the daylights out of me, Bart! What are you doing? Simmer down, will you, what's up?
- Bart Collins: They're after me!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Who?
- Bart Collins: Practically everybody!
- Mr. Zabladowski: [chuckles] I'm not.
- Bart Collins: I'm in terrible trouble!
- Mr. Zabladowski: So, everyone gets into trouble. Everyone in the world, the king of Persia sometimes even gets into trouble. But the king of Persia, does he come crawling out of my air vent? Not at all! The king of Persia - he stays in Persia.
- Bart Collins: [shows Zabladowsky his death warrant] So, you didn't believe me. Your life isn't worth a pastoola!
- Mr. Zabladowski: People should always believe in kids. People should even believe their lies!
- Bart Collins: Boy, I'd hate to have you for a father.
- Mr. Zabladowski: What makes you think I'd want to be your father?
- Bart Collins: My mother's going to marry Dr. Terwilliker.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Oh, congratulations.
- Bart Collins: He's even worse than you are!
- Mr. Zabladowski: Maybe you're right. Maybe even if he never learns to play the piano, maybe the discipline's good for him anyway. Maybe.
- Mrs. Collins: There are no maybes about it. I assure you I know what's good for him.
- Bart Collins: You're not going to help me? You would get involved if you only knew the truth.
- Mr. Zabladowski: If I only knew what truth?
- Bart Collins: The truth about my mother. She's in a terrible fix. Dr. Terwilliker, he's got her buffaloed!
- Mr. Zabladowski: I am entirely too busy to sit around and talk about buffaloes.
- Mr. Zabladowski: [singing] Dream stuff, Dream stuff, Funny thing about this dream stuff, First it's there, Then nowhere...
- Mr. Zabladowski: Say, Dr. Terwilliker...
- Dr. Terwilliker: [casting a spell] Abba-ka-dibbrinka-dabbrinka-dilliker, T-e-r-w-i-l-l-illiker.
- Dr. Terwilliker: Make yourself comfortable. Relax. Have a smoke. Have a cigar.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Don't mind if I do.
- Dr. Terwilliker: Something to eat? Hotcakes, layer cakes, fish cakes, peanut brittle, the blue plate special or chicken pot pie?
- Mr. Zabladowski: I don't mind if I do.
- Dr. Terwilliker: Something to drink? Schnapps, sake, slivovitz, Schwepps, tequila, turtle tears or just plain cocoa?
- Mr. Zabladowski: I have no objection.
- Dr. Terwilliker: Oh, but wait! For such a distinguished guest, the pride of our cellars! Vintage pickle juice. From our very own pickle vineyards. Just whiff that bouquet.
- Mr. Zabladowski: Cheers.